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VOL 2 NO 13
STOP PRESS: CLICK HERE FOR OUR AVURUDU KUMARI PIC!
Sinhalese New Year Abolished!

Today the Garment of the Glorious Dictatorius Helga Ranillssson Wickremasingasson abolished the Glorious Sinhalese Knew Year and instead called it the Glorious National Knew Year!
In keeping with Asian tradishon we in the Glorious Republic Of Ranilklssson always celebrated the New Ear on a day that was not in keeping with the Gregorian Calender...Colander? Thish..this..hic.. Glorious tradition has now been very very slightly been changed and we now call it the Nashional New Year which includes the Glorious Sinhala people as well as the Glorious Tamil People with who...whom..we fought a war but neither party could end victorious but that is being by the way the Glorious....... (Say Glorious once more and I will kill you!- Ed)
happy new year
Drawing by S. H. Sarath/Daily Mirror (with apologies)
Already shut Lanka shuts down to celebrate new year
(AP) 12 April 2003 COLOMBO - Sri Lankans prepared yesterday to start a week of new year celebrations in which they will forgo work ("Ice Gahanava") and follow traditions that include taking oil baths at an auspicious times and preparing meals of rice and milk in clay pots over wood fires.
Thousands of Colombo residents began queuing outside liquor outlets whilst others were leaving for their village homes, sea resorts or the tea-growing hill country, which has stunning hotels and camping sites. Sri Lanka's 14 million Sinhalese and 3.2 million minority Tamils formally start celebrating the new year on Monday. "This year, there is an added bonus of holidays," said Ranjith Tillekeratne, who owns an auto parts shop.
The garment has declared holidays on Monday, Wednesday - a full moon day - and Good Friday. But many Sri Lankans are also taking "casual leave" on Tuesday and Thursday, giving them a full week off.
"Since the last election the rivalry between El Presidente and the Pry Minister has shut the country down and so the long holiday period won't make a difference to the non-existent economy" said Professor Pragñaratna Pragñagosara of The Department of Navel Fluff Studies of Maha Borella (near Lido Cinema).
There are plans to add more public holidays including Ransinghe Premadasa Day, Dudley Senanayake Day, Iraqi War Protest Day, W. Tyronne Appu Day, Gerardus Mercator Day, Ferdinand Magellan Day...(That'sh enough Public Holidays!-Ed)...
Sri Lankans Report Dead
(SCN 14-4-2003, Colombo)
With overpaid inconsiderate doctors having taken leave for the National New Year, Sri Lankans are having great difficulty in obtaining bogus medical certificates and are said to be reporting dead instead of reporting sick.

