The Daily Pol Thel. Sri Lanka's First Silly Publication apart from the Hansard! In the war against stupidity humour is the best weapon! Ne te confundant ignoramii!

Ne te confundant ignoramii! Now with added YouTube with Sri Lankan clips. A Crazylanka-McMalupaan Corporation Publication. Pol-Thel is Coconut Oil.....in Sinhalese. Now you know! You always wanted to know that didn't you?...The Daily Pol Thel. Sri Lanka's First Silly Publication apart from the Hansard. Apita Pissu! Ennakku Paiththiyam! Estamos locos! Contact us: crazylanka@hotmail.co.uk

VOL 7 NO 10 Air Rage Rajapaksa Issue 20th de Diciembre 2007

Latest Knews: Crazylanka Felicitates Sri Lankan President By Introducing New Crazylanka Logo Eka

Mervyn Might Be Appointed CEO of Srilankan Airways. Passengers to be beaten up and bumped off! Doctors Manage To Stitch Up Mervyn's Mouth! Shock! Now on Thug Called Mervyn Gets it! Hurrah! Pink Blood and Totally Gut-less! by our corr. Mrs Rupa Vahini (Crazylanka, Punchi Borella) Today, a very very very very very vicious thug by the name of "Hon. Member of Parliament Mervyn Silva" smashed a TV set and got beaten up by the poor workers of the State controlled and totally State biased TV station called Rupavahini. He needed a change of underpants and is undergoing testicular surgery at the Nashional Hospital Eka.... More news and photos to follow. Mervyn the Alien Has Pink Blood Shock! In shocking pictures emerging from Sri Rajapakistan, an Alien Being called Mervyn, from The Planet Rajapaksa was seen to shed pink blood. Thish man is is not a Man but an Alien ekkena and should be sent backpacking (Surely "packing back" -Ed) to his own Planet together with his fellow Alien Moustache Rajapaksa! Mervyn's Followers Have Blond Hair Shock.... Crazylanka Says Sadly, When A Country Gets To This Crazy Stage, Satire Is Totally Ineffective!

Very, Very Latest News Eka : “Peter Hill will remain CEO of SriLankan until the contract expires in March 2008,” Emirates, which owns 43.6 percent of the company and has the right to manage the airline for 10-years up to next March, said in a statement. (Khaleej Times) (Surely, Emirate Thambi man not saying " Sod off " to Glorioush Moustasche man of small brain Republic? How dare they. We must launch war in .....er....somewhere! No? Editor Sir? (Yes, you are right and you are not sacked -Ed)

From The Times December 20, 2007 Airline chief Peter Hill faces high jump for refusing to kick off tourists for President Rajapaksa

MAN WITH MOUSTACHE HIJACKS SRILANKAN AIRLINE! Shock eka! MAN CALLED PETER HILL WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE SACKED! by our corr. Abdhulla Bul-Bul Amir of Dubai (who can buy the whole of Sri Lanka if he wants to!) Heartbreaking News: Man With Moustache Tries To Hijack Srilankan Airways Aircraft After Visiting Devon In England To See His Son Passing Out Of A Naval College. Meanwhile a Man Called Peter Hill (Non-Moustache type Hated Foreigner type eka) tried to stop the hijacking and then what happens? Very predictable no? Man called Peter Hill Without Moustache is declared Persona Non Grata.... Aiyo What ish thish country coming to Aney?   War of Words Today in an unPresidented attack....er....I mean an unprecedented attack, a Government bumlicker attacked the decision of the foreigner Peter Hill who allowed poor fee-paying passengers to fly Sri Lankan airways without getting bumped off. Peter looked after the poor, downtrodden, masses and did not allow them to be bumped off the Srilankan state airline by a despotic nepotistic hijacker! (That'sh three big words in a row, Editor Sir!) (You will be dead very soon for righting...er...writing thish- Ed) What happened was that a man with a hideous moustache known as Percy, who is in not in total control of the small Republic of Sri Rajapakistan visited England. They allowed him to visit Devon to see his son playing a game of "soldiers and tigers"! After having fun in Devon this man then was trying to get back to the Crazy Republic with his 37 wives. Why else he want 37 seats? No? The Srilankan Airline flights being overbooked, my friend Peter Hill (right) told the Moustache to "Palayang Yakko" (which may be translated as "Go to hell!"). The man with the moustache then tried to hijack the aircraft! Unfortunately, the man with the moustache Mahinda Mugabepaksa, has very, very, devoted but scared bumlickers propping up his corrupt Government Eka. So Peter loses job. That happens everyday in Sri Rajapakistan...Shocking, No? Thish man told me " Palayang Yakko!"  Crazylanka says: Well done Peter! You are a man of the people! (Ed) Peter Hill Coming soon: How this Moustache Man's son got into a Devon Naval Academy when other naval personnel in Sri Lanka can't even get to Colombo! Bad no? Very, very bad no? By the way, Did You Know? THE HEADQUARTERS OF CRAZYLANKA IS IN DEVON! New Feature: Robert Mugabe Is A Nice Guy!

