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established as a newspaper scince 45 B.C. 21st of Navam 491 A.D.
Published daily by Associated Newspapers of Nuwara Lake House, Anuradhapura. Price: 4 copper Kassyapas or 8 copper Datusenas. Roman coins welcome but we do not accept any Anulas. We do not publish on the Poya Day.
NEWS FLASH! At the time of going to press news was emerging that the King's estranged brother, Prince Mogallen, who wisely escaped to India to avoid a similar fate as his dad, has hired mercenaries and was now ready to return for a final showdown with his sadistic brother King Kassyapa. The Anuradhapura Herald says!...
Mogallen old chap we missed you very much and welcome back to the old country! It's nice to know that you managed to raise an army.....but did you really have to go to India for that?.... We at the AH are/were very much on your side... but India ? Really!
No doubt your army consists entirely of bloody Johnny Foreigners!
What about our own boys who are ready to die for you?
And no bloody doubt by hanging around the slums of Calcutta and Madras you have picked up smallpox, cholera and leprosy as gifts for all of us! Ha! Ha!.. Thank you very bloody much!..but sheriously you don't expect to topple your brother Our Great King Kassyapa do you? You must be mad.
That guy has done a lot for Sigiriya er ...like..er..er..
We now have THE BEST frescoes of topless women in South East Asia guaranteed to last well into the 21st Centuary...
and of course we still love him...at least at the time of going to press...but if you do win this thing I am sure you'll remember us your old pals at the AH.
Do pop in for a pint of Ra when you are free..We'll line up the girls...
PHEW! Wot a scorcher!
We know you'll love her! Here is our very first Page Three Girl! Isn't she gorgeous! Wow! No wonder the King fell for her! She certainly is worth a King's Ransom! King Kassyapa is no fool when it comes to ladies! He certainly knows how to look after them up there in his Sky Palace of Sigiriya! Just look at all those Diamonds and Sapphires! This gal is wearing enough gee gaws to buy half the Kingdom if she wanted to! But lads, don't get too carried away and think that you can get your filthy paws on this girl's..er... jewels! She belongs to the King! And we do know the King is on a short fuse! Remember the time he went totally BALLISTIC with his dad, old King Datusena and condemned the old geezer to a horrible death from suffocation by burying him alive under tons of plaster? Old King Datu is now literally propping up the Kingdom! How gross can you get?.....
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By our Sigiriya correspondent in hiding.
We understand that at yesterdays top-secret Elephant auctions at Minneriya an unamed person thought to be acting under the instructions of the King bid an unheard-of-before price of 3,5000,000 copper Kassyapas for a single young cow elephant. Defence experts told the AH that the elephant would need considerable training before it could be safely used in a real-life battle situation. The palace refused to comment and threatened to behead our.....

NO SILICONE IMPLANTS! In response to rumours that have been circulating a spokesman for the palace issued a statement to the effect that none of the King's consorts had undergone plastic surgery....The rumour-mongers have been beheaded.
by our science correspondent
A senior Ayurvedic medical researcher Dr.Odiris today announced that a cure for Malaria has been discovered... As Malaria is caused by bad air the great researcher suggests that the entire populace should wear half coconut shells smeared with cow dung over their mouths and nostrils...The Minister of Health said that funding for half coconut shells were...
Sigiriya SIGIRIYA FORTRESS: Best collection of topless women..
On other pages: *This weeks beheadings * Coconut prices *Non-political cartoon by WIJESOMA *Marriage proposals
Serious note:
Most Sri Lankans would instantly recognise our page three girl and the events above but as this is an international publication a word of explanation is required. As usual as far as events, dates, main players and places go, the above account is generally accurate but highly jazzed up. Sigiriya is an ancient rock fortress and the frescoes are still there.

King Kassyapa did kill his dad by incorporating the old man in one of the walls with a liberal layer of plaster .This method of concealing a body is apparently still prevalent in the Western world. Concrete is used these days.

The lady in question is probably one of the King's consorts. She is in a "Bathing Tank" in the company of her (female) attendants.
Most people would say that she and her attendants are topless. Prudish Srilankans of a previous generation brought up during Victorian times and embarrased by nudity, have suggested that she and her maids are not actually topless but wearing very flimsy blouses which are wet---"The Wet T Shirt Effect"-- with the neck of the garment neatly coinciding with the dark line around the neck and the sleeves coinciding with the arm band type jewellery on the middle of the upper arms.
Whilst it is possible that this theory is correct it could be said that the difference in colour, which is quite obvious, is due to tanning or lack of tanning: the so called " white bits under the bikini effect".......but who cares!

The frescoes are a remarkable piece of history.This is only one of the many frescoes at this site.There is a striking resemblance to the paintings of Ajantha in India.The features (facial) are classical North Indian/Sinhalese as opposed to South Indian/Tamil. The Ajanta paintings are thought to be Tempera whilst the Sigiriya ones are genuine frescoes.

King Kassyapa ruled between 473-491AD before being overthrown by his brother Mogallen.(Yes, he had a problem elephant!) One can therefore assume that our page three girl lived around that time.

It is generally thought that Malaria played a major part in shaping Srilankan history. More British invaders of Srilanka died of Malaria than from battlefield events..

The Bibiliography is the same as that for the other historical pieces on this website with the addition of:
Dhanapala, D.B., The Story of Sinhalese Painting, Saman Press, Maharagama, Srilanka (then Ceylon, no ISBN number, No date of publication but probably 1958 or just before)

Sigiriya is accessible from the usual holiday resorts subject to delays caused by SriLankan road conditions. An overnight trip is recommended.

Copyright © Gyan Fernando 2001. Reformatted on 18th Aug 2002 to incorporate page with crazylanka.com...same gags though!

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History of SriLanka 1 | History 2 | History 3 | Portuguese Observer | Queen Anula | Idiot Kings

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