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| VOL2 NO3 | The Daily Pol-thel transgender special | ||||||||||||||||||||
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Wedding photos of
Chandrapala and Ranilkumari Madame Antonia Balasingham likes pink knickers! "Women army offishers wear trousers!" claim! OUR TEAM *Fredrick Jansz *Norma Paliyawadahana *Mrs Anulawathi Lokuhapuarachchi *Dr(Mrs)Gayani Fernando *Ms Vinodhini Moonesinghe *Ms Ranalini Bible-ay! Cartoons by Kumari of Singapore *Er!..thatsh it! |
PM IS A MAN SHOCK! | ||||||||||||||||||||
| The tropical island paradise of Sri Lanka was
thrown into turmoil today when doctors discovered that the Pry Minister
Ranilkumari was actually a man! from our corr in pink underwear, Colombo (SCN 14-1-2003) The PM was travelling in a pink Benz car dressed in a sari, with lipstick, knickers, padded bra, fishnet stockings and (That's enough feminine stuff! - Ed) when he had a minor accident and was rushed to the National Hospital. Doctors were shocked when they discovered that "she" was actually a man contrary to popular rumour spread by the PA that the PM was a woman! Balls! A spokesthing for the PA however still insisted that the only real man in government was President Chandrapala and that Ranilkumari must be a woman to hand over half the country to Veerappan of Eelam. They insisted that Chandrapala has balls and regularly plays cricket. Political observers and Armchair Generals at the Mount Lavinia Hotel said that this spelt the end of cohabitation as two men can't cohabit. The two had in fact lived together for one year after registering their marriage as a man and a woman after the election. (see our archival picture) The Mahanayaka Thero of the Hunnasgiriya chapter Ven Rev Narampanawe Rathanajothi said that that sort of cohabitation was against Buddhist principles and the Archbish of Kotahena Rev Nicola "Nickers" Palliyawatte said that the Bible specifically banned such relationships.
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| VOL2 NO2 | The Daily Pol-thel Special Reserve: The War In Araq! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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MAJOR
STORIES Mail A Friend RICIN FOUND IN ARRAQ! Scroll down for latest Sri Lanka Has Weapons Of Mass
Destruction - UN At a hushed session of the UN today an ashen-faced UN
weapons inspector said that the Sri Lankan dictator Saddam
Wickremesinghe.. World Arrack Prices Rise! With an attack on Arraq imminent world Arrack prices rose drammatically last night! "This is good for Britain" said Tony Blair... Poya Day might hamper war! In Keeping with Arraqui tradition the country comes to a standstill on Al-Poya day. The Americans are planning to attack on Poya Day. Queues form outside liquor outlets on day before Poya! Arraquis were stocking up on essentials.. POPE CONDEMNS ATTACK ON ARRACK! The Pope, Joan Pole the deka today said: "In nomini Patri, Filii et Spiritus Sanctus..." (Get the bit about Spirits?! HA!) JP the II is 128 years old! |
"Saddam Ranil is the son of Belial (whatever that means!) Don't let anyone get this wrong! We are not against the people. We are are the worlds' foremost producers of a non-alcoholic drink called Al-Quoca Quola. It is is true that we produce an alcoholic version Al-Budweiser (0.009%w/v Alc). But we don't want these dangeroush natives producing stronger Al-cohol than we can! Mark my words! We will destroy all distilleries...Even now our inspectors of the UN are seeking out these nasty weapons but most are overcome by what they find and can only say "HIC!"
Meanwhile Saddam Ranil of the tiny Coconut oil-rich-beleagured Republic of Al-Srilanka said "It is bad enough having to fight a war with a woman called Chandrani Gin'n'Tonic and a silly bugger called Veerappan Palmyrah Toddy. We can do without this harassment from George Washington. We are a Buddhist Country and no one drinks Al-Cohol! Every morning we pray towards Mecca and say "Sura Meraya Majja Pama Dhattana Allah al Akkhbaaarrrrrr!" It is the Christians who drink Al-Cohol. They drink wine at mass and sing "Holy God! We Drink To Thy Name!""
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| VOL2 NO1 | The Daily Pol-thel Special NEW YEAR 2003 Cloned Issue Issue Issue Issue...aaaahhh! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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MAJOR
STORIES Mail A Friend Sri Lanka Has Weapons Of Mass
Destruction - UN At a hushed session of the UN today an ashen-faced UN
weapons inspector said that the Sri Lankan dictator Saddam
Wickremesinghe.. MORE CLONES!