Pol-Thel Archives have minor bandwidth problems and may not be available all the time. But do try! We will sort the problem soon. Apologies!

Now with added YouTube with Sri Lankan clips. Clips changed frequently. We pay $ for original Sri Lankan clips! Free! How to say "I AM CRAZY!" in 104 languages! A good way to open a conversation in a foreign country! CHECK IT OUT! COMING SOON!The Girlie Magazine from Crazylanka Web www.crazylanka.com

VOL 6 NO 10 Basil Rajapaksa Issue 20th September 2007

President Adniham Askapajar of Sri Lanka President Invited To Address UN by Colombo Page (the most pro-garment webshite of Sri Lanka) President Adniham Askapajar of Sri Lanka Denies Country Is Moving Backwards! by our corr. Aston Martin Wickremesinghe (of Galle Face Race Track) Today the President of The Glorioush Republic of Sri Lanka, Adniham Askapajar told the NU that the NU was totally obsessed with Human Rights and was not actually interested in warfare. Askapajar blamed the NU (also known as the UN) for causing countries like Sri Lanka to move backwards by not allowing exfoliations...er...deforestations...er...I mean...violations of the Hanuman Rights....Hanuman was a famous monkey! More rubbish to follow in the UN. What do you expect if they invite despots like Askapajar to a circus controlled by an ape like George W.Bush......

Sri Lanka rupee trades at new low, foreign names sell bonds Sept 07, 2007 (LBO) – The Sri Lanka rupee traded at a new low of 113.36 against the greenback as a foreign name sold rupee bonds Thursday Sri Lanka Rupee Surges Against Zimbabwe Dollar! by our corr. R. U. Piyal (SCN Punchi Borella 25-09-2007) Lanka Rupee Today the Sri Lankan Rupee surged to new heights against the Zimbabwean Dollar. In recent times President Mahinda Mugabepaksa of Sri Lanka has managed to hold the rupee firm whilst President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has allowed the country to go to the dogs. Today, the Sri Lankan Rupee was worth one sheet of toilet paper whilst Z$ was 300,000 to half a toilet sheet of paper.... Zimbabwe Fistful of Dollars

President Mahinda Rajapaksa's brother Basil is appointed as a member of parliament amidst protest. His other brother is also in Parliament