There has been a noticeable rise in deaths in Colombo as well as in far off places like Minipe. R. M. Heen Menika of Bibile said "My husband reported dead yesterday and has just gone down to the liquor shop to stock up before the Nonagathe". Most of the dead are expected to rise from the dead on Easter Sunday.
A FREE Crazylanka service: Write your own bogus medical certificate!
Historical Note
In 33 AD a resident of Nazareth, Palestine, by the name of J. Christ reported dead on Good Friday but was back at work on Monday having risen from the dead on Easter Sunday!
Daily Hulugalla Forgets New Year!
(Rotters 14-04-2003, Colombo)
Today the Daily Hulugalla, Sri Lanka's first electronic snoozepaper completely forgot to update their page in spite of it being the Nashional New Year!
When roused from his afternoon slumbers the editor of the Hulugalla, Mr Lanka Chronic, who once famously referred to Norwegians as BASTARDS, explained that it being the "Nonagathe" (that is when people of Sri Lanka do nothing...which is all the time!) he was not going to update his page.
Mr Lanka Chronicle Ali of the Baghdad Hulugalla has not been since he last appeared at the Palestine Hotel and famously asked "What Americans?"...(Wrong sshtory!-Ed)
Do visit the Lanka Chronic to keep old Harris happy!
Crazylanka will not be published until after Christmas as we join the Nonagathe....
VOL 2 NO 12
Daily Al-Crazylanka
It is War! When a man can't crap in peace it is WAR!
More from Al-Crazylanka
BREAKING NEWS! LATEST: Buddhist monk gets Life! Final chapter
New Bolly wood Film: Saving The Privates Of Jessica Parker.
Not starring Tom Hanks
Allies rename Saddam International Airport as Ranasinghe Premadasa International Airport!
The service is still the same though....The late Mr Premadasa was not available for comment...
Baghdad Airport Better Than Miami International Airport!
Avoid this airport!
Weera Tyronne Appu Fernando, the Foreign Minister of Sri Lanka, to form a new United Nations!
Iraqi Minister of Information alias Comical Alicomical ali
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf:
"The Worlds' Funniest Straight Man"
COMICAL ALI IN NEW ROLE!
Today a famous Iraqi stand-up comic "Comical Ali" was offered a role in the latest Carry on film "Carry On Up The Tigris" by Pinewood Studios, Elstree, London.
Ali whose hilarious routine kept the world glued to their TVs during the past few weeks has decided that it was time for a change.
It emerged that several world leaders including Ranil Wickremasingho of Sri Lanka and Tony Blair of London had made bids for Ali.
"What we need is a man like him in the Garnment. He is the ideal spokesman and can lie through his teeth. We could use him to prop up my dictatorship" said Ranil.
"The Labour Party is very soon going to need a man like him especially after today's Budget speech by my neighbour Mr. Gordon Brown of No 11, Downing Street" said Tony.
Comical Ali (real name Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf ) turned down all offers saying that acting was in his blood... (Al-Crazylanka 9-4-2003)
Comical Ali Links
comical ali t shirt
Comical Ali T Shirts!

www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com

Saddam's Last Stand?
Al-Crazylanka archives
VOL 2 NO 11
SCHOCK AND AWE (Budu Ammo!) ISSUE
LATEST: Buddhist monk gets Life! Final chapter
Buddhist monk hacked roommate to death, court told Mar 27 (BNN) A Sri Lankan Buddhist monk hacked a fellow countryman to death with a meat cleaver and then dumped his body in a suitcase outside a railway station, a court heard today. Nalaka Thero Rathmalane, 36, had an argument with Siriwimala Thero Patapiliyagoda, 30, in a staff bedroom in the Audleys Wood Hotel in Basingstoke, Hants on December 20, 2001, Winchester Crown Court heard. From AL- INFOLANKA.
Interested persons can find updates on this story by doing a Google search using the keywords: Basingstoke buddhist murder. We will keep you updated as and when something interesting happens in this trial. Meanwhile remember: Panathi Patha Veramani etc.....
saddam ranil Today the combined forces of the despot Chandrika Kumaratunga-Airport and the Stinko JVP Pol Pot Mao Tse Tungs failed to topple/ managed to topple the popular/unpopular garment of the despot Ranil Hussein. There is no talk of dissolution of the garment and no elections to come in the future which is a pity because we/us at Crazylanka are running out of news...
Left: Tanks of the PA/JVP coalition trying to topple Ranil (Pic: not from al-Jazeera)
WORLD NEWS from Al-Crazylanka SPORTS NEWS
MIRACLE IN THE HOLY LAND!
(from our SCN/Al-Crazylanka corr in Babylon 24-3-2003)
Today a miracle occurred in the Middle East when a man by the name of Jesus al-Christ apparently survived a close encounter with a Cruise Missile fired by the chaps who didn't like Jesus (and whose name I have forgotten!).
J. al-Moustache who was supposed to be dead rose up and gave a pre-recorded TV broadcast.
A whiskey-sloshed man called Thomas the News from CNN/BBC asketh: "Are you really (Hic!) Jesus or are you his double? " And Lo! Jesus doth replieth (with a slight smirk): "No! I art a Monkey's Aunt!" (which when translated into the language of the Anglo-Saxons means " Fornicate Away!")
***
All the disciples fell about laughing and nicknamed Thomas as "Doubting Tommy".
When they heard this news there was gnashing of teeth and beating of breasts in the land of the Israelites called Washington. (Will that do Editor Sir?)
Copyright © Crazylanka.com
Iraqi Asks For Asylum In Vanni
Today a man by the name of S. Hussain asked for asylum in the Vanni...Page 22

