The Daily Pol Thel. Sri Lanka's First Silly Publication apart from the Hansard! In the war against stupidity humour is the best weapon! Ne te confundant ignoramii!

Ne te confundant ignoramii! Now with added YouTube with Sri Lankan clips. A Crazylanka-McMalupaan Corporation Publication. Pol-Thel is Coconut Oil.....in Sinhalese. Now you know! You always wanted to know that didn't you?...The Daily Pol Thel. Sri Lanka's First Silly Publication apart from the Hansard. Apita Pissu! Ennakku Paiththiyam! Estamos locos! Contact us: crazylanka@hotmail.co.uk We are on Lonely Planet: "A cheerfully silly website with lots of parodies of current news events. There are lots of in-jokes but some amusing gems nonetheless."

VOL 8 NO 5 Election Ultra Humbug 22 nd January 2010

Man With Moustache Worships Swan! Has thish Man Got No Shame? Aiyo Why? Fredrika von Sunday Lieder (Panchikawatta, Sri Rajapakistan) Cruelty to birds, no? Today one of the two men with moustaches who are fighting to gain control of a small piece of land in the Indian Ocean after winning a small family dispute by using heavy weaponery and claiming to be the winners and then falling out between themselves and getting near to starting another civil war and..and...and.one of them is glorious Percy Askapajar the other is Sarath Gonseka with the other usual Pol-Pots, Buddhist Monk Politicians, remains of the LTTE, R M Siriyawathi of Pasyala, Kudu Ranjith etc playing small parts etc..etc... Aiyo! what is thish country coming to and there a lot of thugs roaming in the gloaming with machine guns and collecting the National Identity Cards of the poor peoples who have had....(Shut up!-Ed) only Kurrakan Roti whilst the men in moustache have Beluga Caviar, Champagne, Swan in Aspic..Swan? Has this man got no shame? It is one thing to bum lick potential voters...no problema con eso! That is considered normal behaviour eka for desperate politicians, but to stoop to the low level of bum licking a poor swan looks like utter desperation. Whilst we freely admit that thish is a modified photo job ekak, we are still shocked. (Can I laugh now, Editor Sir?) Can Swans Vote? Surely, swans cannot vote and if they could they would vote for the Swan symbol...sambol..? no...symbol! Neda? No? (How do you like my sub-liminal advertisement? Editor Sir?) ...and why are the SriLankan Airways air hostess birds (birds!) worshipping this mans backside... This practice of stooping to low levels and kissing airport tarmacs etc was started by the late Pope John Player Special Cigarettes..(Pope John Paul 2... Ed) What is thish country coming to etc...(Is that enough, Editor Sir?) Is this a Hansa Pootuwa? (Sorry Percy Massina! May the Best Swan Win!-Ed)

Sarath Gon Fonseka's Moustache Is Artificial SHOCK! more to follow.....

Stop Press: Rev. Narammpanawe Rathanajothi Thero arrested for fraud? Can you believe that? Joke no?

Now with added YouTube with Sri Lankan clips. Clips changed frequently. We pay $ for original Sri Lankan clips! Free! How to say "I AM CRAZY!" in 104 languages! A good way to open a conversation in a foreign country! CHECK IT OUT! COMING SOON!The Girlie Magazine from Crazylanka Web www.crazylanka.com

