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| VOL 2 NO
19 |
Environmental Special Issue (Green
Issue) |
|
TOTAL IDIOTS...
Earlier hoards of totally unfit idiots from places as
far as New Zealand and Burkina Faso were literally falling over each other
trying to get to the top.
" We are
environmentally conscious," said Tenzing "Susanthika" Sirisena a
spokesman/woman for the Ministry of Parks, Silly Silly Bags and Cemeteries
of Sri Lanka.
"We don’t
believe in polluting a sacred mountain with oxygen cylinders, human excreta,
empty beer cans and dead bodies. Besides the Nepalese government have banned
Silly-Silly bags"
When challenged
about the pollution on Siri Pada mountain (Adam's Peak) and Horton’s
Plains of Sri Lanka the spokesman became aggressive.
A spokesman for the independent Tamil province of Eelam, Muruga
Swamimalai said that they had not sent a climber to Everest either because
of problems of pollution.
"We have
buggered up our own environment as it is, with literally shillions of landmines
all over the place and we are not planning to lay landmines on Everest"
|
|
| WHAT EVEREST MAY HAVE LOOKED LIKE IF WE GOT
THERE! |
|
 |
|
Dear Ed,
That
fat-fat, nashty-nashty, bloody-bloody, forei-giner Hillary (hic!) lary got to
the top before me...bastard! bastard! bastard! bastard!
What shall I do? - Anonymous from
Kathmandu-kurunda. |
|
|
A JVP spokesman said "We are planning an expedition to Nepal
to support the Maoist rebels in overthrowing the Nepalese monarchy and
slaughtering everybody in sight…." |
| OTHER NEWS: Lankans Preserve
Environment! |
Fifty years on after independence Sri Lanka has achieved major goals
in the fight to save the environment
by
Marie Colvin Monsanto-Corporation of *classified*
What we have
achieved:
Wellawatte
canal has been converted into a major sewer.
Disgustingly clean and sparkling water once flowed in this Dutch
built canal but with the consistent effort of locals and with the inaction of
the Colombo Municipal Council it has now been converted into a major sewage
outlet.
By the simple process of
allowing people to squat along its banks and build wooden toilets over the edge
the canal has been converted into a nature lovers’ paradise. Instead of
disgusting and ugly fish, a large number of brown floating objects and dead
cats may be spotted on a good day.
Wear a gas mask when visiting.
Horton’s Plains is a
major Garbage Reserve.
During
Colonial times this so-called nature reserve was filled with disgusting British
huntsmen shouting "Tally-Ho" and other disgusting swear words and cruelly
hunting foxes and other innocent animals against the teaching of Buddha. They
were supported by local trouser wearing colonial types who have now thankfully
immigrated to Australia.
Now on a good
day a large number of different types of Silly Silly bags and empty Arrack
bottles can be spotted. Most of the disgusting native Rhododendron plants have
been systematically "scorch earthed". Baila singing drunk and happy people from
all walks of life now visit the park everyday by the tractor load. Even Karawe
people are now allowed into the park.
The Farr Inn, a symbol of colonialism, still stands but is to be
destroyed and a chaitya built on the site.
Adam’s Peak is now a
major theme park with McMalupaan outlets.
Fifty years ago Adam’s Peak was a dangerous place with wild
animals, jungles and crystal clear cold streams cascading down the Peak
Wilderness Sanctuary. The Colonials had neglected the area for centuries and
had even planted tea bushes in the surrounding area. Pilgrims to the area were
few because there were no fast food outlets and bars.
This has now been remedied and McMalupaan
Corporation has several outlets including one at the summit. There is no
bar at the moment but visitors are allowed to bring their own liquor. There are
plans for a Heliport (for disabled politicians) and a cable car (for people
with foreign exchange).
Tea bushes have
been uprooted and the Dalhousie area concreted over to build a
children’s’ play area.
Tea
now comes out of packets.
Beruwala Beach Drug and
Sex Centre
Years ago Beruwala was a
boring, smelly old sleepy fishing village with no outboard motors. The
disgusting fishermen wore amudes! In public! It is now a haven for druggies,
touts and paediatricians (You have used that joke before!
- Ed).