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JVP CLONE CHÉ GUEVARA! By our correspondent Marx Thrastavadisinghe (SCN 30-12-2002)
Reports emerging from the JVP headquarters indicated that the JVP had succeeded in cloning Ernesto "Ché" Guevara, the long dead Cuban revolutionary. The JVP leader Tilwin Winagain admitted that after being abducted by aliens and offered generous amounts of Arrack and a massage by alien females, doctors at the Laxapathi Private Hospital had extracted the DNA from one of Ché Guevara's bones and had injected it into a hen's egg. The whole delicate procedure had been carried out in total secrecy and using sophisticated instruments consisting of a Pyrex bowl and a fork. The Mahanayaka Thero of the Hunnasgiriya Chapter the Ven. Rev. Narampanawe Rathanjothi condemned cloning saying that such interference with nature would be disastrous for Buddhism and the Sinhala race if it got into LTTE hands. The PA said they plan to clone el Presidente before the UNP cloned Ranil. At present there are no plans to clone Carlo Fonseka.
[ColomboPage News Desk, Sri Lanka] Jan 02, Colombo: The children’s film “Arumosam Vehi” (Monsoon Rains) has been withdrawn from screening by its director Priyantha Fernando in the face of stiff (stiff! STIFF! Get it? - Ed) opposition from what he described as the “sex film mafia”. The film, screened from 20 December at cinemas owned by the National Film Corporation, had reportedly irked certain powerful figures responsible for bringing in films with sex themes.
Forces casualty: mere two (Colombo-29-12-2002) Over six hundred deaths of security forces personnel was reported in the North and East in the year 2001 and the rate has trickled down to a mere two in this year after the commencement of the peace process. Military spokesman Brigadier Sanath Karunaratne said that two deaths of Army soldiers have been reported from Muhamalai in the north and in Batticaloa. No deaths have been reported in the Air Force and Navy after signing the MoU which is remarkable. Meanwhile Veerappan of the LTTE said that their casualty figures were the same. An LTTE sargeant named only as Sanniyan is said to have had too much palmyrah toddy and fallen into a well. Another unnamed member had had too much toddy but had died without falling into a well. |
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| VOL1 NO4 | The Daily Pol-thel | |||
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MAJOR
STORIES Mail A Friend |
UDURAWANA WANTS RADIO! Why radio license for LTTE, not for Dalada Maligawa? – Diyawadana "Water Carrier" Nilame [ColomboPage News Desk, Sri Lanka (with apologies)] Dec. 25, Colombo: Diyawadana Nilame Neranjan "Udurawana Joke" Wijeratne has complained to the Opposition Leader Mahinda Rajapakse that the Minister of Media had issued a telecasting license to the LTTE while it had earlier declined to issue such a license to the Dalada Maligawa (Dalada FM). The Diyawadana Nilame requested the Opposition Leader to take up this matter in Parliament. Meanwhile the ArchBish of Grandpass The Rev St Nicholas Good King Wenceslaus Pallinayaka appealed to El Presidente for a Satellite Broadcasting Station (Jesus Christ! FM). Since God is in control of the Christians it was not clear to the Licensing Authority what the fuss was about. Meanwhile Mullah Al Shabdhi of Baseline Road said "We are tired of having to climb up minerets and shout Allah! Uh! Akbarrrrrrrrr!. We want a radio station as well and on the same frequency as the Christians! We might call it ALLAH FM if we can't think of a better name" They all lived happily everafter! The UNF government granted approval two months ago to the LTTE to clear six tons of technical equipment to set up a modern radio station for the organization. The Indian government has criticized setting up of a government-sponsored radio station for the Tamil Tiger rebels in Wanni. CID seeks FBI help to trace former PM re condom fraud. "Rat" sighted with Elvis Presley in Nevada shopping centre! By our corr. Halley Arrakkusekara Dec 21, Colombo: The Criminal Investigation Department (CID), probing the alleged massive fraud at the Sri Lanka Condom Manufacturing and Export Corporation, has sought the help of the Federal Bureau of Investigations (FBI) to trace former Premier Ratnasiri "Rat" Wickremanayake in order to record his statement. The special CID team has failed to contact Mr. Wickremanayake, although they have visited his home several times and were well treated. His family is unaware of his whereabouts but organised several bottles of Arrack for the CID. The FBI has however had reports of The Rat wandering around in a supermarket in Nevada with Elvis Presley. The CID has said it wants to question the former Premier, who was in charge of the corporation during the last regime. Investigations have revealed that Rs. 900.34 million had been released by the Treasury to the corporation but the money has not been accounted for. Three persons including the corporation’s cleaner Sarath Wickremasinghe have already been remanded.
