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| VOL 2 NO 10 |
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| Clown Calls A Clown A
Clown! |
Batty calls Anura a clown [ColomboPage ] LSSP leader Batty
Weerakoon has said that he would not respond to a statement by a clown. He was
referring to a statement made by former speaker Anura Bandaranaike, branding
the old left as ‘old fossils from Jurassic Park’. Mr. Bandaranaike,
flanked by his new-found friends in the JVP, made the remark at last Monday's
joint SLFP-JVP demonstration at the Town Hall.
Anura
Airport (right) with Ernesto "Che" Guevara (leftist). |
14th March 2003, Colombo. By our corr. Carlo Marx
Fonseka.
Today a well known clown who's first name happens
to be Batty called another very famous clown a
clown.
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(Batty, sl. crazy - New Oxford
Dickshonary) This other famous person, a man by the name of Anura
Bandaranayake and who was named after the airport of the same name is the
sister of El Presidente and has now joined up with the JVP Commie-Stinko Party
after a spell with the UNP. Also known as "Fat Boy Slim", Anura
Airport had called Batty Weerakone "a fossil from Jurassic Park".
Times are hard for lefty loonies in Sri Lanka because of our Glorious
Leader Kim Il WickremaSung..(You have done that joke
before! - Ed) and they spend their time calling the pot and the kettle
black...
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The Battle
of the Clowns
Left: Batty "Crazy" Weerakone-Lenin. Right: Anura
"FatBoy" Airport |
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Riots in Colombo as Daily Hulugalla Nearly
Closes!
by our corr.
Pahatha-Rata Karawésekera (Colombo, 15th March 2003)
There were riots and teargas throwing in Colombo today
when Mr Lanka Chronic threatened to close down his 100 year old web
publication "The Daily Hulugalla". Grown men were seen crying openly
when the news was broadcast. "This is a national disaster!" said one man who
had never heard of "The Daily Hulugalla"
Known for its coverage of the Chronic family and bigoted views about
caste, the Daily Hulugalle enjoyed a readership of five (Mr. Hulugalla, Mrs.
Hulugalla, Master Hulugalla, Miss Hulugalla and Muthubanda the servant boy).
Earlier Mr Chronic had published a threat on his website saying that he will
destroy the server and hard drive. Police rushed in and disarmed Mr. Chronic
who was holding a gun to his computer.
The paper was eventually saved when
the Minister for Cultural Affairs and Taverns rushed to the aid of the
Hulugalla saying "We need to preserve fossils like Hulugalla". Harris Hulugalla
is 102 years old and a teetotaler.
The Lanka
Chronicle |
Things
You Didn't Know About The Daily Hulugalla |
|
1. The Lanka Chronic is the first Sri Lankan
electronic magazine.
2. Harris
Hulugalla is not a direct descendant of Sri Wickrema
Rajasinghe.
3. The Lanka Chronic
has more readers than The Daily Noise.
4. Er..thatsh it! |
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| VOL 2 NO 9 |
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| JUDGE
PASSES JUDGEMENT ON HIMSELF! |
From The
Colombo Page Sunday 2nd of March 2003
CJ again under siege Mar 01,
Colombo: Controversial Chief Justice Sarath Silva appears to be again coming
under siege. On the one hand, the UN special rapporteur on the independence of
judges and lawyers, Param Cumaraswamy, has expressed his shock at the CJ
hearing a case against himself despite vehement protest by the petitioner. On
the other hand, twelve retired judges have written to the Speaker of
Parliament, urging him to appoint a select committee to inquire into charges
against the CJ. |
by our courts
corr. Dhanapala Pagamaruwa
Additional material by the late Dodampe Mudalali who tragically
fell off the CID Building in Fort..
Today a prestig..a prestidigitous Chief Justice
by the name of Lord Justice Supreme Commander of Hulftsdorf sat in
judgement in a case brought against him by Sirisena Stripedsarong of
Weligaswatte in a case which is set to become a landmark case in the whole
glorious history of North Korea (Shouldn't that be Sri
Lanka? - Ed) which is governed by our Glorious leader Ranil WickremeSung
who has done so much for our Glorious country including ending the drought and
filling up the reservoirs and...(Thatsh enough bullshit!
- Ed)
*******
The hearing is
considered to be a good example of our Glorious Legal System which we changed
after the invading-pox-ridden-filthy (Cut that! -
Ed) British left us in 1948...
At the end of the hearing the Judge
found himself guilty on all counts and sentenced himself to six months at the
Galadari Hotel which has a good bar and a swimming pool. After sharing a
bottle of Gin with his friends he led himself to the Prison at Hotel
Galadari.The complainant was taken into custody, beaten up and later released
to the Accident Service after he fell off a moving trishaw... |
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The Court Proceedings In
Full
Sarong Johnnie Vs Lord Chief
Justice
or
Lord Chief Justice Vs Lord Chief Justice |
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Hulftsdorph, Colombo. Mercedes
Benz draws up. Lord Chief Justice staggers out with icebag under wig. Large
crowd in court. Smell of farts mingle with body odour...Expectant
air...