Gone are the nasty coral
reefs, cowries, sea cucumbers, starfish, man eating sharks, electric eels,
Portuguese Man o' War, Karavala, Muslims and spiny sea urchins. Instead, on a
leisurely stroll along the beach, you will find a wide variety of colourful and
exotic used hypodermic needles and condoms.
Colourful local beach boys, touts and pimps will harass
you and relieve you of your money.
You
will be thrilled by the loud exhaust note of massive outboard engines. A few
disgusting fishermen still exist but they will be kicked out
soon.
The old lighthouse on Barberyn
Island,which is a relic from our colonial past, is to be demolished and a high
rise hotel will soon take its place. |
|
| OTHER NATURE
RESERVES |
Colombo Fort Station
Ideal spot for frustrated-commuter-animal-behaviour
watching.
Peradeniya University
A good spot for animal watching!
Parliament Kotte
The
best spot for animal watching
Health Dept. Head Office
Watch the apes stretching rubber bands and straightening paperclips.
Don't miss!
Hulugalla
Walawwa
See the fossilised remains
of the Lanka Chronicosaurus Rex here! |
|
| OTHER MAJOR TOURIST
ATTRACTIONS |
*Kilinochchi
Landmine spotter's
paradise!
*Chenkaladi
Ditto!
*Kankesanturai
Ideal spot for trainspotters!
*Garment factories
These may be found in most parts of Sri Lanka. Ask your local
tout.
*McDonalds of Fort
Next
to the old Nectar Cafe.
*Rosy Senanayake
By appointment only
*Ranil
Wickremesinghe
No appointment
required. Anything to get a pic in the press...
*Burnt Out Aircraft Museum, Katunayake
Ask at airport or LTTE HQ
*The Peking Hotel, Lipton's Circus
Specialises in stir fried cat. |
|
| Advertisingment |
The
UNP Elephant Sanctuary at
Pinnawela is a must for all visitors to this country. Watch the fat
bastards (animals! - Ed) wallowing
in the mud (in the river! - Ed) These
nashty creatures (likable pachyderms! -
Ed) are a nuisance (are a boon! -
Ed)....I give up! Ahhhh! |
|
|
| VOL 2 NO 18 ..................................... Kilinochchi Landmine Chicken |
|
The
latest cuisine from the Kilingnochchi Fields!
Butcher's Open Fast Food
Chain.
 TM |
Colonel Sandhurst says!
 |
Advertisement
KLCTM
Kilinochchi Landmine Chicken! Latest cuisine from Sri
Lanka
Send us the
recipe for "Landmine Chicken" and win a ONE MILLION prize!
Use your imagination!
e-mail
In 1979, Colonel Velu Prabha of Sri Lanka
first gave the world a taste of his most famous creation,
Original Recipe The Suicide
Bomber dressed as Kentucky Fried Chicken, featuring that secret
blend of 11 explosives including Nitroglycerine, Tri Nitro Toluene and
Picric Acid together with herbs and spices. |
Since that time, millions of people the
world over have died horrible deaths and have come to utterly dislike his one
of a kind blasting chicken.
We still take pride in doing things The Colonel's way,
utilizing only the highest quality ingredients, innovative recipes, delaying
tactics and time-tested cooking-the-books methods.
So come and dine with us, bring your
own artificial leg or take some home - any way you like it.
Only KLC has so much tasty chicken,
fresh from our butchers and our kitchens, just for you.
Attapattu of Vavuniya says: "Would have
been Finger Lickin' Good...if
I had fingers..."
(Not Kosher or Halal. May contain psychopathic nutters. Norwegians
welcome! Stop at Kilinochi on the main Colombo-Yalpanam
road. We are near the LTTE HQ. Bring bogus passport. Stolen credit cards
accepted)
KLCTM |
|
| |
|
SHOCK!
PRESIDENT CHANDRAPALA IS A MAN! |
|
All eyes on Dr. Subash - 'I'm a she'
(Daily Mirror 30-05-2003)
By Palitha Ariyawansa
The cynosure of all eyes at the Badulla general hospital is
young eye-specialist Subash Theminda Samarasinghe, not just because of an FRCP
title but for another extra-ordinary reason.
