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VOL 2 NO 7
INDEPENDENCE DAY?
  55 years of glory!?
The cricket was allright but what about the rest of it?
by our corr. not-in-a-sarong,
Deshapremi Kalisamsekara
Today the Glorious Peoples' Regime of Colombo Celebrates 55 Years of independence from the oppressive, right-wing, afternoon-tea, "I-Say-Old-Chap" and "Oh! Dearie-Me! I am begging Your Pardon!".... (Thatsh enough anti-British sentiment- Ed) but now we are struggling with the non-British, non-right wing
(Cut that! -Ed)
The country is now under the Glorious Rule of Chandrapala Pol-Pot Wickremesinghe who has well developed the country so that we are now having and getting.....cheap gas prices? Good railway? Good bus?
Is it about time to destroy Parliament with Atomic type weapons if we can get them? We already robbed the Honk Konk and Peking bank at Boralessgamuwa...Jayaweva!
What will it be like in another few years?
temple trees Left: The Presidential Palace bursts into flame with a little bit of help from LaufGas 
Right: Atomic explosion or is it just a gas cylinder exploding over Vanni?
clouds over Vanni
Eeelam warships Left: Spacewarships of Eelam appear over Victoria Park, Colombo ( now known as Vihara Maha Chandrika Park)
Right: People's Bank collapses..
pramuka bank
 ranil with black guy
Mustachio Mahinda of the PA and Ranil look flabber..er lost for words..  
MORE NEWS
Parliament Robs Bank
Daylight armed robbery at Pelawatte Bank nets millions
by Ranil Wijayapala

An armed gang yesterday robbed 5.6 million rupees from the Pelawatte branch of the Hongkong and Shanghai Banking Corporation (HSBC) which is situated just several hundred meters from the heavily guarded Parliament.
Inspector General of Police T. E. Anandarajah didn't say today that "Most bank robberies are the work of Parliamentarians. They have consistently robbed the country of everything"
Vanni Spoilsports Won't Join Freedom Bash
by Ponniah Vanniratnam of The Daily Thala-Thel


Spoilsport Eelamese wont be joining the Independence day celebrations as they are yet to get independence from the cruel regime of the despot Veerappan.

 Military Brass Salute Bit Of Fluff! SHOCK!
bit of fluff Top military brass today saluted a pouting, gorgeous, busty... (Thatsh enough! - Ed) female person of the opposite sex...
MORE
Heil Chandrapala!
Top Military Brass Salute A Bit Of Fluff!
"Her star(sic) must be good and she has a picture of a life time showing service chiefs saluting her".

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UN Inspectors Search Garment Factory!
Garment Kello Taken Away!
(Rotters 4-3-2003)
Today UN Inspectors searched a garment factory in the Republic of Arraq....
VOL 2 NO 6
Katunayaka Drops Trousers!
Airport in Dropped Trousers Drama!
by our SCN Corr. Norma "Airbus" McDonnell-Douglas Pallihawadana
Today a very very very very very very important Airport closely related to another very very very ...(Thatsh enough very very! - Ed)...important female person wearing a blue sari whose father happened to be an airport in the Glorious Peoples' Republic of Sri Lanka until he was assassinated dropped his trousers whilst getting off an aircraft whilst singing the National Anthem "Me rate inna Minissu kelinne pissu".


The person is believed to be from Horagolla and called Anura Katunayaka and his sister is said to be one Mrs Chandrapala Kumarihamy.
Police are not charging the Airport with any offences.
Mrs. Mable Finsbury-Park (former Sri Lankan beauty queen) who was returning from London and was on the aircraft said "It was disgusting! One minute we were getting ready to disembark and the next minute we were exposed to all this disgusting flesh! This Airport should be banned!"
In view of all this bad publicity the Airport is to be re-named as

Pry Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe Airport
 MORE NEWS
Achtung Balasingham! Ve haf vays of making yu tork!
   Sri Lanka talks switch to Germany BBC South Asia, Friday, 24 January, 2003, 14:35 GMT.
Sri Lanka's next round of peace talks will be moved from Thailand to Germany amid concern for the poor health of the Tamil Tigers' chief negotiator, Anton Balasingham.
Jackbooted armed soldiers will be present to ensure that Pieris and Balasingham do actually engage in talks and not spend time in a luxury hotel running up a drinks bill...


