crazylanka.com The Daily Pol-Thel INDEX

SCN, Srilanka Crazy News and the slogan "We weed out the serious news" are trademarks of the SCN/ MadPage/ McMaluPaan Corp.

VOL 2 NO 15	CRAZYLANKA FILM FESTIVAL
MORE CRAZY FILMS
NOW SHOWING! crazylanka presents The Country is in good hands! or so we think! It is in the hands of JOHNNY SINHALE! Now at a cinema near you!
(Insert picture of cat with MGM logo here...any sort of cat! -Ed) A Crazylanka-SCN Production GORN(Check spelling! - Ed) WITH THE WIND Eeelam War 4 LTTE WALK OUT OF PEACE TORKS Cinemascope™ and Technicolor™ Starring Ranil Gable, Chandralatha "Viv" Leigh and a darkie by the name of Velupillai Saddhamkaran. A Crazylanka-SCN Production "Frankly My Dear, I don't Give A Shit...shorrry...Damn!" The Pissing 'n' Farting is rapidly coming to an end.... The famous film, shot in three-strip Technicolor™, is cinema's greatest, star-studded, historical epic film of the Old South during Eelam wartime that boasts an immortal cast in a timeless, classic tale of a love-hate romance. Ranil Gable as the Pry Minister....The indomitable heroine, Chandrani "Scarlett" O'Hara, struggles to find love during the Eelam War years and afterwards, and ultimately seeks refuge for herself and her family at the beloved plantation Horogolla. Killings go on as usual in the North.... CLICK IMAGE FOR A BIGGER BETTER VERSION As usual thish poster is copyright but may be reproduced anywhere in any form with a link to us...We are desperate for hits...!   Click for bigger image CRAZYLANKA-SCN-MadPage Presents A McMalupaan Corporation release Chandrani Horagolla in PUL FICTION or Another Imaginary Assasination Attempt on El Presidente Heavily censored by the Sri Lankan Board of Censors. Unsuitable for right thinking adults. PUL (pul, rhymes with hull) n. (Sinhalese)1. A rotting mess, moist, shapeless mass or matter.2.Rotters, utter garbage, rotten politicians (Pul Hora) 3. A magazine or book containing lurid subject matter and being characteristically printed on rough, unfinished paper. Crazylanka Dictionary New College Edition HEART BREAKING NEWS: Saddam Husseins Spotted in Mutur! Striped Animals on the rampage! Has war started again? See our PotoFeatureTM Easter message to all our readers: And Lo! It came to pass that Saddam did walk among his disciples and did show them his shrapnel injuries. "Lord, are you really Saddam" asketh the Man with the CNN mike and Saddam answereth "No I am a bowl of lentil soup!". Saddam did have a great sense of humour...inspite of his silly moustache. Saddam did a walkabout on the land mines and the cluster bombs and they did not explode! "Thish is shurely a (hic) miracle" said the Drunken Masses of the Media. (extracts from the forthcoming Crazylanka book "The Revised Version Of The Bible Including All The Naughty Bits!")

