The Autobiography of CBK FREE!.....Chandrika Bandaranayake Kumaratunga, President of Sri Lanka...Free copies of Graeme Wilson's book available from Crazylanka. Scroll down and read every word..................


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Personally written and authorised by myself! (signed) CBK
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A work in progress!
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CHAPTER 2 IS HERE !
BCK - The Authorised Autobiography of Myself
by
Bandaranayake Chandrika Kumaratunge
Published by Crazylanka ™, Colombo 2005, 1st Ed August 2005, ISBN: 08-4378-143-1
Copyright © Crazylanka.com. All rights reserved.
Crazylanka™, Maradana Road, Punchi Borella, Colombo, Sri Lanka.(Write to us)

Illustrated by NS
This is satire and spoof and not a personal attack on anyone. In particular, it has nothing to do with the forthcoming election!
CHAPTER 2 IS HERE!

Foreword
In August 2005 a Scottish idiot in a kilt by the name of Graeme Wislon (Publisher's note: This is the name of the author, not the name of his kilt!), who had wormed his way into one of my outer circles, wrote an unauthorised biography of myself. I was taken aback by the untruths written in that book! He was also making money out of it! I immediately rescinded the 'authorised' status of his work. (Read the real story behind this fiasco!)

This left a vast gap in the Public's perception of myself and my own place in History.
So I decided to write about my life. This therefore is my autobiography, which should not be confused with the aforementioned cheap book which is only a biography. Most people know me. I am the Glorious leader of the Democratic Peoples' Republic of Sri Lanka. In writing this book I was greatly helped by Crazylanka. (1) I have authorised this publication myself.
Chapter 1: Early Days

Part1: The Birth: I was my father's Son!
There is no dispute about my birth. I was definitely born! In fact I can remember it very well. It was a Friday the 29th of June 1945. Not many people know that World War II ended on the 29th of June 1945.

That was my first achievement. I never got the Nobel Peace Prize.
I already had a nasty, obnoxious, ugly, idiotic sister by the name of Sunethra. My father, Solomon (Solly) (2) and his wife Sirimavo (Sirima), were waiting for the arrival of their son, a brother to Sunethra. The astrologers had predicted that the new arrival would be a boy. My father had said "One little-Sirima is enough for this household; now it is my turn to have a brainy little Banda who will one day take to politics like me".
My dad was only a minister at that time and never dreamt of going farther than that. This was because of DS who was waiting to be the Pry Minister and his son Dudley to follow through. "I might not beat Dudley to the post, but one day my son would beat Dudley's son to reach the top" so he thought. This was typical long term planning on his part. Pity about his untimely death though....He never planned on that aspect.

****
I was to arrive at 4.00 AM, but did not. The doctors couldn't explain why. "Security reasons", I heard someone saying. Inside, I was thinking, "Let the idiots wait; Little ladies are never early!" Sixty years on, I still love it - to keep them waiting for me.
I finally arrived and instead of crying, immediatly started talking....so my Daddy used to say. He had a way of exaggerating things!
Was Daddy disappointed that I was a girl? Apparently, nobody wanted to give him the news. He continuously smoked his pipe for more than a week. "Another Kellek!" I heard him say. I was humiliated. I will show him, I thought. Whatever he is going to be, I am going to be bigger.
Meanwhile, Sunethra (my sister) took one look at me and ran away screaming that she wanted a brother and not a sister. Right then I realised who my number one enemy would be.
That day itself, I made my first resolution:
One day I will be the Queen of Ceylon and definitely before I turn 40.
The country was then known as Ceylon.
***
Chandrika Bandaranayake Kumaratunge CBK as a baby. From her autobiography
For Crazylanka. By NS
Zany stories from Sri Lanka

Reading this, you must think that I failed. I did not! I became the President of Sri Lanka in 1994 before I was 40. True, I was born in 1945, but I had a secret birth ceremony in 1955. I had two witnesses on that day. President of Sri Lanka in 1994. And again....also in a secret ceremony!
History does repeat itself!

But that's enough about my date of birth!
****
My Dad
I came from a humble but rich family.
My grandfather Solomon was a humble peon for the colonial masters but he amassed a fortune by hard honest toil. He was rewarded for his steady, hard and honest toil by a village-headman-ship. Everybody called him ‘Maha-Mud-Liar’ as a joke. He built a modest dwelling in his village near the Colombo-Veyangoda railway line. There he lived, horse-whipping upstart native peasants for recreation.
He had a carter who died, but that is a different story.

Right: Grandad Sir Solomon. He was very pro-British. His moustache is in the British Museum.
Sir Solomon Bandaranayake
The rest was false!
My Dad (confusingly, also called Solomon!) was brought up in the lap of luxury and was given no less than four names to show how important he was. My grandfather sent him to Colombo to the Oxford Institute to learn the ways of the White Man. There he became president of the student welfare union.
When he returned to the village, he addressed the gathered peasants in an elaborate and erudite speech; in the course of which he promised them that he would uplift the common man and that, as a first step, he would learn Sinhalese so that they could understand what he was saying to them.
"Fewer Mistakes Than Graeme Wislon's Dismal Schoolboyish Effort!"....... International Herald Tribune

Part 2: Before The Fat Brat
They were wonderful, wonderful years! The years before the fat brat Anura........ Just Sue and me.
Daddy never accepted that I was a girl. He said he wanted a son and dad, in those days, always got what he wanted. So, I was a son. Orders went out to our numerous servants that I should always be dressed up as a boy. I was to be called Chandi. Chandi Baby, Chandi Podi Hamu, etc. To daddy, I was always Chandi Putha.
I sort of liked the name at first but I hated it when some boys called me Chandrapala. Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of people called Chandrapala but I think it is a real Godaya name!