VOL 8 NO 4 Election Humbug 5th January 2010

Sri Lanka Man with Moustache Sends 20 million SMS (Text) messages in two milliseconds shock! Enters Guinness Book of Records by our corr. S.M.S. Rajapakksa (Telecom Regulatory Authority of Beliatta, Sri Rajapakistan) In a not so surprising move to bulldoze his way and intimate...er....I mean intimidate the populace of Sri Lanka, a man calling himself Percy "Genghis Khan" Rajapakksa Mugabe sent twenty two shillion SMS text messages to the peoples..er I mean, the people asking them...er..bullying them.. them to vote for him! Intimidating no?...especially when the message reads "Ado! Matta Vote Karapan!" Has thish man got no dignity?(hic!) Sri Lanka Man With Moustache Buys Cellphone (Mobile) Eka but knoweth not how to use it except send "Vote For Me!" messages! by Generalwansa Sarath Gonseka (ex Army) (Sorry Percy! but do keep in touch!-Ed) El Presidente is size 38D (In the interests of impartiality, we understand that Ex-General Sarath Gonseka actually wears a bra....Ed) President's Topless Pics Shock! Presidente suffers from Gynaecomastia? Has this man got no dignity? by our corr. Fredrika von Janszie Darling Sweetie (Marks & Spencers, Underwear Department) In the sheer desperation to bend over backwards to get voters, the illustrated...er....I mean the illustrious Presidente of Sri Rajapakistan, Ycrep Adniham "Ennadah" Rajapaksasingham, stooped to the low level of appearing naked...er...half-naked, in front of the camera in a Thosai Kadey!...er....A Tamil election office! He killed Tamils, no? ...(or was it the other guy Fonseka?) Whilst some people have called him a tit, we at Lanka Leadership would like to call him a Pair of Tits! This guy crazy no? Appearing in public without a bra? A Professor Expert Doctor Ruler of a Small University Writes by..buy..Professor Doctor Supreme Ruler of Bullshit Carlo Gonseka (MBBS, FRCS, MRCP, MRCOG, Dip. Woodwork,etc..etc..) I am Professor Carlos (The Jackal) Fonseka of the University of Punchi Borella. I am now well past my "Best Before" date. I am an expert on any subject. The condition is called Gynaecomastia. (That is a big word! Editor Sir...er..President Sir?) What happens is that the patient, who is a man, and usually well-fed with lots of money, develops breasts and needs to wear a bra! This of course is normal...er....for women. But this guy is a man and the Presidente of ...er Mauritius....Maldives...am I getting Senile Dementia? He needs a Mastectomy! I need a Frontal Lobotomy which is the part of the brain I am sitting on whilst writing thish piece....(Is that enough, Editor Sir of the British Medical Journal Eka?)

Crazylanka Sued! (Send donations!) Men with White Flags Attack Men with Guns Story! by Fredrika von Jansz (Hiding-in-Basement, Wearing Flakjacket, near Piliyandala) Today Giant Gothabaya Rajapakis, the left-hand...er right hand gun man of King Percy Dutugamunu Rajapakis ii of beliatta and his former left-hand gun man, Giant Sarath "Velusumana" Fonseka, both sued us! Can you believe that? Sarath "Velusumana" Gonseka ish now the sworn enemy of Percy Dutugamunu! Why both parties shue..er...sue us! At the shame..same time, no? This was to do with our crazy report that a group of terrorists who were carrying white flags, had been slaughtered by men with guns. What sort of a joke this? Surely, terrorists don't carry white flags and if all parties had carried white flags there would not have been any war and therefore no deaths, no? (unless they hit each other with flag poles! -Ed). Aiyo what is thish country coming to? We are just trying to muddy the waters like responsible media persons, and these guys are suing us no?...to be contained..er..continued...  Oh What A Glorioush Election! Mysterious Fall In Commode Prices Buy..er..by our corr. Fredrika von Jansz (Lanka Lieder Pakksa, Punchi Borella) The Country Needs Monthly Elections! Rice, Spice, Chicken Price! Today there was a mysterioush fall in commode prices...er...I mean commodity prices.. in The Glorioush Republic of Sri Rajapakistan in the run up to the eleckshun eka! The prices of the following items fell: Rice, spice, chicken price, (that rhymes well, no? Editor Sir?) coconuts, potatos, manioc, Big Onions, Small Onions, White Onions, Apple Soda, Laughing Gas, Electricity, Dahl, Masala vaddai, Rani Sandlewood Soap, Venivelgeta, Kothamalli, Nelli, Rath Handung, Polos, Police. (Polos or Police? -Ed) Jak Fruit, Kurrakkan, Manioc, Toilet Paper, MacMalupaan, Plaza tinned fish, Karavadu, Kottakellengu, Bus Fares, Rail Fares, Bank Interest Rates for borrowers. More Jobs! Salary Increases! More Trains! There was also a mysterious increase in: Jobs, salaries, trains, new trains, welfare handouts, machine guns, hand grenades, posters, cut-outs...(Thatsh enuff!-Ed) Rathnayaka Mudiyanselage Somawathi of Kandeketiya of the Mahiyangana District said: "Aiyo this is good! It is all because of the election eka! Why don't we have elections in this country every week so that prices will keep on falling? Mokada Kiyanne?" Economic Bullshit and Election Gimmicks Stock Market Will Fall If Rajapakksa Loses New War Will Start If Sarath Gonseka Wins Economist Dr Deshapremi Rajapakksa (B. Econ. Dambana) of the Centralised Rajapakksa Bank of Beliatta said "Hic! One has to accept the short term rises in the prices (That rhymes! no? Editor Sir?) in the future eka especially if we lose the election eka but this is going to be for the benefit of the Janathawa...what'sh the Engrishy word for Janathawa?...Populace? No? Yes? ...They, the Janathawa, need to vote for us..and stock up. The economy in..of.. Sri Rajapakistan depends in...on.. the Global Warming Capitalist Commie Pol-Pot Che Guevara American Dow Jones McDonalds Footsie Hang Shy or is it Shanghai..and my children need education in Britain or USA and can you bastards...Para Ballo... go away because I am getting tired of your Moda...Foolish questions and long live King Sarath Rajafonseka..er...I mean Mahinda Fonsekapakksa....Hic!....Bugger Off! or I will get the White Vans...er...I mean the Army Vans to collect you slimy..non-Government-controlled media .................arrrgh................"  A Tough Electoral Battle in Sri Something and my own personal battle to write bullshit about a country I know nothing about! By Irfan "Ceiling Fan" Husain, Wednesday, 06 Jan, 2010 Back in Sri Lanka after a hectic fortnight in Karachi, I was having breakfast in the verandah of the Galle Face Hotel eka in Colombo eating bacon, drinking Bucks Fizz and reading the local Daily Pol-Thel to catch up on news. This hotel was built in 1864, and has played host to many famous people,including myself,whose comments are inscribed on a large board. One of them was Zulfikar Ali Bhutto who stayed here briefly in the Sixties. I am a foreign correspondent and pretty full of my own importance amongst these stupid natives! My main live news source is my Taxi driver from the Airport...I had to tip him considerably for inside information....but I have to write something to my Editor Sir...sending copy, it is called....or else I get the sack and will have to go back to that communal cess pit known as Pakistan! Bora Bora? I haven't a bloody clue as to what ish (hic!) happening in this island..It seems to be an island as I can see the sea.. and I am pretty sure that I am in Mauritius...er Seychelles...er...Sri Rajapakistan....anyway I need to write some bullshit about this bloody election in Bora-Bora...er I mean Ceylon...er..Eeelam....Where the hell am I? Hic! Thish article has been plaigarised and mutilated by Crazylanka, from DAWN