Thousands Change Name To "Rajapaksa"! by our corr. Iqbal Athas Rajapaksa (in hiding, somewhere in Rajapaksapura, Sri Rajapaksistan 20-09-2007) Today there was total confusion in Sri Rajapaksistan (formerly Sri Lanka) when thousands and thousands of people changed their name to "Rajapaksa" to get appointed as a Member of Parliament or even to get a job. "Aiyo! It is total confusion" said a man called Rajapaksa "Everyone is changing their name to Rajapaksa! This is mad! The telephone directory is now full of Rajapaksas. Even Abdul Gafoor of the Thambi Kade now goes by the name of Abdul Gafoor Rajapaksa and the Thosai Kade is run by Nagalingam Rajapaksa!" Hospitals authorities were reporting that all new born babies are being named Rajapaksa by their parents (also called Rajapaksa) and several babies have now got mixed up. Dr. Rajapaksa of the De Soyza Maternity Hospital said "Of the deliveries this morning all except one baby were named Rajapaksa. One was named Askapajar, which I believe is Rajapaksa spelt backwards. Even at this moment, Midwife Rajapaksa is delivering a baby already named Rajapaksa by its parents!" Even the Police and the courts are having trouble with most victims and offenders having the name of Rajapaksa said Police Inspector Rajapaksa of the Pettah Police. A High Court trial (State v Rajapaksa, Rajapaksa and Rajapaksa) came to a standstill today when the victim, the suspects, the Advocates and even the Judge were called Rajapaksa. Even most of the jurors were called Rajapakse. Emerging reports indicate that the Mahanayaka Theros and the Bishops and Archbishop have changed their name to Rajapaksa. Even Pope Rajapaksa....(That'sh enough Rajapaksa! - Ed. Rajapaksa) Other Knews Crazylanka.com to change name to CrazyRajapaksa.com! Shocking news emerging from Cyberspace indicated that the prestidigitous, award non-winning Sri Lankan satirical webshite Crazylanka dot com is to change it's name to CrazyRajapaksa dot com! Managing Director of Crazylanka.com, a Mr. Rajapaksa, said "We are looking at the broad Global picture and a webshite like ours needs to move with the times. We hope to get into Parliament soon and have therefore decided to change our name. The news was welcomed by the Sri Lanka Shtock exchange which surged down by 2 points at midday today. Shares in Crazylanka rose by 0.5cents. Announcements Deaths Rajapaksa, Raja. The death is announced of Raja Rajapaksa, beloved husband of Rajani Rajapaksa, loving father of Rajapaksa (Bank of Rajapaksa), Dr.Rajapaksa (Rajapaksapura Hospital) and Rajapaksa (MD Rajapaksa Industries). Loving grandfather of Rajapaksa and Rajapaksa. Cortege leaves residence at 4.30pm today to the Rajapaksa Crematorium Births Rajapaksa, Rajapaksa. Mr and Mrs Rajapaksa of Battaramulla are pleased to announce the birth of their baby son Rajapaksa Rajapaksa. Both mother and son are doing well. Marriages Rajapaksa and Rajapaksa. The families of Rajapaksa Rajapaksa (of Rajapaksa Corporation) and Rajapaksa Rajapaksa (of the Rajapaksa Communications) are pleased to announce the marriage of their daughter (or is it the son ?) to their son (or is it daughter?) at the Rajapaksa Hotel......(That'sh enough Rajapaksas! - Ed) Change of Name I, Warnakulasuriya Muhandiramge Francis Fernando of Paiyagala will henceforth be known as Rajapaksa Mudiyanselage Rajapaksa Rajapaksa. (43782) I, Ranil Wickremasinghe of Cinnamon Watta C7 will henceforth be known as Ranil Rajapaksasinghe (96410)

Pol-Thel Archives have minor bandwidth problems and may not be available all the time. But do try! We will sort the problem soon. Apologies!

Now with added YouTube with Sri Lankan clips. Clips changed frequently. We pay $ for original Sri Lankan clips! Free! How to say "I AM CRAZY!" in 104 languages! A good way to open a conversation in a foreign country! CHECK IT OUT! COMING SOON!The Girlie Magazine from Crazylanka