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| VOL1 NO3 | The Daily Pol-thel | |||||||
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MAJOR
STORIES Mail A Friend Swedish Massage Parlour Talks! Mullah Forced To Return Man breast feeds baby! Shock! Exclusive pics! LATEST! Tamils granted homeland in West Bank! Palastinians may invest heavily in Vanni |
(An SCN exclusive report - 19-12-2002) At a hushed session of the UN today an ashen-faced UN weapons inspector said that the Sri Lankan dictator Saddam Wickremesinghe...  Formal re-recording of National Anthem to be undertaken by Nadira Munira Maria Gunatillekanayagam A formal re-recording of the National Anthem, Sri Lanka Matha is to be undertaken with a view to review its dignity, in readiness for the 2003 Independence celebration. In view of the rapidly changing attitudes in SriLanka for the first time there will be Tamil and English versions of the anthem in addition to the Sinhala version. Mullah Al Haj Shabdi Mohammed Ali of Allied SriLanka Gem Mining Corp will be launching a working party to look into the possibility of an Arabic version. Until such time that an Arabic version is available Muslims may sing the Tamil version of the anthem but may omit the verse which glorifys Veerappan Prabhakaran. The Catholic version has already been launched by the Bishop of Kotahena the Rev John Paul Mariyanayaka and contains several references to the Virgin Mary. A request by the JVP to include a verse glorifying either Ernesto "Che Guevera or Kim Il Sung was rejected on the grounds that both were non-Srilankans. A proposal to include the names of prominent SriLankans like Arthur C Clarke and the late Dr. Carlo Marx Fonseka is under consideration. The chorus will be led by Pandit Dr. W. D. Amaradeva and Visharada Nanda Malini and with music provided by Rohana Weerasinghe. The concept is a proposal by Bandula Padmakumara, the Director Editorial, ANCL, the premier sponsor of the project with the support of the Ananda Samarakoon Foundation. All Srilankans lived happily everafter. No corruption among Lankan cops By WPC Shakunthala Perera and HQI Munza Muscat of Punchi Borella Police 18-12-2002 The Sri Lankan police are considered by most people to be the most decent of all public sector institutions in the country, with politicians being identified as being the most relegious persons, according to a report issued yesterday after a public opinion poll conducted by a well-known international body. The local unit of Transparency International in a survey report announced at a news conference held at the Accident Service of the Colombo General Hospital said 39.2 percent of people interviewed did not name the police as the most corrupt. Transparency International local chief J. C. Weliamuna who was on crutches and 10mg Morphine i.m. said their original aim was to form a coalition against corruption and push for reforms in the system but after the severe injuries that he and his members sustained tripping up on the doorstep of the Police HQ.... AAAAGHHH!.......
(18-12-2002) Former Minister Anuruddha Ratwatte's son Mahen has apologized to The Daily Pol-Thel for the alleged assault on our reporter Cecil Beemaratne at a Hilton Hotel toilet after a dinner dance last Saturday, a lawyer said. Ratwatte lawyer Anil Obeysekera told the Gas Works Street Magistrate that Mahen accompanied by his father, lawyers and a mutual friend had gone to Beemaratne's residence to say sorry. Pitakotuwa Police Inspector Jayasiri Pagaratne to whom the reporter had made the complaint of assault on Saturday, told Court, Mr. Beemaratne had telephoned him and said the matter was amicably settled. He assured that "No money changed hands between the parties concerned but I might be wearing a smug grin on the way to the bank later!" In accordance with this Magistrate Priyantha Fernando released Mahen Ratwatte on cash bail and fixed the case for January 31. After the Arrack Traders' Association dinner dance, our reporter complained he was assaulted by a person identified as Mahen Ratwatte apparently because he wrote a web page referring to the Ratwatte family being flown to courts in a helicopter. Australia washed Lankan cricketers' underpants free AFP[ WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2002 02:07:33 PM ] COLOMBO: Australian officials washed the underpants of Sri Lankan cricket players when they arrived in the country for a tri-nation tournament, the Australian High Commission here said. The whole business was a publicity stunt by the SriLankan soap manufacturer Malini Sandalwood Soap of Armour Street, he added. |
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| VOL1 NO2 | The Daily Pol-thel | |
| MAJOR
STORIES Mail A Friend Swedish Massage Parlour Talks! Mullah Forced To Return Man breast feeds baby! Shock! Exclusive pics! LATEST! Tamils granted homeland in West Bank! Palastinians may invest heavily in Vanni |