30-year-old Dr. Subash
Theminda Samarasinghe is not a male but a female. The male name
came not only from an error in the birth certificate but also because of
another rare biological phenomenon.
We asked her why most people thought
she was a male. " That is the big problem I also have", Dr. Ms Subash said.
"Most people generally tend to think that there are only males and females in
the world. But there is another group. It is a scientific reality. In the womb,
the presence or absence of testosterone hormone determines whether a child is
male or female. But there are rare occasions when this gets mixed up." So, at
birth she was registered under the male name, Subash and she studied at a boy's
school - D. S. Senanayake College in Colombo. She faced the problem even when
she entered the Colombo University's medical faculty but because of her growing
knowledge of medicine, she was able to handle her rare
condition.
Now Dr. Ms.
Subash says some people have asked her to change her name to Subhashini
Themindi and she could do that because the error in the birth certificate had
been corrected through a court ruling. But looking at the whole issue in an
enlightened and liberative way, she says she would also like to remain as
Subash though she stresses the femininity. |
All eyes on President Chandrapala -
'I'm a he'
(SCN)
By
Ariyadasa Pandamsekera
The cynosure of all eyes in Sri Lanka is
the old President of the country Mrs. Chandrapala Solomon West Ridgeway Dias
Bandaranayaka Kumaratunga not because she is the President but for another
extraordinary reason.
101 year old Chandrapala is not a
female but a male. The male name is not an error in his birth certificate and
is because of a rare biological phenomenon. (Clue: Her
father was a Pry Minister!)
We asked
her why most people thought she was a male. "That is because there are no men
in this country and the Pry Minister is a woman according to all the people who
do not want peace in this country and who want to hunt Tigers" said
Chandrapala.
At birth she was registered as a female and she studied at St
Bridget's Convent where she had to shave...and not only her legs!
"All the
girls called me Chandrapala and at one stage I thought of going to Royal
College except at that time there was an obnoxious chap by the name of Rani
Wickremesinghe who is now the Pry Minister!"
The Pry Minister is considered to be a woman by the same people
who want the war to continue. People have been sending him feminine underwear
just like Dutu Gamunu did to his dad King Kavantissa who refused to fight with
the Tigers.
See our previous feature about the Pry
Minister being a woman!
(Yesh! We
are running out of jokes!) |
|
 |
Left: Dr Subash or Subashini
Right: President Chandrika or
Chandrapala |
 |
|
Western Province Governor Alavi Moulana at the scene where Southern
Provincial Minister M.K. Ranjith alias 'Chandi Malli' was shot dead yesterday.
(Daily Mirror 26-05-2003)
Dead Minister is no longer a Thug!
buy our politikal correspondent ForaFistful o'
Rupees Singhe
(Shouldn't that be ex-dead Minister was a thug or...or...ex-thug no
longer Minister or Dead Minister No Longer Thug!?...please Editor Sir?)
|
Today a well
known thug by the name of "Chandi Malli"
(Trans: "Naughty Younger Brother") aka
"Scarface" aka "The Man With No Name" aka " Boralupona Ranjith" aka "Kabara
Pukaah" aka "His Hon. The Provincial Minister of the Southern Province"
aka...(Thatsh enough aka's! - Ed) was killed by a
shot being fired from a gun which happened to be aiming at...in... the general
direction of the Hon. Minister...and..and Aiyo! wasn't there blood all over the
clean pavement?...and then the other thugs...coming to see the dead body and
what sort of a crime scene is this if the Police have a quick "look-see" before
the body was carted away for a Phorensic Pose Mortem....
|
 |
Serious Editorial comment: For once we at Crazylanka have
broken our own self imposed restriction on publishing pictures of dead bodies
on our crazy site (The Daily Mirror published this pic first!) We of course do
not believe in kicking a man when he is down..or rather, dead... but on thish
occasion we thought it was justified to re-publish this picture merely to kick
the establishment and the idiots who keep the establishment in power, in their
collective arses! What sort of idiots would allow a man with the acquired name
of "Chandi Malli" to be elected to power? Is the country being run by thugs?
As the good old Bible says: "Those Who
Live By The Sword Will Die By The Sword!".......