VOL 6 NO 9 Matrimonial Issue 25th July 2007
Crazylanka is on an expedition in Siberia. Normal service will be resumed late August...
July 28 (AFP) Sri Lanka on Saturday banned imports of live birds and chickens from India following an outbreak of bird flu in the neighbouring country, an official said.
A Nice Indian Bird! Bird Flu Hits India! Lanka President Rajapaksa Guilty of Importing Live Indian Birds! Shock! by our corr. Kukulagama Kukulwansa of Kalutara Fried Chicken Corp (SCN 28-07-2007) Today, when Health Officers were trying to prevent Bird Flu in Sri Lanka by preventing Indian birds from getting into the country, the President of the country, Mahinda "Moustache" Rajakukulbettaya× was seen associating with Indian birds! (Right) And at his official residence! Aiyo! Why import birds from India, Uzbekistan and Kazkhstan when we have lovely Sri Lankan birds? (Coming soon! More pictures of birds!) × From the old Sri Lankan Nursery Rhyme: "Thattaya! Mottaya! Rajakukulbettaya!" MGR
Politics Make Strange Bedfellows! Woman called Mangalika in forced marriage leaves husband and joins The Opposition, Shock!
				by our corr. Hansard W. Fernando from the Thoppigala New Parliament (SCN Thoppigala) There were very, very, very strange going-ons in the Parliment when a young lady by the name of Mangalika from the ruling party was found in a "love-nest" situation with the Leader of the Opposition, Rani Wickremesingho. When confronted, the young lady, also known as Mangala said " I have always been in love with the United National Party but was forced into joining the Government by that ruthless dictator Moustache Rajapaksa. Forced Marriage It was a forced marriage and I spent many unhappy years with the Moustache. I was regularly beaten and made to work in the kitchen all day. I want my dowry back! I hope to spend the rest of my life with my new husband Ranil until I get a better offer from the Government!" Meanwhile her former husband Moustache Rajapaksa was desperate to find anything to prop up his Government......	The happy couple! Ranil with Mangalika
Other Knews Ranil Is Uterly...er utterly...Illiter...illustrated....er...unejucated! Shock! Meanwhile, in the Opposition corral, the Leeder of the Opersition finds out that it was a long time since he left Univarsity and that he can't remembering the how to spell....(Assuming that he once knew how to spell! -Ed) Vat a way to run a country!....or as the populace...populashun.. are saying "Ratata Giya Kala!" (Trans: What happen to country?") At won tyme the Sri Lanka woz nown for good Englis but now langwaje wery...er....very bad know? Enuff is enough or is it enogh? They are saying in the Sri Lanka Engrishy very, very bad! Read the Crazylanka Literary Pages Sri Lanka Opens First Porn shop! Pic: K. Silva/Crazylanka And you thought that Sri Lanka was bad! "Meanwhile, water bills will have to rise as a response to the floods, the head of the Environment Agency has told the BBC News website." LINK
Pol-Thel Archives have minor bandwidth problems and may not be available all the time. But do try! We will sort the problem soon. Apologies!

VOL 6 NO 8 Thoppigala Special Issue 15th July 2007
Latest: Internet Crashes Worldwide Shock!
"If War Ends We Will Only Have The Cricket. No?!" War Will Soon End, Worry! buy...er...by our corr. Dematagoda Dias Mahattaya aka Grenade Dias Following the glorioush victory by the Sri Lankan army in the famous Battle of Thoppigala, there is widespread worry that the war might end very soon. On friday the Sri Lankan stock market plunged and business people could be seen in huddles. For over twenty years the war had kept the country going and the people occupied with violence. There is a worry that if the war ends there will be serious loss of business and jobs leading to a downturn in the economy. What will the country do if there is an end to violence? "Aiyo! What will I do?" said Piyadasa "Bandakka" Mudiyanse of the Colombo Underworld. "For the last twenty years I have been trading in hand grenades, guns and explosives for the underworld businesses. If the war ends where am I going to get supplies? Ah? (Warning to travellers to Sri Lanka: The Colombo Underworld is NOT a nightclub in Colombo!)
"I was not never a suicide bomber and I shall never will be none!" - Tamilselvan Ayyah, Master of The Mangling of the Syntax.				Dead Black Tigers Fail To Attend Reunion Tiger Suicide Squad Fail To Gather Themselves For A Get-together! by our corr. Tamilselvan Ayyah of Vanni The recent celebration commemorating 100 years of Black Tigers Suicide Bombers was a total washout and disappointment as none of the Black Tigers who blew themselves up for the greater glory of Eelam were able to attend the celebrations! "Unfortunately the process of blowing oneself up as a Suicide Bomber™ causes instant and irreversible disintegration of the human body which is unavoidable and an inherent part of the process of blowing oneself up. This is a downside of suicide bombing that we did not think of at the time when we invented Suicide Bombing™. Because of this none of the idiots...er...I mean...none of the martyrs were able to get together and attend the reunion" said a Eelam spokesman who was wearing flak underpants and a flak jacket, to protect himself. (Suicide Bomber™ and Suicide Bombing™ are registered trade marks of Eelam Corporation. Prop: Velupillai Kottakelengu Prabhakaran)	(Above) A black Tiger in camouflage
Entertainment News: Kolam Natakaya Revived! Appey Kattey Buth! Thopey Kattey Pus! (Translation: "Rice in our mouths. Sand in yours!") The well-known Sri Lankan Kolam Natakaya (Comedy Play) "Apey Kattey Buth, Thopey Kattey Pus!" (Translation: "Rice in our mouths. Sand in yours!" was recently revived under the patronage of the Garment of the Glorioush Rajapakssa, the Supreme President of Sri Lanka (now including the Thoppigala province). Starring the famous Sri Lankan actor Percy Rajapakksa, who once did not act with Marilyn Monroe, the play also stars a relative newcomer (relative! Get it?) known as Gonibilla Gothabaya. The show is scheduled to run for years and years and years and years and very many more years...(That'sh enough years! - Ed) Appey Kattey Buth! Thopey Kattey Pus!