(By our corr Ariyadasage Saramaireela, Colombo, 15-12-2002) An organisation calling itself the SS are preparing to hold a Carol service in Colombo. A spokesperson for the Israeli attache, Menahim Mohideen Begin condemned this as an atrocity which brought back memories of the Nazi Holocaust when Nazi SS troopers sang songs like "Stille Nacht" and "Lili Malini" whilst roasting Jews on a spit. The SS in response said that they were the Symphony Orchestra of SriLanka and had a choice of calling themselves SOS or the SS. " We never addressed anyone as Scweinehund and we never shouted "ACHTUNG! Tommy, for you zis war is over!" That sort of thing only happened in WAR PICTURE LIBRARY comics. The song STILLE NACHT is actually SILENT NIGHT!" Ven Rev Narampanawe Rathanajothi of the Hunnasgiriya chapter said that such "carolling" was alien to our culture. Following the intervention of our Glorious Leader (Long May He Rain) Ranil Churchill Montgomery Patton Wickremesingho it has been decided to sing the Carols in Pali in a Hindu Temple whilst facing Mecca! This is to be followed by the traditional stone throwing. George W has sent his apologies as he is going to be busy elsewhere. Lankans slam airport officials for not providing Persil Automatic. Groin Itch hits again! From correspondents in Colombo 14dec02 AUSTRALIAN authorities "harassed and humiliated" Sri Lanka's national cricket team when they arrived in the northern city of Brisbane, a state-run newspaper said today. The Daily News said the Sri Lankan team was detained for two and a half hours at Brisbane airport on Wednesday while authorities went through their bags and demanded they wash their shoes and underwear before entering the country. Later a spokesman for the airport did not say that this was because "The Sri Lankan players always scratch their groins during matches. We thought that they were carrying the nasty disease Groin Itch". A Groin Specialist Doctor writes: Groin itch, also known as Jock Itch is a non fatal condition. It mostly affects men who wear underpants or Jocks. Wear the sarong which is much healthier. Please consult me. Sri Lanka 's top opposition party demands Tamil rebels surrender arms. Tigers comply! DisAssociated Press, Fri December 13, 2002 08:04 EST . KRISHAN FRANCIS - DisAssociated Press Writer - COLOMBO, Sri Lanka - (dAP) Sri Lanka's main opposition party Friday demanded Tamil Tiger rebels surrender their weapons as part of the island nation's peace negotiations to end 19 years of civil war. Sri Lanka's civil war erupted in 1983 and has killed at least 65,000 people. The Tigers surrendered two catapults, 10 water pistols and a battery powered plastic gun (made in Taiwan) which goes "Exterminate! Exterminate!" and flashes a red LED. (Note: We have a supply of these guns priced at $9.99. Order before Christmas or before Gulf War ll) Hippies Back In Srilanka: UB 40 sing Baila! A bunch of bearded weirdos and a non bearded weirdo are making a lot of noise in Parliament singing songs like " Give Peace A Chance", "Velu Is A Jolly Good Felu", "Thambi Kade" etc......PIC LINK PM intervenes: Paramedics strike may be called off By Damitha Hemachandra (13-12-2002) The crippling two week strike by radiographers, pharmacists and other paramedical personnel is likely to be called off today after Pry Minister Ranil "Rambo" Wickremesinghe intervened yesterday with a Glock automatic and an AK47 machine gun that he had previously used to threaten Chandrani Kumarihami in an effort to settle the dispute. After talks with paramedics, nurses and others whilst holding this armoury in Rambo fashion it was decided to appoint a five-member parliamentary sub committee to look into the salary anomalies in the health sector and another committee to recommend a solution to the current salary dispute. Government takes actions to prevent violence in the universities [ColomboPage News Desk, Sri Lanka (with apologies!)] December 12, Kandy: The government is preparing to take actions to control and prevent violence in the universities. The vice chancellors and university officials presented a number of proposals to Minister Kabir Hashim at the Peradeniya University recently. These included proposals for forcible castration of repeat offenders, routine use of handcuffs during lectures, bullet-proof jackets for the vice chancellor and marshals and the possibility of moving the students to Bogambara Prison and the prison inmates to Hantana Campus. The Minister said that the committee chaired by additional secretary M.A. Chandrapala was instructed to consider the proposals and to forward a report within 10 days. Mr Chandrapala was not attacked by university students. |
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Lanka PM ducks president's assassination charge Wednesday, 11-Dec-2002 4:00AM (not AFP) - Sri Lankan Pry Minister Ranil Sri Wickremerajasinghe Wednesday brushed aside the latest charge by his arch-rival President Chandrakanthi Kumaralatha that he tried to assassinate her. His office said he was not going to get involved in a public slanging match with El Presidente, who has accused the premier of carrying a machine gun, hand grenades and a Bhumi-Thel® FlameThrower and threatening to kill her in Rambo fashion. "The Pry Minister does not see any need to waste his time reacting to these wild allegations," an inebriated spokesman for his office said. "If we respond to every wild allegation, we won't have time for anything else. The Pry Minister is an utterly silly looking wimp with absolutely no resemblance to Arnold Scwazenneggperson, totally incapable of carrying an empty coconut shell let alone a Bhumi-Thel® Flame throwing device. The Pry Minister has never met Ms. Monica Lewinsky and has no intention of having a relationship with her, co-habiting with her or frying her with his newly acquired flame thrower which he does not carry" |
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LEFT: A Glock 17, the type of
gun that the Pry Minister was not carrying.