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VOL 2 NO 19 Environmental Special Issue (Green Issue)

50 YEARS ON!

No Sri Lankan Climbs Everest!

By our corr. Edmund "Hillary" Perera (from the Kathmandu Bazaar Internet Cafe and Brothel 10-6-2003 SCN)

On the 50th anniversary of the conquest of Everest no Sri Lankan climbed the 29000ft peak!
TOTAL IDIOTS...
Earlier hoards of totally unfit idiots from places as far as New Zealand and Burkina Faso were literally falling over each other trying to get to the top.
" We are environmentally conscious," said Tenzing "Susanthika" Sirisena a spokesman/woman for the Ministry of Parks, Silly Silly Bags and Cemeteries of Sri Lanka.
"We don’t believe in polluting a sacred mountain with oxygen cylinders, human excreta, empty beer cans and dead bodies. Besides the Nepalese government have banned Silly-Silly bags"
When challenged about the pollution on Siri Pada mountain (Adam's Peak) and Horton’s Plains of Sri Lanka the spokesman became aggressive.
 
A spokesman for the independent Tamil province of Eelam, Muruga Swamimalai said that they had not sent a climber to Everest either because of problems of pollution.
"We have buggered up our own environment as it is, with literally shillions of landmines all over the place and we are not planning to lay landmines on Everest"

WHAT EVEREST MAY HAVE LOOKED LIKE IF WE GOT THERE!
Sri Lankan flag flies over Everest
Dear Ed,
That fat-fat, nashty-nashty, bloody-bloody, forei-giner Hillary (hic!) lary got to the top before me...bastard! bastard! bastard! bastard!
What shall I do? - Anonymous from Kathmandu-kurunda.

A JVP spokesman said "We are planning an expedition to Nepal to support the Maoist rebels in overthrowing the Nepalese monarchy and slaughtering everybody in sight…."
OTHER NEWS: Lankans Preserve Environment!

Fifty years on after independence Sri Lanka has achieved major goals in the fight to save the environment
by Marie Colvin Monsanto-Corporation of *classified*

What we have achieved:

Wellawatte canal has been converted into a major sewer.
Disgustingly clean and sparkling water once flowed in this Dutch built canal but with the consistent effort of locals and with the inaction of the Colombo Municipal Council it has now been converted into a major sewage outlet.
By the simple process of allowing people to squat along its banks and build wooden toilets over the edge the canal has been converted into a nature lovers’ paradise. Instead of disgusting and ugly fish, a large number of brown floating objects and dead cats may be spotted on a good day.
Wear a gas mask when visiting.

Horton’s Plains is a major Garbage Reserve.
During Colonial times this so-called nature reserve was filled with disgusting British huntsmen shouting "Tally-Ho" and other disgusting swear words and cruelly hunting foxes and other innocent animals against the teaching of Buddha. They were supported by local trouser wearing colonial types who have now thankfully immigrated to Australia.
Now on a good day a large number of different types of Silly Silly bags and empty Arrack bottles can be spotted. Most of the disgusting native Rhododendron plants have been systematically "scorch earthed". Baila singing drunk and happy people from all walks of life now visit the park everyday by the tractor load. Even Karawe people are now allowed into the park.
The Farr Inn, a symbol of colonialism, still stands but is to be destroyed and a chaitya built on the site.

Adam’s Peak is now a major theme park with McMalupaan outlets.
Fifty years ago Adam’s Peak was a dangerous place with wild animals, jungles and crystal clear cold streams cascading down the Peak Wilderness Sanctuary. The Colonials had neglected the area for centuries and had even planted tea bushes in the surrounding area. Pilgrims to the area were few because there were no fast food outlets and bars.
This has now been remedied and McMalupaan Corporation has several outlets including one at the summit. There is no bar at the moment but visitors are allowed to bring their own liquor. There are plans for a Heliport (for disabled politicians) and a cable car (for people with foreign exchange).
Tea bushes have been uprooted and the Dalhousie area concreted over to build a children’s’ play area.
Tea now comes out of packets.

