|SRI LANKA IDIOT KINGS|
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Freddy the North or Sudu Mahaththaya
The story so far....Sri Wickrema Rajasinghe or the Lion King is the King of Candea and his Adikari Pilima Talave is about to sell the King to the British..... To a British tourist by the name of Freddy the North.....
At this time in Sri Lanka the political situation was no different from what it is today (and probably no different from what it will be in another 100 years from now except it is highly unlikely that crazylanka will be there.)
Freddy North Mahaththaya was a British mercenary. He was sponsored by a terrorist organisation called "Rule Brittannia" headed by a Mad King by the name of George lll. George was mad and later they made a film about it called "The Madness of King George"
(Worse was to come in the form of mad woman by the name of Queen Victoria who married a German chap by the name of Albert.)
In the couple of hundred years or so before Freddy arrived in Ceylan the ground work had been laid down by the Portuguese and then by the Dutch. First the Fernandos and Pereras joined up the East India Company Eka and then their Tamil bretheren in the Vanni and Yalpanam did the same. If you can't lick 'em...!
The only bit of Sri Lanka not under the Colonial rule was the middle bit known as Kandey Uda Rata dominated by the arrogant Kandey Uda Ratarians or the Kandyans. (They still are arrogant bastards but Kandy girls are nice!)
Freddy Mahaththaya was happy with his Bajjar Eka although at the back of his mind (which happened to be at the back of his skull) was a desire to build a road through Kande UR to Thiriconamalai.
Not that he wanted to but that was why he was sent to Ceylan in the first place. By Mad George.
Now in the setting tropical sun on Mount Lavinia beach there was a burning sensation on the back of his head caused by sunburn and this also happened to be the back of his mind.
When Pilima Talave, a Kandeyudaratian, approached Freddy Mahaththaya such thoughts of building roads were out of Freddy's mind.
Two weeks in the sun and one's outlook on life changes...not necessarily for the better.
Freddy had been in Ceylan much longer than two weeks and could wear the sarong if he wanted to.
Mount Lavinia Hotal Eka was good, the beach was good, the Ra was good, the food was good, there were nice Colombo girls and..and...and... in another few year's time Mad King George might call me back to London.
That latter thought seriously worried Freddy.
Mad George's London
There was not much in London except an open sewer called Father Thames and a nearby street called Fleet Street. Fleet Street was also a sewer (and still is although now it is more in the metaphorical sense). There were a lot of girls around Fleet Street and the Embankment...All had Syphilis.
Freddy, who was the son of a former Pry Minister (also named Frederick North) had obtained his Knighthood from "Mad George the Turd" and had buggered around a bit before Mad George sent him to Ceylan. It took sometime for Freddy to get used to Ceylan but he had grown to like the place, the people and the Ra.
Freddy had no desire of going back to Blighty, Fleet Street and George Looney.
"Must do something!" he thought. "I can't stand that madman!"
"Bugger London! Bugger the Old Looney! Bugger........."
"Chak! Chak! Chak!" cried a Gecko in the disapproving manner that Geckos say "Chack".
It was at this moment that Pilima Talave entered Freddy's life.
The last thing that Freddy wanted entering his life was a cocky Kandeyan bastard addressing him in a too familiar manner! No one likes to be addressed as "Hullo!"
Having spent the last year or so around the beach Freddy had picked up a bit of the local lingo. This mostly amounted to words like "Ado! Tho! Thopi! Numbala! Ennadah! Sanniyan!" and useful words and phrases like "Ra, Ra Polkatta, Malupaan, Kukul Muss, Kakkusi eka? "
Having woken from his daydreams..or rather sunset dreams and having taken the wind out of the cocky Kandeyan bastard now grovelling in front of him Freddy mellowed slightly but kept the sneer going. It takes a lot of work to keep a sneer going...
No need to be too nice to the natives but one does need them especially when anytime Mad George might throw one of his tantrums and might call one back to London.... A slight shiver ran down Freddy's spine at that thought but that was his fault for wearing shorts and tee shirt after sundown. In any case it was only a slight shiver.
In the twilight and in the flickering shadows created by the coconut oil lamps Freddy beckoned Pilima to sit down...on the floor. Freddy studied Pilima carefully.
Freddy had been around the beach long enough to recognise the usual beach boys and touts offering anything from Vaddai, carved elephants, coconut shell bras, girls...and er..boys...with or without coconut shell bras.
Something about Pilima said that he was not a ordinary tout...more of a Royal Tout...from Raja Rata...King's Country.
Freddy's uttering of this single word was like a trishaw backfiring but trishaws were yet to be discovered.
"What-Do-You-Want-Man?" asked Freddy but this time in measured tones (except there was no real way of measuring tones at that time.)
"WhatWhatWhatWhatWhat....oh!...watwatwatwat... Oh Dear! What can the matter be with Johnny so long at the fair! Oh dearie me whatwhat...."
responded Pilima Talave using up most of his English vocabulary.
Pilima was now seriously short of vocabules in his Engrishy vocabulary.
"Mokada Yako?" asked Freddy using up the first vocabules in his Singhula vocabulary.
(It was like a game of chess and the King was in danger.)
"Yes, Yes, Yes? You want Kandy?" asked Pilima flashing a set of Betel stained teeth.
"You want Kandy?..You want Kandy?..You want Kandy..? Sir?"
"What are you talking about man? I don't like sweets! I never eat Candy!"
"No!no!no!no!no!.. I mean Kandey Kandeiy Kandhey ....KandeyUdarata! You want Rajasinghe head?...You want? Rajasinghe head? ...chop! chop!?"
This was when Frederick North realised that Kandey was up for sale.
"Ha!" thought Frederick slightly letting go of the sneer. The constant sneering was beginning to hurt his facial muscles.
"This is the answer to my problems!"
"RIGHT!" said Fred...to himself...and slapped his left thigh killing a mosquito in the process...
Meanwhile, back at the Palace...
To be continued....
Serious historical note: "Mad" King George the third lived from 25 Oct 1760 to 29 Jan 1820 (but was considered unfit to rule on 5 Feb 1811.) Frederick North was the third son of a Prime Minister (who was also named Frederick North). Frederick North was Governor of Ceylon from 1798 to 1805. Later he was the chancellor of Corfu university. (Check links below for a pic of a statue of Fred.) Check the bibliography for serious links on the subject.
Additional research by Ranjani de Silva to whom we are grateful. This is a work in progress. Ideas welcome.
King George the lll
Copyright © Crazylanka 2002. First written on the 26th of October 2002
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