Our reporter Phil Space has not yet sent in his copy..
FROZEN CHINESE TAKEAWAY!
Serious Shortage Of Cats Reported!
Casino row leads to brutal killing
(Lanka Page, with apologies)
The Peradeniya police have arrested five Chinese nationals including three women and two locals over the killing of Ling Hung Drawn And Quartered(30) at the Dehiwela Longfield Restaurant on Thursday night.
The victim had been hacked to death and his body which had been frozen for a day in a deep freezer, had been allegedly transported to Peradeniya in a gunny bag for dumping at Bamunugama by two Chinese who were caught by villagers and handed over to the police. The three Chinese women were arrested later at a restaurant in Kandy.
Police were asking people who have had meals at this restaurant to come forward....Neighbours reported several cats missing...See our recipe page for disgusting food facts

Thousands of commuters stranded by a sudden rail strike last afternoon, wait expectantly for train services to begin at the Fort Railway Station. Picture by Sumanachandra Ariyawansa

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CRAZY PICS
Left: Large crowds gather to see an "Exhibition Train"


Right: Idiot Minister employs skeleton staff to break rail strike.

23rd Jan 2003

Economic Reforms and Science and Technology Minister Milinda Moragoda smiles after looking at a skeleton in the mobile science exhibition organised by the Ministry of Science and Technlology and the Railway Department. The exhibition is inside a railway carriage and travels around the country to educate school children. (Pic. By Nihal Chandrakumara)
VOL 2 NO 5 The Daily Pol-thel Paediatric special
TOURISTS RETURN TO LANKA!
The benefits of tourism: More beach boys on beaches
 DUMB BRITAIN:
Paediatrician mistaken for paedophile
A paediatrician at a south Wales hospital has been forced out of her home by vandals who thought her job title meant the same as "paedophile". South African-born Yvette Cloete woke up at her home in Newport to find the term "paedo" spray painted all over her walls.
The specialist registrar at the Royal Gwent Hospital is now in hiding at a friend's house and claims she will never go back to her own, saying: "I have moved out of the area. I no longer feel safe." Gwent Police are putting the attack down to the "extraordinary ignorance" of the people who did it. A spokesman told Ananova: "The doctor herself is very distressed by the whole incident and would rather it all just went away." He appealed for anyone with information about the vandals to come forward. (Ananova 29th August 2000)
Gary Glitter is in Colombo-dia
PAEDIATRICIAN GLITTER HUNTED BY CORRUPT COPS
Convicted child sex offender Gary Glitter is being hunted by authorities in Colombo-dia (formerly Kampuchea) after returning to the country. The shamed singer sparked a storm of controversy earlier this year by taking refuge in the south-east Asian country, a haven for child sex offenders. Glitter, convicted of child pornography offences and labeled a Paediatrician in 1999, left after politicians launched a campaign to kick him out.
But Glitter - whose real name is Paul Francis Gadd (Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!- Ed) - turned up a week ago in the capital, where he has been staying as a tourist at an unidentified guest house.
More about Glitter
An investigative reporter working for the Daily Pol-thel found child abuse of the Paediatric kind rampant in the Sri Lankan capital.

"Rampant is not a word that we would normally use" said a Government spokesminister "because of its s*xual connotations.... or is it connundrums?"
A spokesboy for the Archbish of Colombo-dia refused to comment about Paediatric Catholic priests in America and the Ven Rev Narammpanawe Ratanajothi said " Anney! Api dhanne ne! Apita Ahune Ne!"

"Allah! Help us! We never indulged in Paediatrics!" said Mullah Al Shabdhi of Baseline Road.
Meanwhile in the newly created Republic of Eelamistan, President Veerappan said that no child soldiers have been subjected to ******* (censored)....

BOYS TO BE BANNED FROM COLOMBO BEACHES!
john pole
King Herod only killed them.
The Catholic Church in America is facing serious problems because of paediatric priests.
April 23, 2002, 3:15pm EDT
POPE STRONGLY CONDEMNS PRIEST CHILD ABUSE
In an unprecedented emergency meeting with American Catholic leaders, Pope John Paul II (left) on Tuesday said there is no place for the sin and crime of paediatrics in the church, adding that the priesthood is no place "for those that would harm the young."
Meanwhile according to the "The Times" (of London, 10-1-2003), Glitter (right) managed to bypass irritating immigration formalities by the simple process of staying in-transit (sic-ko transit gloria mundi?) at Bangkok and Ho Chi Minh City and eventually passed through Colombo-dia by the simple process of covering his passport with a ten dollar note.(SCN) Paul Gadd
Matthew Kelly British TV presenter Matthew Kelly-Sellam's luxury house sealed
amidst shocking disclosures
By Senaka De Silva
Officers of the National Child Protection Authority have raided and sealed the house of British television presenter Matthew Kelli ("Sellam"), for alleged involvement in child abuse. NCPA chief Harendra de Silva said they seized 54 videos and a computer from the multi-million rupee luxury apartment at Pamunugama. He said the raid was carried out on information received from journalists that Mr. Mathew who was on police bail in London for child abuse, had a hideout in Sri Lanka.
Left: Kelli-Sellam with a moustachioed young boy