Beruwala Beach Drug and Sex Centre
Years ago Beruwala was a boring, smelly old sleepy fishing village with no outboard motors. The disgusting fishermen wore amudes! In public! It is now a haven for druggies, touts and paediatricians (You have used that joke before! - Ed).
Gone are the nasty coral reefs, cowries, sea cucumbers, starfish, man eating sharks, electric eels, Portuguese Man o' War, Karavala, Muslims and spiny sea urchins. Instead, on a leisurely stroll along the beach, you will find a wide variety of colourful and exotic used hypodermic needles and condoms.
Colourful local beach boys, touts and pimps will harass you and relieve you of your money.
You will be thrilled by the loud exhaust note of massive outboard engines. A few disgusting fishermen still exist but they will be kicked out soon.
The old lighthouse on Barberyn Island,which is a relic from our colonial past, is to be demolished and a high rise hotel will soon take its place.
OTHER NATURE RESERVES

Colombo Fort Station

Ideal spot for frustrated-commuter-animal-behaviour watching.
Peradeniya University

A good spot for animal watching!
Parliament Kotte
The best spot for animal watching
Health Dept. Head Office
Watch the apes stretching rubber bands and straightening paperclips. Don't miss!
Hulugalla Walawwa
See the fossilised remains of the Lanka Chronicosaurus Rex here!
OTHER MAJOR TOURIST ATTRACTIONS
*Kilinochchi
Landmine spotter's paradise!
*Chenkaladi

Ditto!
*Kankesanturai

Ideal spot for trainspotters!
*Garment factories
These may be found in most parts of Sri Lanka. Ask your local tout.
*McDonalds of Fort

Next to the old Nectar Cafe.
*Rosy Senanayake

By appointment only
*Ranil Wickremesinghe

No appointment required. Anything to get a pic in the press...
*Burnt Out Aircraft Museum, Katunayake
Ask at airport or LTTE HQ
*The Peking Hotel, Lipton's Circus
Specialises in stir fried cat.
Advertisingment
The
UNP Elephant Sanctuary at Pinnawela is a must for all visitors to this country. Watch the fat bastards (animals! - Ed) wallowing in the mud (in the river! - Ed) These nashty creatures (likable pachyderms! - Ed) are a nuisance (are a boon! - Ed)....I give up! Ahhhh!
VOL 2 NO 18 ..................................... Kilinochchi Landmine Chicken
The latest cuisine from the Kilingnochchi Fields!
Butcher's Open Fast Food Chain.

prabhakaran's kilinochchi landmine chickenTM

Colonel Sandhurst says!

Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken says
Advertisement
KLCTM
Kilinochchi Landmine Chicken! Latest cuisine from Sri Lanka
Send us the recipe for "Landmine Chicken" and win a ONE MILLION prize!
Use your imagination!
e-mail
In 1979, Colonel Velu Prabha of Sri Lanka first gave the world a taste of his most famous creation,
Original Recipe The Suicide Bomber dressed as Kentucky Fried Chicken, featuring that secret blend of 11 explosives including Nitroglycerine, Tri Nitro Toluene and Picric Acid together with herbs and spices.

Since that time, millions of people the world over have died horrible deaths and have come to utterly dislike his one of a kind blasting chicken.
We still take pride in doing things The Colonel's way, utilizing only the highest quality ingredients, innovative recipes, delaying tactics and time-tested cooking-the-books methods.
So come and dine with us, bring your own artificial leg or take some home - any way you like it.
Only KLC has so much tasty chicken, fresh from our butchers and our kitchens, just for you.

Attapattu of Vavuniya says: "Would have been Finger Lickin' Good...if I had fingers..."