VOL 6 NO 7 Ethnic Cleansing Issue 6th June 2007
Latest Knews!: President's Popularity Plummets to 120% Shock eka!
Original picture by Daminda Harsha Perera who deserves a medal!				Abduction of journalist exposes police-state tactics in Sri Lanka Shock! Woman Journalist Visits Police Station On Her Own. by our corr. P.C. Batonpolle Balawardana (SCN 15-6-2007) at Borella Police Station Aiyo! Today a nasty woman journalist by the name of Parameswari Konduvanga Palmyrah Toddy walked into a police station and was not instantly arrested by me. I was not allowed to! Aiyo, what is this country coming to? Police have no powers to intimidate (That'sh a big word Police Superindentent, Sir!) journalist in this country? Journalists are the cowdung of the Earth and that..er...those Crazylanka idiots are the worst! What all this rubbish about Human Rights? What all thish nonsense about Fundamental Rights? Journalists are not humans! So what is the problem? What journalists need is a kick up their arses...er...I mean..their fundaments! If I had my way I will beat up thish Amnesty International lot with my baton polla......Don't get me wrong! Sri Lanka is a nice country as long as you follow the rules.....Bring back hanging....!
Ministry of Silly Tissues! LATEST KNEWS! President Percy Rajapaksa creates Ministry of Portfolios! In an effort to handle the number of portfolios in the present cabinet the Glorious Leader of Sri Lanka, Percy Mahendra Dutugemunupakksa (Thish guy really called Percy? Joke no?-Ed) created a new Ministry of Portfolios. This is another Sri Lankan first as no other country has a ministry entirely devoted to portfolios. "Thish just shows how great the President is! No other country has given a thought to properly looking after their Ministers. Afterall, Ministers are devoted, self-less people on meagre incomes and need to be looked after well." said a Government spokesman from the Ministry of Government Spokesmen...... Ethnic Cleansing? What Ethnic Cleansing Tamils grateful for free soap and wash and return trip to LandMineLand™ amusement park! by our corr. I. O . Gothabhayasena (SCN Ministry of Defence Eka, 8-6-2007) Today rumours published in the anti-Government news agencies like AFP, AP, CNN, BBC and ABC gave a false impression that the Glorioush Garment of Sri Lanka was ethnically cleaning the Tamils who were loitering around Colombo. What happened was some of these poor people were smelling of Vaddai and Gingelly oil and had not washed for days. So what we did was give them a good wash with the best soap and sent them on a picnic to LandMineLand™ in Killinochi, which is a popular Sri Lankan amusement park. The reactionary press of the rest of the world and our own Supreme Court got it wrong! Next time we are going to pile them all into gas chambers....er....I mean industrial sized washing machines and give them a good wash. The Supreme Court judges need a good washing as well and if you media people ask me any more stupid questions I will wash you as well! So there! Your Weekly Horoscope by Professor Kataka Boruwansa, Astrologer. This coming week is going to be very, very bad for the IGP of the Sri Lankan Police Force. Your outlook unfortunately is not very very good. "Coming colours not very good", as they say in the Sri Lanka. Saying that you were only following Government orders in expelling the Tamils in Colombo is not going to help you. You are going to be made a scapegoat for a blunder on the part of somebody higher up than you. Sadly the buck will stop with you. But don't panic! There are several good airline flights out of the country daily and I suggest that you take one. Your bad days thish week: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Auspicious hours for getting out of Sri Lanka: 0530 hours on Flight UL501 facing the East (towards Australia!) (That's enough astrology! Hic!-Ed) Other News Stating the obvious! The Spirit of Sherlock Holmes lives! Govt. says could be foul play The government yesterday said it felt there was foul play behind the dumping of bodies at Dummaladeniya in Wennappuwa. MORE