VOL 2 NO 14  SARS in Sri Lanka? Pry Minister of Sri Lanka Ranil Virus-singha wearing a mask which looks like a cheap pair of men's underpants available from the Pettah pavement... Always Wear Your Amudé!.... On your face! By our Medical Corr.still awaiting an internship appointment two years after getting his medical degree (Colombo 19-04-2003 SCN) There were fears in Colombo-the capital of Sri Lanka-that the Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) may have reached this glorious country known formerly as Serendib and later as Ceylon, which unlike its dirty neighbour India which is actually not a country but an open sewer with billions and schillions of dirty Indians living in squalor whilst Sri Lanka is a clean country with glorious beaches where millions of tourists flock and where glo….(Get on with it!-Ed).. Earlier a number of politicians were seen leaving the country and some local people have started wearing coconut shells, knickers and jock straps over their mouths and noses as masks. Dr. Apollo Waidyaratne, a very, very famous private doctor said "My private hospital is always open and it is conveniently situated next to the Hong Kong & Shanghai Flu Bank". Meanwhile Dr Carlo "Marx" Fonseka, who knows nothing about Virology said that…(cont on page 24) Can SARS be transmitted by farting? Can SARS be ditto by se*x? Is SARS spread by the CIA to blame Kim Ill (ill! Get it?!) Saddam? Are you at risk from the SARS Virus? Do any of the following apply to you? If so you are in great danger 1. You have slitty eyes and own a Chinese restaurant 2. You have recently smuggled gems into Thailand and stayed in a cheap hotel 3. You recently visited a Thai brothel 4. You get a lot of virus infected e-mails from Malaysia, Hong Kong and Singapore 5. You are suffering from high fever, cough and breathlessness 6. You are at present tied to a hospital bed at the Infectious Diseases Hospital (IDH) at Angoda. Your only companions are a couple of stray dogs scratching themselves 7. The doctors and nurses will only touch you with long bamboo poles whilst wearing Gulf War type chemical suits 8. You are being fed through an old S-Lon® pipe with a brass nipple 9. A man from Raymond's, the funeral undertakers, has visited you and measured you up 10. You feel cold and Rigor Mortis has set in… Lankan private doctors (above) wear state of the art ex-Gulf War protective gear whilst Government doctors are forced to wear coconut shells (The Rotters!) COMING SOON! UNCOMFORTABLE SEX IN A BOILER SUIT In a back seat at the Liberty Cinema Has SARS Virus reached Sri Lanka? Telltale signs: 1. Pavement hawkers in the Pettah are selling medicinal oil (Beheth Thel) guaranteed to cure SARS 2. Astrologers make dire predictions, publish auspicious times and advise people not to go to work 3. Quack Ayurvedic doctors advertise potent cures in the Sinhala language newspapers with banners promising "Nittawata Suwakara Themi!" (permanent cure) 4. Aralu, Bulu, Nelli, Coriander and other traditional herbal remedies can only be found on the black-market 5. El Presidente is wearing a blue mask and the Pry Minister is wearing a green one 6. Politicians find excuses to fly off to SARS free areas like Geneva, Tierra del Fuego and Basra (Basra? You shure?-Ed) 7. Teenagers wear masks when kissing and rinse mouths with Savlon afterwards as well as beforewards (There is no such word!- Ed) 8. The hordes of time wasting patients that usually throng the government hospitals are absent 9. Doctors are seen making regular visits to the banks 10. Undertakers are seen making regular visits to the banks Protect Yourself: Wear A Mask! Crazylanka sent our roving reporter to find what people were wearing...Most people were cooperative... WARNING: This is a Sri Lankan swear word! PHOTO CREDITS: 1.REUTERS/Bazuki Muhammad 2.AP Photo/Anat Givon 3.AFP/File/Peter Park 4.SimonKwong/Reuters 5.REUTERS/Kin Cheung Our usual apologies! Top Sri Lankan Cures for SARS 1. Amborum Special 2. Moragolla Dhasha Mulaarishtaya 3. Sirisenagé Siddhalépaya 4. "WhyDelay?" menstrual regulatory medicine 5. Wada Kaha Sudiya 6. A thovil ceremony 7. Burnt cow dung (to be applied on the forehead after lighting a few oil lamps and joss sticks) 8. Two drams of Arrack taken three times a day before meals 9. Four drams of Arrack taken three times a day before meals 10. A bottle of Blue Label® Arrack taken..(Thatsh enough Arrack-Ed)  Now Available online! Crazylanka has large stocks of items 1-5! All credit cards accepted. Prepayment in US$ or Euros. Item no 7 is available FREE. Send large SAE. TOP SRILANKAN MASKS 1. Mahasona Thovil Mask (Bright red with yellow teeth. Genuine antique!) 3. Crazylanka (3M dust mask. Ex U.S.Army) 4. Jayasuriya's cricket BOX 5. Muralitharan's Jock Strap 6. Kylie Minogue's underwear 7. Madonna's underwear 8. Coconut shell (You have done that joke before!-Ed) 9. Haramanis Aiya's...(You have done that one as well!-Ed) Genuine Ex-US Army 3M Crazylanka dust mask Also available FREE The masks on the left are available to readers of The Daily Pol-Thel. Send $10 to cover postage and packing.

crazylanka.com