(Not Kosher or Halal. May contain psychopathic nutters. Norwegians welcome! Stop at Kilinochi on the main Colombo-Yalpanam road. We are near the LTTE HQ. Bring bogus passport. Stolen credit cards accepted)
KLCTM
 
SHOCK!
PRESIDENT CHANDRAPALA IS A MAN!
All eyes on Dr. Subash - 'I'm a she'
(Daily Mirror 30-05-2003)
By Palitha Ariyawansa

The cynosure of all eyes at the Badulla general hospital is young eye-specialist Subash Theminda Samarasinghe, not just because of an FRCP title but for another extra-ordinary reason.
30-year-old Dr. Subash Theminda Samarasinghe is not a male but a female. The male name came not only from an error in the birth certificate but also because of another rare biological phenomenon.
We asked her why most people thought she was a male. " That is the big problem I also have", Dr. Ms Subash said. "Most people generally tend to think that there are only males and females in the world. But there is another group. It is a scientific reality. In the womb, the presence or absence of testosterone hormone determines whether a child is male or female. But there are rare occasions when this gets mixed up." So, at birth she was registered under the male name, Subash and she studied at a boy's school - D. S. Senanayake College in Colombo. She faced the problem even when she entered the Colombo University's medical faculty but because of her growing knowledge of medicine, she was able to handle her rare condition.

Now Dr. Ms. Subash says some people have asked her to change her name to Subhashini Themindi and she could do that because the error in the birth certificate had been corrected through a court ruling. But looking at the whole issue in an enlightened and liberative way, she says she would also like to remain as Subash though she stresses the femininity.
All eyes on President Chandrapala - 'I'm a he'
(SCN)
By Ariyadasa Pandamsekera

The cynosure of all eyes in Sri Lanka is the old President of the country Mrs. Chandrapala Solomon West Ridgeway Dias Bandaranayaka Kumaratunga not because she is the President but for another extraordinary reason.
101 year old Chandrapala is not a female but a male. The male name is not an error in his birth certificate and is because of a rare biological phenomenon. (Clue: Her father was a Pry Minister!)
We asked her why most people thought she was a male. "That is because there are no men in this country and the Pry Minister is a woman according to all the people who do not want peace in this country and who want to hunt Tigers" said Chandrapala.
At birth she was registered as a female and she studied at St Bridget's Convent where she had to shave...and not only her legs!
"All the girls called me Chandrapala and at one stage I thought of going to Royal College except at that time there was an obnoxious chap by the name of Rani Wickremesinghe who is now the Pry Minister!"

The Pry Minister is considered to be a woman by the same people who want the war to continue. People have been sending him feminine underwear just like Dutu Gamunu did to his dad King Kavantissa who refused to fight with the Tigers.
See our previous feature about the Pry Minister being a woman!


(Yesh! We are running out of jokes!)
doctor subash or subashini Left: Dr Subash or Subashini
Right: President Chandrika or Chandrapala
president chandrika or chandrapala of sri lanka
Western Province Governor Alavi Moulana at the scene where Southern Provincial Minister M.K. Ranjith alias 'Chandi Malli' was shot dead yesterday. (Daily Mirror 26-05-2003)
Dead Minister is no longer a Thug!
buy our politikal correspondent ForaFistful o' Rupees Singhe
(Shouldn't that be ex-dead Minister was a thug or...or...ex-thug no longer Minister or Dead Minister No Longer Thug!?...please Editor Sir?)
Today a well known thug by the name of "Chandi Malli"
(Trans: "Naughty Younger Brother") aka "Scarface" aka "The Man With No Name" aka " Boralupona Ranjith" aka "Kabara Pukaah" aka "His Hon. The Provincial Minister of the Southern Province" aka...(Thatsh enough aka's! - Ed) was killed by a shot being fired from a gun which happened to be aiming at...in... the general direction of the Hon. Minister...and..and Aiyo! wasn't there blood all over the clean pavement?...and then the other thugs...coming to see the dead body and what sort of a crime scene is this if the Police have a quick "look-see" before the body was carted away for a Phorensic Pose Mortem....
chandi malli aka Provincial Minister M.K Ranjith gets it
Serious Editorial comment: For once we at Crazylanka have broken our own self imposed restriction on publishing pictures of dead bodies on our crazy site (The Daily Mirror published this pic first!) We of course do not believe in kicking a man when he is down..or rather, dead... but on thish occasion we thought it was justified to re-publish this picture merely to kick the establishment and the idiots who keep the establishment in power, in their collective arses! What sort of idiots would allow a man with the acquired name of "Chandi Malli" to be elected to power? Is the country being run by thugs?
As the good old Bible says: "Those Who Live By The Sword Will Die By The Sword!".......