Acting like a boy had its own rewards. I could bully my sister Sue by pretending to be her brother. She had to call me Chandi Malli. I remember biting her a couple of times. Everyone said I was my father's "heir apparent". Not that he did go around biting people! Not in the literal sense anyway!


Ala Goniya
It is about this time that my Daddy, a shrewd political strategist and having learnt enough Sinhalese to get by, decided to dump his European style suit and get into the so-called National Costume. Unfortunately, in this post-Colonial period this dress was known as the Ala Goniya (Potato Sack). There is no doubt that the Ala Goniya helped my dad win the elections. Later I found out that dad always wore Western style underpants under his Ala Goniya. The natives never wore underpants then! But I digress!...

"O Mein Papa! To me he was so wonderful!" Of all the games we played, "Cabinet Eka" was the best. We pretended to be dad's cabinet buddies. There was one of dad's cabinet buddies whom I really liked. I always wanted to be him. Tall man with a funny nose. They called him Dick. He was not a big shot at the time, much junior to dad. But Dad used to say that he was crafty and would go places. I loved playing Dick. It was easy. All you had to do was to mispronounce sinhala words. (Publisher's note: This is Junius Richard Jayawardene familiarly known as "JR")
Everyone of Dad's cabinet buddies wanted to be the head honcho. DeeEss was the front runner. Dud, his son was in the race as well, but far behind. Dear old Mummy never trusted Daddy's cabinet 'animals' and used to tell dad never to trust Dee Ess as he, Dee Ess, would make Dud the king at the first chance he gets.
DS Senanayake the first Prime Minister of Ceylon Sri Lanka
Jungle King


Then there was Jack "Jungle John" Kotellawala (3) (Also known as Kelay Joan, Kethalaya, Kotalaya etc). . He was the biggest bully that ever became a minister. "Ado Banda!" was his usual over-familiar way of greeting Daddy. Dad was really scared of him. Everyone was; and jealous too.
Jack had his Purple Brigade. A sexy woman whom dad was eyeing when he was still at school was a leading Purple.
Mum used to call them all bad names. Daddy would always dismiss her advice, saying that politics was far more complex than "boiling baby jak". Politics was then the exclusive domain of educated males. Women stayed in the kitchen....boiling jak!

(Left: D.S. Senanayake and Right: John Kotellawala)

Did we get 'Real Independence" or did we sell the country to Native Colonials? Find out in the next thrilling episode!
John Kottelawala Prime Minister of Ceylon Sri Lanka

It's "Bye! bye! Brittannia" Time!
There had been a time when dad was very anti-Anglo. He could never forget how they treated him when he was at Oxford. Those days the Whites called all Asians "Wogs" which most people think is an acronym of "Westernised Oriental Gentleman" but is actually a reference to Golliwog!
When the war started, dad used to go round saying that this was our chance to get rid of the "sudu parayas" (White Sh*ts). Dick and Dud supported dad until Dee Ess pulled them by their ears and asked them not to cross the line. Dad was always a realist. When he realised that he had very little support among cabinet buddies, he did one of his many somersaults.

Dad was the King of U-Turns! All of a sudden, he started to pretend that he was a big friend of the Anglos and went round the country saying that we should forget the past and back the British in the war effort.

In 1948 the hated white men left Ceylon with much fanfare. The political cut-throatism amongst the natives started almost immediatly. This is where Daddy's Oxford English became useful but the downside was trying to pronounce Sinhala words like "Deshpalanaya" and "Swadeshiya" , not to mention "Vishwa Vidyalaya", without an Oxford accent.

Poor Daddy became the butt end of many jokes which I wont repeat!

Omen!
Soon after the Anglos left in 1948, mum said she was going to have another baby.

The astrologers were predicting a girl this time. Good, another sister for me to bully. But, knowing very well that the idiots predicted a boy before I was born, I had my doubts. I started reading nursery stories, about queens who could outsmart little brothers. Just in case!
One of the stories I really liked was about a prince, a naughty one called Vijaya. He was so naughty that his dad had to put him on a boat and chase him away with his cronies. Now, that's a true prince. Closing my eyes, I could see him: tall, handsome with curly hair, long side-burns and riding a beautiful horse, doing all the naughty things. If I marry a man one day, I said to myself, "it would be none other than a Vijaya Kumaraya".
NEXT CHAPTER
Footnotes:
1.Crazylanka™ is a freethinking non-profit making organisation based in Sri Lanka with major correspondents in London, Melbourne, Sydney, New Delhi, Los Angeles and Vancouver.

2. Contrary to popular belief, my mummy always addressed my daddy as Solly and not as Banda. This was mostly because many of our many servant boys were also called Banda!
3. Jack Kotellawala thought so highly of himself that he got his face on a postage stamp as soon as he became Pry Minister. He was the first Sri Lankan PM to do so!
Coming soon!: My Days At St Bridget's
A multi-author effort. Thanks to KS and VM. Major contributors to this work and Crazylanka in general are entitled to a FREE COPY of Graeme Wilson's book. Establish contact with us first.....Terms and conditions apply. May be unsuitable for right thinking Sri Lankans. Unsuitable for use as household fuel..........

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A spoof publication of Crazylanka.com. First published in August 2005. Illustrated by NS.