Sarath Gon Fonseka's Moustache Is Artificial SHOCK! more to follow.....

Stop Press: Rev. Narammpanawe Rathanajothi Thero arrested for fraud? Can you believe that? Joke no?

Now with added YouTube with Sri Lankan clips. Clips changed frequently. We pay $ for original Sri Lankan clips! Free! How to say "I AM CRAZY!" in 104 languages! A good way to open a conversation in a foreign country! CHECK IT OUT! COMING SOON!The Girlie Magazine from Crazylanka

VOL 8 NO 3 Election Candidates 20th December 2009

WARNING: This site is NOT recommended by Mrs. RupaVahini Rajapakksa VOTE FOR CRAZYLANKA BY WRITING "CRAZYLANKA" ACROSS YOUR BALLOT PAPER Hasta La Victoria Siempre! by our corr Dr Ernesto "Tilwin" Guevara (deceased, Santa Cruz, Bolivia) !Hola! ?Como estas?This is a very simple way to protest no? If you are voting at the next election to pick the next clown to ruin....ruin?....er.. I mean run... the country, why not pick Crazylanka? We freely admit that we, at Crazylanka, are definitely a bunch of clowns and we have not done much in life except write a silly webpage. But, what have the other candidates done? (?no muy mucho, no? - Ed!) OK, they, the two main clowns, have won a war and a lot of foundation stones have been laid and a lot of public toilets have been opened ....but that is a lot of bullshit, no? Neda? It is all a silly game! Register your protest by writing..or rightng?..writing.. "Crazylanka" across your ballot paper. There is nothing legal to stop you doing that. My friend Dayananda Dissanayaka, the elekshun guy confirms that.(see pic below)

Stop Press: Chandrika Rises From The Dead! Dec 19 (DM) Former President Chandrika Kumaratunga is to address the election rallies of Opposition Common Candidate Gen. Sarath Fonseka early next month, UNP sources said yesterday. Hallelujah and Jesus Christ! Chandrika has done a Jesus Christ by rising from the dead. We at Crazylanka plc welcome you back girl! We can now recycle our old jokes!.......