Should the JVP with its violent past be allowed to contest elections in La Paz, Bolivia?....Shorry! Colombo, Sri Lanka!
VOL2 NO 17  The Future Is Rosy!
The Island (Sunday 17th May 2003) Dishing out diplomatic gravy out of public coffers by Shamindra Ferdinando: Former Mrs. World Rosy Senanayake will be taking over Sri Lanka's High Commission in Malaysia on Monday.
LANKA AMBASSADOR WINS BEAUTY CONTEST!
By our Diplomatic Corr. Chandrika Bandaranayake Kumaratunga (Miss Sri Lanka 1949)
Today the newly appointed Sri Lankan Ambassador to Malaysia, Mr. Roshan "Rosy" Senanayake won a Beauty Contest and was crowned Mrs Sri Lanka.

Ring-a-Ring-a-Rosy! A pocketful of Rosy! A-tishoo! A-tishoo....
(Thatsh not enough Rosy! - Ed)

Rosy Posy who was a career diplomat, is the first career diplomat to win a beauty contest. For the last 20 years the post of Ambassador to Malaysia was always filled by boring, gorgeous, pouting Beauty Queens. In his great wisdom the God of Sri Lanka, Ranadeva Wickremasinghe, with the approval of God Chandralatha Vishnu, decided to appoint a boring old grey suited career diplomat by the name of Roshan "Rosy" Senanayake to thish prestidigitous post.

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
But no sooner had the Gorgeous Pouting Rosy Senanayake stepped on to the tarmac at Kula Lumpur International Airport when she was crowned as a Beauty Queen!
COR! Our Ambassador in Malaysia. Isn't He A Beaut!  

Rosy Senanayaka once advertised Panadol!Rosy Senanayake. Sri Lanka's Ambassador to Malaysia
LEFT: Roshan advertising Panadol
RIGHT: Library pic of Mr. Roshan "Rosy" Senanayake as a boring diplomat before he won a beauty Contest!
We pay for pics of Rosy! Write to us!
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!
The prestidigitous Daily Noise suffers from split personality and changes its views after every election...

"The Future is very very very Rosy!...
The Daily News May 2003

"A withered has-been beauty!"....
The Daily News March 2001

The Daily Pol-Thel has always been consistent in its views about Bernadine Rose Ramanayake:
"Cor! Ain't she a Beaut!?"
An Apology
In line with most right thinking newspapers of Sri Lanka, we of the Daily Pol-thel may have in the past referred to our Ambassadors around the world as "Boring Old Farts" and we may have implied that their appointments were largely influenced by nepotism.

We now realise that thish is not the case and we offer our humble apologies to the Sri Lankan Diplomatic Services. We are happy to set the record straight and admit that Mrs Rosy Senanayake is the most Gorgeous Pouting Beauty Queen that ever ...Her appointment had absolutely nothing to do with nepotism!
PLEASE NOTE: Crazylanka wishes to make it clear that our Agony Aunt Podi Nona is NOT Rosy Senanayake in spite of rumours circulating on the web.
An Ode To Rosy
Rosies are green my love
Chandrika's blue (oo-oo)
Saccharin is sweet my love,
But it's not Hakkur-oo (oo-oo!)


With apologisation to the late Jim Reeves and Cindy Walker

 COMING SOON!

More Gorgeous Pouting Potos of Rosy Senanayake!
Famous painting of Rosy Senanayake by Andy Warhol Left: The famous painting of Rosy Senanayake by the famous artist Andy Warhol which now hangs at the UNP H.Q. (Click image for bigger pic)


Wall to wall Roses
rosy senanayake as Mrs World
The lovely Rosy who is now tipped to be the next President of Sri Lanka!
101THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ROSY but were afraid to ask!
1. Real name: Bernadine Rose Ramanayake.
2. Wore nappies as a baby.
3. Educated at a stupid school by the name of St. Bridgets.
4. Her husband is NOT Mr. World.
5. Has an ugly vaccination mark on her left upper arm, outer aspect.
6. Once worked as a hostess in a night club.
7. Favourite food is not Vaddai.
8. Known to drink water.
9. Has not acted in a Jamesh Bond film!
10. Er...That'sh it!
STOP PRESS! Rosy tipped to be next President of Sri Lanka.
News emerging tonight from sources close to Rosy indicate that she might be Sri Lanka's next President....(SCN 2 hrs ago)

The Daily Pol-Thel says:
GOOD! OH GOODO GOOD! HURRAH! (and other similar expressions of exultation)
It is about time we had a better looking woman President.