Clerk:
(Multilingual. Shouting, with fingers in ears)
Paswandahakk Budu Wenda! Allahhh Uh Akbaaar! Nishshabda Wenu! Silencing in the
Courts! Ennadah! The train now leaving Platform...The Judge now
entering..
(Judge enters accompanied by half bottle of Gin and a young
female steno girl in a black mini skirt and gorgeous
legs...)
Judge:
Clerk! What ish thish case (hic)?
Clerk: (shouting) Your Lordship! Sarong Johnnie
alias "Johnnie Walker" alias "Joan Mahattaya" alias "Abdul Hameed" alias
"Thungmanghandiye Nadar" of Welimadagashinna against the State sir. Ex-parte.
Habeas Corpus. Sic transit gloria mundi. Mensa, Mensae; feminine:
Table!
Judge: We can't have that sort of thing againsht the State as
represhented..represented.. by myself. Who is prosecuting against me?
(Stunned silence. Complainant
tries to get up from stretcher. Nurse adjusts saline
drip)
Clerk:
Sarong Johnnie has no legal representation but has brought along Marrikkar
Thambikade (alias al-Queda) of No 258/3 Baseline Road, Kabul, Afghanistan as
his advisor, sir!
(Tittering in court led by Police. Girl
adjusts bra strap provocatively. Clerk drops spectacles. Adjusts
trousers.)
Judge: Who
ish..is.. defending me?
Advocate Crosette Litigation-Tort Thambiah:(Bending over backwards) I am Your Lordship..er.. Your
Majesty! And may I say that it is a great privilege and the high point of my
career to be able to defend you O! Supreme Commander and Lord of The
Rings..and..and...
Judge:
That is enough grovelling! You were a poncy little law student as I
remember you. But I like you!
(More sycophantic
laughter in courts)
Clerk:(shouting) Silencing in court! Allahhhhh Uh
Akbaaar...
Judge: Clerk!
Don't shout! I've got a hangover!
(Steno girl
crosses and uncrosses legs revealing red knickers. Smiles at Advocate. Advocate
drops heavy legal tome on own foot)
Judge: Let's
get on with it! I have a free luncheon to attend at the Oberoi and we don't
want to be late do we!
(More laughter and more
"Silencing")
(Continued in next column)
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Judge: By the way,
how did our cricket team do against Pitcairn Islands yesterday?
(Clerk passes sports page of
The Daily Noise. Judge puts on spectacles and peers at newspaper. Swigs
gin. Girl crosses legs etc)
Advocate Thambiah: Not very well as you can shee..er..I
mean see.., Your Lordship!..er Supreme Commander..
Judge:
These cricketers think no end of themshelves...Unlike me! And they get better
cars than me! And girlsh..(More laughter) Alright!
Get on with it!
Advocate
Thambiah:(bowing courteousely and winking at
girl-with-long-legs-in-short-skirt) Your Lordship, if I may be allowed
to address you as "Your Lordship", this case has absolutely no substance
whatsoever. This is a totally frivolous and malicious (That's two big words!)
case brought by the complainant in order to humiliate your Supreme Presence and
undermine the workings of the Legal System of this Glorious Country.
I have consulted the Law Library and
there is the case of R v Muthubanda of 1956, R v Dodampe Mudalali
(deceased) of 1960 and the..
Judge: That is enough precedents. Has the complainant got
anything to say before I find myself Not Guilty?
Ad.Thambiah: (Goes down on his
knees...to get a better look at the miniskirted legs of the steno girl)
He can't talk sir. Not after the Police finished with him!
Judge: Remind me to recommend the Police for promotion. In
that case I have no alternative but to find the accused (That is myself!) "Not
Guilty" on all present as well as future charges...
Ad.
Thambiah: A very wise judgement worthy of Solomon, if I may say so your
lordship! And if I may be permitted to....
Judge:
(Stands up, jumps up and punches air. Wig falls
off.) Hurrah and Jayaweva!
I am not guilty! HE! Hic! Hic! Heeee!
(Uproar in court! "Silencing in...", girl crosses
legs..etc.)
Judge and Adv. Thambiah
drive away for lunch in Benz with girl, singing National Anthem: "Me Rate Inna
Minissu...etc"...Shouts of "Buddu Ammo" from complainant as the Police wade
in...
(Additional material welcome as usual -
Ed) |
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HOLY GOD! We Praise Thy Name?
CRAZYLANKA EASTER SPECIAL!
(We make fun of every religion!) |
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(From the current edition of The
Onion with additional material from Crazylanka)
God Quietly
Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity. HEAVEN—Calling the Holy Trinity
"overstaffed and over budget," God announced plans Monday to downsize the group
by slowly phasing out the Holy Ghost. "Given the poor economic climate and the
unclear nature of the Holy Ghost's duties, I felt this was a sensible and
necessary decision," God said.
"The Holy Ghost will be given fewer and
fewer responsibilities until his formal resignation from Trinity duty following
Easter services on April 20. Thereafter, the Father and the Son shall be
referred to as the Holy Duo."