Princeton prof. says 'No' to Sri Lanka child monks
Kyodo News COLOMBO -- A campaign by Sri Lanka's prime minister to recruit 2,000 children into Buddhist monastic orders to cope with a shortage of monks has met criticism from a scholar who says child ordination is against Buddhist doctrine. Gananath Obeyesekere, an anthropology professor at Princeton University, says the campaign targets children as young as 5 years even though Theravada Buddhism doctrine states that a boy must be at least 15 years of age to become a monk. Sri Lanka's project to mass-recruit children into Buddhist orders disregards these considerations, says Obeyesekere, himself a Sri Lankan Buddhist.
But one major reason Obeyesekere opposes child recruitment is that the very young are vulnerable to sexual abuse, which he says is ''notoriously associated'' with all forms of institutionalized monasticism.
The possibility of child abuse in Buddhist monasteries ''must be faced honestly and squarely,'' he stressed. Unlike adult monks, children have little chance of resisting sexual advances, the professor added. ''Even the presence of guardians, or sponsors is not protection. How does the guardian inquire into such possibilities when the mere talk of homoerotic practices is taboo?,'' Obeyesekere asked.
He also asked why those promoting the campaign have not set an example by being ordained themselves or having their own children or grandchildren ordained.
Original article more
VOL 2 NO4 The Daily-Grovel: Apologies special.
 Guy with oily hair and silly moustache gets apology from DAILY POL-THEL
Lakmina sacks Crazylanka 'fiction writer' [ColomboPage News Desk (with apologies, chaps!), Sri Lanka] Jan 15, Colombo:
The controversial weekend tabloid The Daily Bhoomi-Thel has sacked its main political writer and chief editor, Gyan MadPage Crazylanka Antony Warnakulasuriya Patabendi Muhandiramge Sri Wickrema Rajasinghege descendant of, from his post with immediate effect.
The management of the paper says that his news report on an alleged plot by party seniors including Opposition Leader Moustache "Polthel" Api SLFP! Rajapakse to kill President Chandrapala Bandaranayake Solomon West Ridgeway Dias Kumaratunga was incorrect and baseless.
"We started an internal investigation under threat and it is very clear that this report was a fiction by (sic) our main political writer:
Keerthi " MadPage" Warnakulasooriya, alias Mohamad "Al Shabdhi" Nisham, alias Keerthi Champaka, alias Ponniah "Thalathel" Ratnasingham, alias Arthur C. Bank Clark, alias Rev. Carlo Fonsekaratneof the Rationalist Church, alias Fredrick Jansz of Bulto, alias Ratnayaka Mudiyanselage "Aiyo" Sirisena (Thatsh enough aliashes - Ed)"
a company spokesperson told the STATE CONTROLLED MEDIA.

Earlier, the main opposition People's Alliance had decided to request a parliamentary debate on the investigation into the alleged plot to assassinate President Chandrapala. The SLFP, the main constituent party of the opposition People's Alliance, has been rocked by an internal crisis with a section of the party headed by former Minister Mangala Punchi Borelle Bo Gaha yata "ars*hole" Nice Guy Tom Cruise Samaraweera allegedly trying to embrace (Shouldn't that be embarrass? - ED) senior leaders by making indirect claims that some of them were plotting to assassinate the President Chandrapala Sirimavo Bandaranayake Solomon West Ridgeway Dias Kumaratunga.
Earlier, Opposition Leader Mahinda "Also Ran" Moustache "Polthel" Rajapassa Rajapakse called for an inquiry into the news report, prompting the Criminal Investigation Department (CID) to drop everything else and begin an investigation into the alleged threat to the President's life. Meanwhile a number of murders were comitted in the country with utter sadness too gruesome to belive and aiyo! if you had seen the dead body with the head cut off and how may he be suffering if in fact according to bystanding people he was not already finished! (Cut the melodramatics! - Ed) The CID has begun probing reports by recording Mr. Rajapakse's statement on Kompact disk eka and casset.. cassette.
"This was a goma-slinging campaign against me and other senior party loyalists," Mr. Rajapakse told ColomboPage.
It is learnt that the controversial report was based on an anonymous telephone call to political writer Keerthi Madpage Crazylanka Mc Malupaan Corporation of Punchi Borella.
"But now we understood that this report was baseless and we are ready to apologise to the Opposition Leader," the company spokesperson added. "In fact we are so apologetic we are quite prepared to apologise to anybody man woman vegetable geological material landmine cow dung dead fish goat droppings mixed with goat urine dryfish unfit for human consumption cans of Coca Cola past the best before date politicians past the best before date empty bottles of Arrack....(Thatsh enough grovelling! - Ed) if they care to send an e-mail to our offis ...stop hitting me!....aaaaaagh!
ranil's headache CRAZY PIC OF THE WEEK
Ranil the Pry Minister Attributed his constant headache To pressure of work without realising that he
had a javelin through his head!

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