Oh What A Glorioush Election! Crazylanka Elections: Bring On The Clowns! We reveal the candidates by our corr. Chandrakanthi Bandaranayake Kumaratunga(Horagolla) Today a large number of mostly clowns and crooks...er....candidates handed in their nominations for the forthcoming mega event, the Presidential Eleckshun. We reveal the candidates. Candidate Party Symbol Mahendra Percy Moustache Rajapakse Shiranthi's Husband Moustache Party Moustache Sarath Gonseka Moustache Sacked General Armypakksa Army Paksha Party Swan (roasted in orange sauce, served with fresh vegetables) Ven. Rev. Narampanawe Rathanajothi of Bulathwelkandura Bikkhu Party Bo Leaf Ultra Ven. Rev. Pusgollegama Gnanapakksa of Weywelhinna Other Bikkhu Party Two Bo Leaves Rev. Suramera Majjapama Dhattahana Veramani Sicca... Bottle Party Bottle of Soda (with added Arrack) Abdul Bul Bul Hameed (aka Potta Naufer) Baseline Road Party Thousand Rupee bank note Khavan M. Perera Gold Key Gold Key Deshawasi Jinadasa Pagamaruwa Bribery Party Back hand Ex-Army "Kudu" Ranjith Court Martial Thuggery Party Hand Grenade Veerappan Selliah Ennadah Kondu Vanga Masalavaddai Tea Plantation Party Cup of tea Velupillai Prabhakaran (deceased) Dead Party (formerly LTTE) Coffin Rohana Wijeweera Tilwin Somawansa Pol Pot Che Guevara JVP Machine Gun Little Samanthi of Kalubowila (8 years old) Birthday Party Birthday Cake Crazylanka Dot Com Punchi Borella Crazylanka Crazymap of SriLanka (That'sh Enough! Ed) So far there has been, disappointingly, very little election related violence and it is understood that this will be rectified very soon by the appointment of Dr. Mervyn Silva as Minister for Election Violence (Shurely Control of Election Violence, no?-Ed). It is also understood that the Armed Forces will be confined to their Barracks with Arrack to prevent a pre or post election coup ekak.

VOL 8 NO 2 No Jokes Rajapakksa 20th November 2009

Government probing alleged threats to Fonseka’s life The government is investigating claims that the life of former Chief of Defence Staff General Sarath Fonseka is under threat. Daily Mirror

Freedom of the Crazy Press! Crazylanka Is Back! President's Birthday Not Responsible for Floods In Colombo Severe Depression over Sri Lanka Not Connected With President's Birthday "Still the rain kept falling! Falling 'round my ears! And I wonder, still I wonder. Who'll stop the rain?" - John Fogerty of Creedence Clearwater Revival scroll down Hic! We are winning! According to Lanka Truth, "Kelaniya, the place venerated by Buddhists as the land where Lord Buddha treaded, boasts of 48 Buddhist Temples and 44 liquor shops and bars at a time ‘Mathata Thitha’ (Taboo intoxicants) concept is being implemented under ‘Mahinda Chinthanaya.’" (Thish is indeed good news! Jayaweva! Hic!-Ed) Crazy War of The Moustaches Erupts In Crazy Sri Rajapakistan! Rajapakksa vs Armypakksa! Moustache vs Moustache! May the Best Moustache Win! A Moustache to Moustache Fight Ekak! Why do Dictators always have moustaches? by our corr. Mrs Rupa Vahini (Crazylanka, Punchi Borella) General’s cooks withdrawn, Cremate The King! and the new "Ministry of No Funny Jokes" Sri Lanka now has 123 ministries! For once, the utterly boring, badly written and the as-attractive-as-fresh-cowdung-Sri Lankan site, The Lanka Truth, came up with two gems! The stories appear to be true. General’s cooks withdrawn Aiyo! Why Oh Why? Sad no? First we fight the LTTE. Now we fight overshelves! Ministry of No Funny Jokes The two cooks assigned to former Chief of Defence Staff Gen. Sarath Fonseka have been withdrawn by the government" We at Crazylanka say: This is rather sad but we do wonder why the Glorioush General needed two cooks in the first place! Shurely, he has only one mouth, no? In any case, hasn't he heard of "Buth Packets™"? or Malupaan™? or Kurrakkan Roti™? We at Crazylanka are happy to provide him with a life-time's supply of our famous product, McMalupaan™. A lifetime in the Crazy Republic can be very short especially if you upset King Fink Dutugamunu of Beliatta! Lanka Truth (These guys at Lanka Truth are getting funnier than Crazylanka: "Major changes in retribution concerning General" Get it? Major? General? Ha! Ha! Was it deliberate or was it by the mishtake? We'll do the jokes! You guys just report the truth! Ok?) "Govt. employee penalized for stating ‘Cremate the King’ – We may need a ministry to prohibit jokes – Ombudsman" The story here is about a Samurdhi Officer in Beliatta Divisional Secretarial Office, Mr. D. W. L. Disanayaka who has been punished for a joke he had made. King Dutugamunu ii of Beliatta was due to open a new crematorium in Beliatta. (Hasn't he got better things to do?-Ed) The aforementioned Mr. Dissanayake had rather unkindly suggested that the King should cremate himself in order to open the said crematorium. He, Mr Dissanayake, has now been sent on a "Punishment Transfer Eka" to Moneragala where he is probably very happy now. For Mr Dissanayake's information, it is not possible to cremate onself in a crematorium oven as the oven controls are not inside the oven! For this ignorance, we at Crazylanka think that he deserves to go to Moneragala! President's Birthday Not Responsible for Floods In Colombo Severe Depression over Sri Lanka Not Connected With President's Birthday "Still the rain kept falling! Falling 'round my ears! And I wonder, still I wonder. Who'll stop the rain?" - John Fogerty of Creedence Clearwater Revival Today, the prestidigitous Metrological Office of Sri Rajapakistan, decreed that the current heavy rainfall and the resultant flooding in Colombo, had nothing to do with the 100th birthday of King Dutugamunu ii of Beliatta. "What happened was that there was a General Depression over Sri Lanka due to current events in the country." said a Met Office spokesman Ranjith Dharanipatha. "Aiyo! Why get rid of General Sarath Fonseka? Thish caused the country to become gloomy! And thish Depression caused the rain. Have I been sacked yet?" The choice is yours! The differences between the rivals now revealed!! Sarath Gonseka's Resignation Letter "Whilst I was away overseas you moved my desk, hid my favourite tea mug with the emblem of the Sinha Regiment, hung a framed picture of Micky Mouse on my office wall and wrote "Ado! Army Boy!" with a felt-tipped pen on my office door. (MORE)