However, Archbish Oswald "Ghost"
Gomis of Colombo pointed out that Virgin Mary had taken over from the Holy
Ghost long time ago and was now more powerful than God himself!
"God is in danger of becoming redundant!" he
said.
As an example he pointed out
that although Ranil was the Pry Minister the real powers were in the hands of a
woman by the name of Mariyanika Bandaranaike.
When asked why there were no women priests in the Catholic Church
inspite of the veneration of Mary, the Bish suddenly became evasive and started
to talk in Latin.."Pater Noster ques in chelis..." which is Latin for
"Apé Thatha Ahasa Uda Innawa...!"...Note the masculine God! No
feminine in Catholic Church! Ha! Ahhh!....(You are
ex-communicated!-God) |
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| VOL 2 NO
8 |
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THE SMELLIES FART!
AND MAKE LOUD NOISES BUT
NO REAL PLANS!
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By our corr. Norma Pandamwadana
Today a person by the name of Mahinda Rajapakse who claims
to be a direct descendant of our last king Sri Wickrema Rajapakse who was
dethroned by the British but who was a Indian king.... (Get on with it!-Ed)...made a lot of noise by blowing a
Nagasallam clarinet like thing and making loud noises and asking everybody to
do the same to overthrow our popular government led by our Glorious
Leader Kim Il WickremeSung in a campaign called "Jana
Gosha" which when translated to Engrishy means "Loud Farting" while
others are saying that he is blowing a Nagasallam thing to show that he likes
the Tamils as well and so join the "Peace Bandwagon" which involves having
Peace Torks in posh hotels in Bangkok...Meanwhile the country is
....
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Murugata Vadivella!(HIC!)
Muruga
Vadivella!!!....(HIC)...Thamuseta Wedi waylla! (Hic!)
Opposition Leader Mahinda Rajapakse yesterday led
a protest against the increasing cost of living in Kaduwela. Here Rajapakse
blows a "Nagasuram" to make noise and protest against the rising prices of
essential goods. — Pic by Eranga Dayawardena/The Island
18-2-2003
| Announcements |
| Personal |
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| Important
Sri Lankan lady, Govigama, in her fifties, widow, would like to meet a
political party to co-habit with. Caste creed immaterial. Any party would do.
Good dowry including property at Horagolla. Non smoker prefered. (Box
2321) |
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| Important
Sri Lankan gentleman, Govigama, in his fifties, married, would like to meet
a political party to co-habit with. Caste creed immaterial. Good dowry
including property at Colombo. Non smoker prefered. (Box 2322) |
Apologies to The Daily
Mirror |
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A Fistful of Rupees and a Plateful of
Cashew!
A Srilankan Western.
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| SPORTS NEWS |
BURKINA FASO BEAT
SRILANKA! SHOCK!
Today
a starving bunch of naked natives from Burkina Faso beat the fat, well-fed,
night clubbing, sport car owning, overpaid cricketers of Sri
Lanka...
Scoreboard:
Sri
Lanka
Jayasuriya, Rolls Royce 2
Fernando, Ferrari 1
Attapattu,
Mercedes Benz 1
Burkina Faso
Tshombe, Moise 289
Lumumba,
Patrice 431
Amin, Idi (General)
157
Extras 231 |
|
Meanwhile starving young people were eating each others
tongues
KISSY KISSY! MUNCH!
MUNCH! Ahhha!Ahhhaa!Ahhhaaa!Ahhhaaaa! Oooohh! Oh! Ahhhhhhha! oh!. oh!..
oh!
in what was described
by our rivals The Daily Mirror as:
"Chocolate you are so sweet, you it's you I like to
eat, if I could oh what a thrill....".
The innuendo in this statement is for you to work out but it seems
that the Sri Lankan media shy away from refering to Se*x as SE*X!
| MORE NEWS |
BIG RAT IN PARLIAMENT
Ratwatte
allowed to attend Parliament
The
Trial-at-Bar hearing the Udatalawinna mass murder case yesterday allowed former
Deputy Defence Minister Anuruddha Ratwatte, the first accused to attend
Parliament to cast his vote yesterday.
The Trial-at-Bar comprises High Court Judges Eric Basnayake
(President), Deepali Wijesundara and Sunil Rajapakse. They said "We believe
that Parliament is full of rats and one more rat won't make much of a
difference" (SCN, Punchi Borella 19-2-2003) |
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POLICE WASH STINKOS!
Our photographer loses a
digital camera!
Meanwhile the bearded-unwashed-Commie-Pol Pot-dirty
underpants-long fingernailed arse scratching-stinkos.. (Thatsh enough anti JVP comment! - Ed) ..of the JVP are
washed by the police using water cannons...(Shouldn't that be cannon? - Ed)
The JVP protest march against the Norwegian-brokered
peace process under attack by police tear gas and high velocity water cannons
in Colombo last week. Our staff photographer ERANGA JAYAWARDENA clicked this
picture seconds before he was hit on his ear by a tear gas cannister while
water from the cannons (sic) damaged his digital
camera. The Island 23-2-2003
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INDEX