VOL 6 NO 6 Monsoon Issue 8th May 2007

The Queen Murdered! Very Bad Engrishy! Ranil Airways Fly Into Controversy! Blue skies! Smiling at me! Nothing but blue skies, do I see! Ranil In New Airline Scam by our corr Deshapremi Pol-Potwansa (SCN Ratmalana Airport, 8-5-2007) News emerging from Sri Lanka indicate that the new airline Ranil Lanka is owned by the leader of the opposition Rani Wickremesingho and not by anybody associated with the Garment. There have been scurrilous (That is a big word, Editor sir!) reports in the media indicating that the Garment was somehow or the other involved in this enterprise (That'sh another big word!) and were making money to fill bank accounts in Switzerland. There is absolutely no truth about the Garment of Mihin Rajapakssa being involved in this! Otherwise they would have called it Mihin Lanka? Simple no? And also the aircraft are painted Green! That ish the colour of the opposition United Notional Party (UNP). Not the Garment....What more proof you want? Ah? What do you mean that the aircraft are painted Blue? You must be colour-blind.....Pottaya! Blue-Green colour blindness Colour blind? Thish logo is Green, not Blue! An Apology It has been brought to our notice that the Right Reverend Esteemed Great Leader of the Opposition Hon. Sir Ranil Wickremasinghe has absolutely nothing to to with this airline Ranil Lanka. We have offered him our sincere apologies and have paid him an undisclosed sum (Rs 10, actually!) by way of compensation. Rain Man Ranil Wickremasingho: Responsible for bad weather! Ranil Responsible For Rain Shock! by our corr. Deshapremi Deshapakksa (SCN Punchi Borella 8-5-2007) Gods Piss On Sri Lanka Today, the people of the Glorious Republic of Sri Lanka realised that the bad weather was the work not of the Eelam Tigers but was the work of the Opposition Leader, Ranil Wickremasingho. "It is very clear that this is the work of Ranil" said a Met. Office spokesman "Ranil is also known as Rani. If you change the letters around then RANI reads RAIN. Very shimple no? What more proof you want? Ranil caused all the rain to discredit this Garment and he is responsible for the hole in Galle Road. He is also responsible for the hole that the country is in!" Above: Ranil's Hole Ranil also responsible for allowing Eelam to acquire aircraft, for allowing Norwegians to interfere in the country, for Sri Lanka losing cricket match to Australia and also for causing fungal infections of the toenails.....

VOL 6 NO 5 Eelam Air Force Issue 29th April Fool 2007

CNN Says: Rajapaksa Is An Utter Moron Yamang Bando Cricket Balanna,Yami Barbados nagarayata! Lankawé hari kalabala, Akhasé hari karadara! Yamang Bando Cricket Balanna! Yamang Bando Cricket Balanna,Yami Barbados nagarayata...! Lankawe hari kalabala, Akhase hari karadara! Yamang Bando Cricket Balanna! Emperor Nero of Rome Emperor Neropakssa Watches Cricket Whilst Colombo Burns! Aussies Attack Sri Lanka! by our corr. Deshapremi Pol-Potwansa (Hotel Du Roi, Punchi Borella, Colombo 29-04-2007) When the poor peoples of this country were sitting around watching television to see our glorioush (hic!) cricket team winning the World Cup Eka what was President Nero Rajapakksa doing? He was in Barbados watching the cricket live! No television! Real watching! Actual watching! Actually seeing the cricket machang! and...and...Whose money he using? Apey salli neda? Meanwhile the Australians attacked Colombo dropping several cricket balls on an oil drum and setting fire to a pile of rubbish. Two rats were killed. And what does the Garment do? They cut off the electricity so we can't watch the cricket. What sort of joke is thish? (Hic?) Aiyo! What this country coming to? We must destroy Australia! We must invade Australia! We need a separate state in Australia!(Some Sri Lankans already have! - Ed) And why-oh-why are we playing a game invented by the Hated British who invaded our beloved country? Why not play Ellé with a bamboo bat? Ha?