Woman Can't Find Passport
Today a woman called Mrs S. Hussain could not find her husband's passport...Page 24
Toilet Demolished
Today the most costliest demolition in history was carried out when 40 cruise missiles costing schillions of dollars were used to demolish the outdoor toilet of a Mr S. Hussain of No 3, Saddam Mawatha, Baghdad, Iraq...Mr. Hussain said "Oh! Shit"...Page 3

Mr Hussain's passport photo taken in a Baghdad photo booth.
Sarong Kills Palestinians
Today a man by the name of Ariel Sarong killed a couple of Palestinians...Page 33
World Cup Finals!
Tonight: Allies vs Saddam XI
Follow the action on Al-Crazylanka!

CRICKET NEWS FROM THE REPUBLIC:A correspondent reliably informs us that the Sri Lankan Cricket Team is no longer sponsored by "Dilmah Tea" but by "Free and Easy" the makers of tampons as the team are having a bad period!...Bad period? Get it!
'Toon Special
  Spot the difference: Tomahawk (left) IQ 265. George Bush (right) IQ 91
(Adapted from Political Toons)
COUNTDOWN to Armageddon! The time in Iraq now is: CHECK  
VOL 2 NO 10
Clown Calls A Clown A Clown!
Batty calls Anura a clown [ColomboPage ] LSSP leader Batty Weerakoon has said that he would not respond to a statement by a clown. He was referring to a statement made by former speaker Anura Bandaranaike, branding the old left as ‘old fossils from Jurassic Park’. Mr. Bandaranaike, flanked by his new-found friends in the JVP, made the remark at last Monday's joint SLFP-JVP demonstration at the Town Hall.

Anura Airport (right) with Ernesto "Che" Guevara (leftist).
14th March 2003, Colombo. By our corr. Carlo Marx Fonseka.
Today a well known clown who's first name happens to be Batty called another very famous clown a clown.
(Batty, sl. crazy - New Oxford Dickshonary) This other famous person, a man by the name of Anura Bandaranayake and who was named after the airport of the same name is the sister of El Presidente and has now joined up with the JVP Commie-Stinko Party after a spell with the UNP. Also known as "Fat Boy Slim", Anura Airport had called Batty Weerakone "a fossil from Jurassic Park".
Times are hard for lefty loonies in Sri Lanka because of our Glorious Leader Kim Il WickremaSung..(You have done that joke before! - Ed) and they spend their time calling the pot and the kettle black...
The Battle of the Clowns
Left: Batty "Crazy" Weerakone-Lenin. Right: Anura "FatBoy" Airport
Riots in Colombo as Daily Hulugalla Nearly Closes!
by our corr. Pahatha-Rata Karawésekera (Colombo, 15th March 2003)
There were riots and teargas throwing in Colombo today when Mr Lanka Chronic threatened to close down his 100 year old web publication "The Daily Hulugalla". Grown men were seen crying openly when the news was broadcast. "This is a national disaster!" said one man who had never heard of "The Daily Hulugalla"

Known for its coverage of the Chronic family and bigoted views about caste, the Daily Hulugalle enjoyed a readership of five (Mr. Hulugalla, Mrs. Hulugalla, Master Hulugalla, Miss Hulugalla and Muthubanda the servant boy). Earlier Mr Chronic had published a threat on his website saying that he will destroy the server and hard drive. Police rushed in and disarmed Mr. Chronic who was holding a gun to his computer.
The paper was eventually saved when the Minister for Cultural Affairs and Taverns rushed to the aid of the Hulugalla saying "We need to preserve fossils like Hulugalla". Harris Hulugalla is 102 years old and a teetotaler. The Lanka Chronicle
Things You Didn't Know About The Daily Hulugalla
1. The Lanka Chronic is the first Sri Lankan electronic magazine.