Should the JVP with its
violent past be allowed to contest elections in La Paz, Bolivia?....Shorry!
Colombo, Sri Lanka! |
|
|
VOL2 NO 17 |
The Future Is
Rosy! |
|
The Island
(Sunday 17th May 2003) Dishing out diplomatic gravy out of public coffers by
Shamindra Ferdinando: Former Mrs. World Rosy Senanayake will be taking over Sri
Lanka's High Commission in Malaysia on Monday.
LANKA AMBASSADOR
WINS BEAUTY CONTEST!
By our Diplomatic Corr. Chandrika
Bandaranayake Kumaratunga (Miss Sri Lanka 1949)
Today the newly appointed Sri Lankan
Ambassador to Malaysia, Mr. Roshan "Rosy" Senanayake won a Beauty Contest and
was crowned Mrs Sri Lanka.
Ring-a-Ring-a-Rosy! A pocketful of Rosy! A-tishoo!
A-tishoo....
(Thatsh not enough Rosy! - Ed)
Rosy Posy who was a career diplomat, is the
first career diplomat to win a beauty contest. For the last 20 years the post
of Ambassador to Malaysia was always filled by boring, gorgeous, pouting Beauty
Queens. In his great wisdom the God of Sri Lanka, Ranadeva Wickremasinghe, with
the approval of God Chandralatha Vishnu, decided to appoint a boring old grey
suited career diplomat by the name of Roshan "Rosy" Senanayake to thish
prestidigitous post.
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
But no sooner had the Gorgeous Pouting Rosy
Senanayake stepped on to the tarmac at Kula Lumpur International Airport when
she was crowned as a Beauty Queen!
| COR! Our Ambassador in
Malaysia. Isn't He A Beaut! |
 
LEFT: Roshan advertising
Panadol
RIGHT: Library pic of Mr. Roshan "Rosy" Senanayake as a boring
diplomat before he won a beauty Contest!
We pay for pics
of Rosy! Write to
us!
|
| SPOT THE
DIFFERENCE! |
The prestidigitous Daily Noise suffers from split personality
and changes its views after every election...
"The
Future is very very very Rosy!...
The Daily News May 2003
"A withered has-been
beauty!"....
The Daily News
March 2001
The Daily Pol-Thel has always been consistent in its
views about Bernadine Rose Ramanayake:
"Cor! Ain't she a Beaut!?" |
|
|
An Apology
In line with most right
thinking newspapers of Sri Lanka, we of the Daily Pol-thel may have in the past
referred to our Ambassadors around the world as "Boring Old Farts" and we may
have implied that their appointments were largely influenced by nepotism.
We now realise that thish is
not the case and we offer our humble apologies to the Sri Lankan Diplomatic
Services. We are happy to set the record straight and admit that Mrs Rosy
Senanayake is the most Gorgeous Pouting Beauty Queen that ever ...Her
appointment had absolutely nothing to do with nepotism!
|
| PLEASE
NOTE: Crazylanka wishes to make it clear that our
Agony Aunt Podi Nona is NOT Rosy Senanayake in spite of rumours
circulating on the web. |
|
| An Ode To
Rosy |
Rosies are green my
love
Chandrika's blue (oo-oo)
Saccharin is sweet my love,
But it's not
Hakkur-oo (oo-oo!)
With apologisation to the late Jim Reeves and Cindy
Walker
|
|
COMING SOON!
More Gorgeous Pouting Potos of Rosy
Senanayake! |
|
 |
Left: The famous painting of Rosy Senanayake by the
famous artist Andy Warhol which now hangs at the UNP H.Q. (Click image for
bigger pic) |
Wall to wall Roses |
The lovely Rosy who
is now tipped to be the next President of Sri Lanka! |
|
| 101THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ROSY but were afraid
to ask! |
|
1. Real
name: Bernadine Rose
Ramanayake.
2. Wore nappies as a baby.
3. Educated at a stupid
school by the name of St. Bridgets.
4. Her husband is NOT Mr.
World.
5. Has an ugly vaccination mark on her left upper arm, outer
aspect.
6. Once worked as a hostess in a night club.
7. Favourite food is
not Vaddai.