VOL 6 NO 4 Death Threat Tissue 15th April Fool 2007

Coming soon: Pope Rajapakse Goes on a pilgrimage to pay homage to Dictator Benedict Ratzinger xiv of the Vatican! Deyyiyo Saakki! Holy God! Veni Creator Spiritus Sanctus meets Namo Dhassa Baghavatho! Death Threats Shilpa! The lovely Shilpika Liyanarachchi has recieved death threats from Dutugamunu's giant Gothabaya (shorry! We didn't have a pic of the Editoress of the Daily Mirror. Can someone send us one?-Ed) Wed Apr 18, 1:56 AM ET COLOMBO (AFP) - Sri Lankan authorities have issued a thinly veiled death threat against a newspaper editor for reporting on military excesses and human rights abuses, a media rights group said Wednesday. The local Free Media Movement (FMM) said Sri Lanka's defence secretary Gotabhaya Rajapakse, the younger brother of President Mahinda Rajapakse, threatened Champika Liyanarachchi, the editor of the Daily Mirror on Tuesday. Heartbreaking News Daily Mirror Editoress Still Alive Shock By our corr. I. O. Gotabhayasena, Ministry of Defence, Rajapaksepura (formerly Colombo) Today, inspite of dire threats by the brother of the President of the Republic of Sri Gothabayaistan, a lovely female by the name of Ms Shilpika Shettyaaarachi was still alive and editing her newspaper, The Daily Katapatha (aka Daily Mirror). "Aiyo!" said a Garment spokesman. "We only threatened her but we have absholutely (hic!) no intention of killing her. We might not but others might!" he said . "We don't like any criticism of my brother who is very, very, very, very, very, very, Democratic. That is a very, very, very, very, big word but what it means is that we kill anyone who is opposed to our Dictatorship. Dictatorship and Democracy are the same thing and if you World Media people keep on asking me idiotic questions I will have you shot! Afterall my brother is the Dictator...er....I mean President of the....." (ad nauseam-Ed)

VOL 6 NO 3 Rajapaksa Femininsensis 1st April Fool 2007

Happy (Hic!) New Year   El Presidente Discovers Fire. Enters The Modern World....Shock? Happy (Hic!) New Year Crazylanka Wishes All Our Idiotic Readers A Happy New Year Observe New Year free of alcohol & drugs! - President Rajapakse (13th April 2007 - 14:30 S.L.T) In his New Year message President Mahinda Rajapakse requests all to observe the New Year free of alcohol and drugs. (Lanka UnTruth) Excise Dept to keep close tab on liquor sales by Jayampathy Jayasinghe The Excise Department has issued instructions to all licensed liquor shops, restaurants, hotels, night clubs and Karaoke restaurants to desist from selling liquor during the Sinhala and Tamil new year season. All liquor bars throughout the country will be closed for four days from April 12 - 15. The Excise Department will keep a tab on restaurants and liquor outlets to ensure strict compliance of the directive. (Sunday Nobserver) Crazylanka comments: Those who know the form know what to do. Most Sri Lankans stock up on liquor before the Poya day. If you can't find any liquor just go to a Police station! (Hic!) El Presidente of Sri Rajapakistan Writes Big Cheque for the uplifting of the Poor Peoples! We are a Queen! (Get a load of the ugly one on the right. There are better looking ladyboys in Thailand!) Rajapakse Is A Queen! Today there was widespread disbelief when a Rajapakse won a beauty contest in the Crazy Republic of Mahindastan (formerly Sri Lanka). Since the President came to power an unusual number of his Rajapakses have found jobs in high places. Thish is the latest. According to our corr. in Colombo the winner of this year's Miss Universe Lanka is Varuni RAJAPAKSE. In previous years there had been widespread grumbling by the Nationalistic Commie JVP Pol-Pots when a Portuguese girl by the name of Jacqueline Fernandez won the Miss Lanka competition. This year girls with foreign names were banned from the contest and only those with a letter of appointment from the President were allowed to take part......(Is that enough rubbish, Editor sir?....You are under arrest!: Police) An Apology Crazylanka has been informed that Miss Varuni Rajapakse is not related to the President of the Crazy Republic. (Good for her!) We offer her our sincere apologies and have paid an undisclosed sum of rupees by way of compensation. We offer her our best wishes for the future and hope to feature her on Crazylanka in the future..........Ed