2. Harris Hulugalla is not a direct descendant of Sri Wickrema Rajasinghe.


3. The Lanka Chronic has more readers than The Daily Noise.


4. Er..thatsh it!
VOL 2 NO 9
JUDGE PASSES JUDGEMENT ON HIMSELF!
From The Colombo Page Sunday 2nd of March 2003
CJ again under siege Mar 01, Colombo: Controversial Chief Justice Sarath Silva appears to be again coming under siege. On the one hand, the UN special rapporteur on the independence of judges and lawyers, Param Cumaraswamy, has expressed his shock at the CJ hearing a case against himself despite vehement protest by the petitioner. On the other hand, twelve retired judges have written to the Speaker of Parliament, urging him to appoint a select committee to inquire into charges against the CJ.
by our courts corr. Dhanapala Pagamaruwa
Additional material by the late Dodampe Mudalali who tragically fell off the CID Building in Fort..
Today a prestig..a prestidigitous Chief Justice by the name of Lord Justice Supreme Commander of Hulftsdorf sat in judgement in a case brought against him by Sirisena Stripedsarong of Weligaswatte in a case which is set to become a landmark case in the whole glorious history of North Korea (Shouldn't that be Sri Lanka? - Ed) which is governed by our Glorious leader Ranil WickremeSung who has done so much for our Glorious country including ending the drought and filling up the reservoirs and...(Thatsh enough bullshit! - Ed)

*******
The hearing is considered to be a good example of our Glorious Legal System which we changed after the invading-pox-ridden-filthy (Cut that! - Ed) British left us in 1948...
At the end of the hearing the Judge found himself guilty on all counts and sentenced himself to six months at the Galadari Hotel which has a good bar and a swimming pool. After sharing a bottle of Gin with his friends he led himself to the Prison at Hotel Galadari.The complainant was taken into custody, beaten up and later released to the Accident Service after he fell off a moving trishaw...
The Court Proceedings In Full
Sarong Johnnie Vs Lord Chief Justice
or
Lord Chief Justice Vs Lord Chief Justice
Hulftsdorph, Colombo. Mercedes Benz draws up. Lord Chief Justice staggers out with icebag under wig. Large crowd in court. Smell of farts mingle with body odour...Expectant air...

Clerk: (Multilingual. Shouting, with fingers in ears) Paswandahakk Budu Wenda! Allahhh Uh Akbaaar! Nishshabda Wenu! Silencing in the Courts! Ennadah! The train now leaving Platform...The Judge now entering..


(Judge enters accompanied by half bottle of Gin and a young female steno girl in a black mini skirt and gorgeous legs...)


Judge: Clerk! What ish thish case (hic)?


Clerk: (shouting) Your Lordship! Sarong Johnnie alias "Johnnie Walker" alias "Joan Mahattaya" alias "Abdul Hameed" alias "Thungmanghandiye Nadar" of Welimadagashinna against the State sir. Ex-parte. Habeas Corpus. Sic transit gloria mundi. Mensa, Mensae; feminine: Table!


Judge: We can't have that sort of thing againsht the State as represhented..represented.. by myself. Who is prosecuting against me?

(Stunned silence. Complainant tries to get up from stretcher. Nurse adjusts saline drip)

Clerk: Sarong Johnnie has no legal representation but has brought along Marrikkar Thambikade (alias al-Queda) of No 258/3 Baseline Road, Kabul, Afghanistan as his advisor, sir!


(Tittering in court led by Police. Girl adjusts bra strap provocatively. Clerk drops spectacles. Adjusts trousers.)

Judge: Who ish..is.. defending me?


Advocate Crosette Litigation-Tort Thambiah:(Bending over backwards) I am Your Lordship..er.. Your Majesty! And may I say that it is a great privilege and the high point of my career to be able to defend you O! Supreme Commander and Lord of The Rings..and..and...


Judge: That is enough grovelling! You were a poncy little law student as I remember you. But I like you!