The present incumbent is well past the "Best Before" date and..

Why the Daily Pol-Thel backs Rosy for President: Cor! Isn't she gorgeous?
VOL 2 NO 16
SARIS CASES REPORTED IN LONDON!
by our London corr. Reggie "chicken" Balti-Fernando (with rice). 14th May 2003 (SCN)
Cherie Blair wears Sari
9 MAY 2003 Tony Blair's wife Cherie made a striking entrance at an Asian awards ceremony by wearing a cream and gold sari complete with a bindi.
Nashty Eastern Disease Hits London!
The mysterious Eastern disease known as SARIS today struck middle aged Westerners who want to suck up to the Asian community to help their husbands win the next election.
The Dictator Blair Hussein has not been seen since the Gulf War when his popularity plummeted...A woman in a sari and wearing a fixed smile and claiming to be Cherie Blair was seen at a London location and was immediatly placed in quarantine at the main Infectious Diseases Hospital (IDH) in London at No 10 Downing Street....
MORE PICS AT CRAZYPICS link to pic
MAN CUTS TREE!
man cuts tree
A fallen green giant being removed from across the Bauddhaloka Mawatha (Unknown photographer/The Island. 14th May 2003. Modifications by crazylanka)
For some inexplicable reason "The Island" of the 14th May, inspite of more newsworthy news in the form of the developing constitutional crisis between my former classmates Ranil and Chandralatha, decided to publish this picture of a man cutting a fallen tree on its home page!
****
Is "The Island" following in the footsteps of "The Daily Noise"? Is there a lot of milk-ing and honey-ing in the old Republic? Is this pic symbolic? Is there a hidden meaning? Fallen GREEN giant?
Listen chaps! Publish some sherious news and leave the crazy stuff to us!
   
[ColomboPage News Desk, Sri Lanka] May 11, Colombo: LTTE ideologue Anton Balasingham was rushed from Kilinochchi Sunday to be taken to London to attend to post-transplant medical problems, the Norwegian Embassy in Colombo said. He was taken in a Sri Lanka Air Force helicopter and was expected to leave Colombo Sunday night.
ANTON "KIDNEY" BALA GETS VIP TREATMENT!
by our corr. Norma Palihawadana (aged 82)
Meanwhile the poor pheasants...the patience..the...the.. (peasants or patients-Ed) line up at the Jeneral (General-Ed) Hospitals!
----------------------------------------------------insert dividing line here-----------------------------------------------
Today a very very very very very important person by the name of Anton "Wakugadu" Balasingham who was once a terrorrisamist (check word!-Ed) but not anymore was flied...flown..in an Airforce Helikaputa just because his kidnies..kidneys...had packed up and he couldn't wee-wee...but then according to the majority Sinhale peepol of this glorious island he, thish Balasingham chap, has been wee-weeing on all of us sinhala peepol and so he deserves to be unable to wee-wee! How is that editor Sir!? Can I...am I aloud....allowed to say "Ha! Ha!"?
Williyong Gates Launches Windows Sinhala Version
by our corr. Subashini Mahadevi
Today with a little bit of help from William Gates, a Sri Lankan chap launched the Sinhala version of Windows, or as it is called in Sinhala: Microsoft Janela

CLICK FOR FREE DOWNLOAD
HAPPY RANASINGHE PREMADASA DAY!
On the Glorious first day of Glorious May our Glorious President R. Premadasa got Gloriously blown up by a Glorious terrorist...(Terrorists are no longer Glorious! Say Glorious once more and I will blow you up!-Ed)
Me Rate inna minussu

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