8. Known to drink water.
9. Has not acted in a Jamesh Bond
film!
10. Er...That'sh it! |
|
STOP PRESS! Rosy tipped to be next President of Sri
Lanka.
News emerging tonight from sources
close to Rosy indicate that she might be Sri Lanka's next President....(SCN 2 hrs ago)
The Daily Pol-Thel
says:
GOOD! OH GOODO GOOD! HURRAH! (and
other similar expressions of exultation)
It is about time we had a
better looking woman President.
The present
incumbent is well past the "Best Before" date and..
Why the Daily
Pol-Thel backs Rosy for President: Cor! Isn't she gorgeous? |
|
|
| VOL 2 NO 16 |
|
SARIS CASES REPORTED IN
LONDON!
by our London
corr. Reggie "chicken" Balti-Fernando (with rice). 14th May 2003
(SCN) |
| |
9 MAY 2003 Tony Blair's wife Cherie made a striking
entrance at an Asian awards ceremony by wearing a cream and gold sari complete
with a bindi. |
Nashty Eastern Disease Hits
London!
The mysterious Eastern
disease known as SARIS today struck middle aged Westerners who want to suck up
to the Asian community to help their husbands win the next election.
The Dictator Blair Hussein has not been seen
since the Gulf War when his popularity plummeted...A woman in a sari and
wearing a fixed smile and claiming to be Cherie Blair was seen at a
London location and was immediatly placed in quarantine at the main Infectious
Diseases Hospital (IDH) in London at No 10 Downing Street....
MORE PICS AT CRAZYPICS
|
|
| MAN CUTS
TREE! |
A fallen green giant being removed from across the Bauddhaloka
Mawatha (Unknown photographer/The Island. 14th May 2003. Modifications by
crazylanka) |
For some inexplicable reason "The
Island" of the 14th May, inspite of more newsworthy news in the form of
the developing constitutional crisis between my former classmates Ranil and
Chandralatha, decided to publish this picture of a man cutting a fallen tree on
its home page!
****
Is
"The Island" following in the footsteps of "The Daily Noise"? Is there a lot of
milk-ing and honey-ing in the old Republic? Is this pic symbolic? Is there a
hidden meaning? Fallen GREEN giant?
Listen chaps! Publish some sherious news
and leave the crazy stuff to us! |
[ColomboPage News Desk, Sri Lanka] May
11, Colombo: LTTE ideologue Anton Balasingham was rushed from Kilinochchi
Sunday to be taken to London to attend to post-transplant medical problems, the
Norwegian Embassy in Colombo said. He was taken in a Sri Lanka Air Force
helicopter and was expected to leave Colombo Sunday night.
ANTON "KIDNEY" BALA GETS VIP
TREATMENT!
by our corr. Norma
Palihawadana (aged 82)
Meanwhile the
poor pheasants...the patience..the...the.. (peasants or patients-Ed) line up at the Jeneral (General-Ed) Hospitals!
----------------------------------------------------insert
dividing line
here-----------------------------------------------
Today
a very very very very very important person by the name of Anton "Wakugadu"
Balasingham who was once a terrorrisamist (check word!-Ed) but not anymore was
flied...flown..in an Airforce Helikaputa just because his
kidnies..kidneys...had packed up and he couldn't wee-wee...but then according
to the majority Sinhale peepol of this glorious island he, thish Balasingham
chap, has been wee-weeing on all of us sinhala peepol and so he deserves to be
unable to wee-wee! How is that editor Sir!? Can I...am I aloud....allowed to
say "Ha! Ha!"? |
Williyong Gates Launches
Windows Sinhala Version
by our
corr. Subashini Mahadevi
Today with a
little bit of help from William Gates, a Sri Lankan chap launched the Sinhala
version of Windows, or as it is called in Sinhala: Microsoft
Janela
CLICK FOR FREE DOWNLOAD |
HAPPY RANASINGHE
PREMADASA DAY!
On the Glorious first
day of Glorious May our Glorious President R. Premadasa got Gloriously blown up
by a Glorious terrorist...(Terrorists are no longer
Glorious! Say Glorious once more and I will blow you
up!-Ed)
 |
INDEX