(More sycophantic laughter in courts)

Clerk:(shouting) Silencing in court! Allahhhhh Uh Akbaaar...


Judge: Clerk! Don't shout! I've got a hangover!


(Steno girl crosses and uncrosses legs revealing red knickers. Smiles at Advocate. Advocate drops heavy legal tome on own foot)

Judge: Let's get on with it! I have a free luncheon to attend at the Oberoi and we don't want to be late do we!

(More laughter and more "Silencing")


(Continued in next column)



Judge: By the way, how did our cricket team do against Pitcairn Islands yesterday?


(Clerk passes sports page of The Daily Noise. Judge puts on spectacles and peers at newspaper. Swigs gin. Girl crosses legs etc)


Advocate Thambiah: Not very well as you can shee..er..I mean see.., Your Lordship!..er Supreme Commander..


Judge: These cricketers think no end of themshelves...Unlike me! And they get better cars than me! And girlsh..
(More laughter) Alright! Get on with it!

Advocate Thambiah:(bowing courteousely and winking at girl-with-long-legs-in-short-skirt) Your Lordship, if I may be allowed to address you as "Your Lordship", this case has absolutely no substance whatsoever. This is a totally frivolous and malicious (That's two big words!) case brought by the complainant in order to humiliate your Supreme Presence and undermine the workings of the Legal System of this Glorious Country.

I have consulted the Law Library and there is the case of R v Muthubanda of 1956, R v Dodampe Mudalali (deceased) of 1960 and the..

Judge: That is enough precedents. Has the complainant got anything to say before I find myself Not Guilty?


Ad.Thambiah: (Goes down on his knees...to get a better look at the miniskirted legs of the steno girl) He can't talk sir. Not after the Police finished with him!


Judge: Remind me to recommend the Police for promotion. In that case I have no alternative but to find the accused (That is myself!) "Not Guilty" on all present as well as future charges...


Ad. Thambiah: A very wise judgement worthy of Solomon, if I may say so your lordship! And if I may be permitted to....

Judge: (Stands up, jumps up and punches air. Wig falls off.) Hurrah and Jayaweva! I am not guilty! HE! Hic! Hic! Heeee!

(Uproar in court! "Silencing in...", girl crosses legs..etc.)

Judge and Adv. Thambiah drive away for lunch in Benz with girl, singing National Anthem: "Me Rate Inna Minissu...etc"...Shouts of "Buddu Ammo" from complainant as the Police wade in...


(Additional material welcome as usual - Ed)
 HOLY GOD! We Praise Thy Name?
CRAZYLANKA EASTER SPECIAL!
(We make fun of every religion!)

(From the current edition of The Onion with additional material from Crazylanka)
God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity. HEAVEN—Calling the Holy Trinity "overstaffed and over budget," God announced plans Monday to downsize the group by slowly phasing out the Holy Ghost. "Given the poor economic climate and the unclear nature of the Holy Ghost's duties, I felt this was a sensible and necessary decision," God said.

"The Holy Ghost will be given fewer and fewer responsibilities until his formal resignation from Trinity duty following Easter services on April 20. Thereafter, the Father and the Son shall be referred to as the Holy Duo."