VOL 8 NO 1 Army vs Rajapaksa Issue 12th November 2009

Freedom of the Crazy Press! Crazylanka Is Back! After fighting and destroying the hated LTTE we are pleased to announce that we are back! After a long lapse, much of it spent fighting the LTTE single-handedly and also fighting with the wife, we are back! Contrary to popular rumour, Crazylanka was not abducted, taken in a white van and beaten up unlike what happened to a lot of other Sri Lankan journalists. Crazylanka Headquarters at Punchi Borella was not attacked by thugs. We are pleased to be back! We promise to update The Daily Pol-Thel regularly! Totally mentally-unbalanced reporting! No? But much better than State controlled media, no? Crazy War of The Moustaches Erupts In Crazy Sri Rajapakistan! Rajapakksa vs Armypakksa! Moustache vs Moustache! May the Best Moustache Win! A Moustache to Moustache Fight Ekak! Why do Dictators always have moustaches? by our corr. Mrs Rupa Vahini (Crazylanka, Punchi Borella) Today, a very very very undistinguished Army top brass called Sarath Armypakksa Gonseka set out to destroy the Glorioush regime of our beloved leader Mahinda Rajapakksa who single-handedly destroyed the LTTE. Aiyo! What qualifications has this army soldier boy got to challenge Lord God Mahinda?. Crazy no?. Sarath Armypakksa aka Sarath Fonseka Armypakksa Has moustache Has won the Civil War from Colombo Does not wear a maroon scarf Has laid two foundation stones and opened the Army Exhibition Has not kissed children except his own Has not acted in films Has not met The Pope Is on Facebook and has had a lot of friends...(The other guy has only one friend called Shiranthi on his Facebook) er...That'sh it Aiyo! Why Oh Why? Sad no? First we fight the LTTE. Now we fight overshelves! Rajapakksa Has better moustache without a single grey hair Has won the Civil War from Colombo Wears a maroon scarf even in his sleep Has laid 2582 foundation stones and opened Public Toilets in Hambantota Has kissed many children Has opened Dehiwela Bypass eka and the no.22/3 culvert on the Matugama Road. Has acted in many unmemorable films Has met The Pope, God, Sonia Gandhi, Tony Bliar, Adolf Hitler, Ho Chi Min, Mohandas Gandhi, Ronald McDonald, er...Thats'h it Percy Rajapakksa aka Mahinda Rajapaksa For example eka: Glorioush Rajapakksa has opened the Dehiwela Bypass eka, opened a row of public toilets in Hambantota and laid thousands of foundation stones every where in thish country! Sarath Fonseka has only laid two foundation stones only! Ha! Ha! Ha! Who Gave Him The Job? And who gave thish Army boy the job? Glorioush Rajapakksa no? Listen Army Boy! If you know what is good for you, you will stay inside your filthy barracks and not come out or we will beat you up (Is that enough Editor Sir, to stop getting beaten up overselves?)(Shut up and keep on writing!-Ed) (to be continued) The choice is yours! The differences between the rivals now revealed!! Sarath Gonseka's Resignation Letter "Whilst I was away overseas you moved my desk, hid my favourite tea mug with the emblem of the Sinha Regiment, hung a framed picture of Micky Mouse on my office wall and wrote "Ado! Army Boy!" with a felt-tipped pen on my office door. (MORE)