However, Archbish Oswald "Ghost" Gomis of Colombo pointed out that Virgin Mary had taken over from the Holy Ghost long time ago and was now more powerful than God himself!
"God is in danger of becoming redundant!" he said.
As an example he pointed out that although Ranil was the Pry Minister the real powers were in the hands of a woman by the name of Mariyanika Bandaranaike.
When asked why there were no women priests in the Catholic Church inspite of the veneration of Mary, the Bish suddenly became evasive and started to talk in Latin.."Pater Noster ques in chelis..." which is Latin for "Apé Thatha Ahasa Uda Innawa...!"...Note the masculine God! No feminine in Catholic Church! Ha! Ahhh!....(You are ex-communicated!-God)
VOL 2 NO 8
THE SMELLIES FART!
AND MAKE LOUD NOISES BUT NO REAL PLANS!
By our corr. Norma Pandamwadana
Today a person by the name of Mahinda Rajapakse who claims to be a direct descendant of our last king Sri Wickrema Rajapakse who was dethroned by the British but who was a Indian king.... (Get on with it!-Ed)...made a lot of noise by blowing a Nagasallam clarinet like thing and making loud noises and asking everybody to do the same to overthrow our popular government led by our Glorious Leader Kim Il WickremeSung in a campaign called "Jana Gosha" which when translated to Engrishy means "Loud Farting" while others are saying that he is blowing a Nagasallam thing to show that he likes the Tamils as well and so join the "Peace Bandwagon" which involves having Peace Torks in posh hotels in Bangkok...Meanwhile the country is ....
Murugata Vadivella!(HIC!)clarinet practice
Muruga Vadivella!!!....(HIC)...Thamuseta Wedi waylla! (Hic!)
 Opposition Leader Mahinda Rajapakse yesterday led a protest against the increasing cost of living in Kaduwela. Here Rajapakse blows a "Nagasuram" to make noise and protest against the rising prices of essential goods. — Pic by Eranga Dayawardena/The Island 18-2-2003
Announcements
Personal
Important Sri Lankan lady, Govigama, in her fifties, widow, would like to meet a political party to co-habit with. Caste creed immaterial. Any party would do. Good dowry including property at Horagolla. Non smoker prefered. (Box 2321)
Important Sri Lankan gentleman, Govigama, in his fifties, married, would like to meet a political party to co-habit with. Caste creed immaterial. Good dowry including property at Colombo. Non smoker prefered. (Box 2322)
chandrka's valentine
Apologies to The Daily Mirror
 A Fistful of Rupees and a Plateful of Cashew!
A Srilankan Western.

SPORTS NEWS
BURKINA FASO BEAT SRILANKA! SHOCK!
Today a starving bunch of naked natives from Burkina Faso beat the fat, well-fed, night clubbing, sport car owning, overpaid cricketers of Sri Lanka...
Scoreboard:
Sri Lanka
Jayasuriya, Rolls Royce 2
Fernando, Ferrari 1
Attapattu, Mercedes Benz 1
Burkina Faso
Tshombe, Moise 289
Lumumba, Patrice 431

Amin, Idi (General) 157
Extras 231

Meanwhile starving young people were eating each others tongues


KISSY KISSY! MUNCH! MUNCH! Ahhha!Ahhhaa!Ahhhaaa!Ahhhaaaa! Oooohh! Oh! Ahhhhhhha! oh!. oh!.. oh!
in what was described

by our rivals The Daily Mirror as:
"Chocolate you are so sweet, you it's you I like to eat, if I could oh what a thrill....".
The innuendo in this statement is for you to work out but it seems that the Sri Lankan media shy away from refering to Se*x as SE*X!
MORE NEWS
BIG RAT IN PARLIAMENT
Ratwatte allowed to attend Parliament

The Trial-at-Bar hearing the Udatalawinna mass murder case yesterday allowed former Deputy Defence Minister Anuruddha Ratwatte, the first accused to attend Parliament to cast his vote yesterday.
The Trial-at-Bar comprises High Court Judges Eric Basnayake (President), Deepali Wijesundara and Sunil Rajapakse. They said "We believe that Parliament is full of rats and one more rat won't make much of a difference" (SCN, Punchi Borella 19-2-2003)
POLICE WASH STINKOS!
Our photographer loses a digital camera!
Meanwhile the bearded-unwashed-Commie-Pol Pot-dirty underpants-long fingernailed arse scratching-stinkos.. (Thatsh enough anti JVP comment! - Ed) ..of the JVP are washed by the police using water cannons...(Shouldn't that be cannon? - Ed)

The JVP protest march against the Norwegian-brokered peace process under attack by police tear gas and high velocity water cannons in Colombo last week. Our staff photographer ERANGA JAYAWARDENA clicked this picture seconds before he was hit on his ear by a tear gas cannister while water from the cannons (sic) damaged his digital camera. The Island 23-2-2003

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