VOL 2 NO 22	The Bulk Issue
AIRPORT LANDS HOLLYWOOD PART! Today an unknown bit-part player in the Sri Lankan political theatre landed a major role in the forthcoming Hollywood film The Bulk! By our corr Roxy Cinema (SCN 14-7-2003) Previously Anura Katunayake, who was named after the airport, had played minor roles mostly as a supporting actor in films starring his sister Chandranikumari Horagolla. The airport who is grossly overweight was generally thought to be finished until a Hollywood talent scout spotted his amazing ability to change colour...usually after losing an election. The Bulk's late father Solomon West Ridgeway Dias Memorial-Hall, who was a very famous actor in his day, was not fat. The Bulk now associates with ultra-leftists looney tunes from the former Cambodian regime... The Man Who Can Change His Colour... ... After Every Election! He was once Blue, then Green and now Red! The Amazing TechnicolorTM Man! Coming Soon! and Present .........Anura Bandaranayake Airport as the Incredibubble A Mc MaluPaan Corp Production with Tylwyn Polpot as Himself At a cinema near you: Liberty, Majestic, Lido, Regal, Plaza, Navah, Java, Sumatra, Borneo... If you like this sort of craziness CLICK for better, bigger poster The premier of the latest Hollywood blockbuster: The Bulk They live on the fat of the land! Leftist to right: Anura "Bulk" Airport, The Pry Minister and the Moustache Rajapassa Pic by Chatura S. Kodikara/Daily Mirror 14-7-2003 Things You Didn't Know About The Bulk! 1.Real name: Anura Katunayake 2.Teetotaler 3.Er...Thatsh it! She-male drug dealer nabbed in Pettah By Senaka De Silva (Daily Mirror 8-7-2003) A male drug dealer disguised as a woman with ear-rings and well-developed breasts was nabbed yesterday near the Pettah Bodhiya by sleuths of the Colombo Narcotics Bureau. Narcotics Inspector Amarajith de Silva said the suspect had 1500 mgs of high quality brown sugar concealed in his (Pink? - Ed) underwear. (Original story) Inspector de Silva said the suspect identified as Nimal from Kahangama in Ratnapura dressed in a blouse and jeans was also wearing a pair of earrings. 'We first thought that the suspect was a sex worker loitering about to draw the attention of prospective customers. Later we suspected that 'she' might be a drug dealer. Known to her associates in Pettah as Rohini, the suspect was said to be also operating in Gokarella, Kurunegala and Nikaweratiya areas", he said. The suspect who is also believed to be a drug addict was to be produced before the Colombo JMO to determine her sex as police claim the suspect had well developed breasts. How To Spot Sri Lankan Girls! Look like drug dealers.. Wear bras.. Usually stand to attention when being photographed Police Look For Girls by our corr Pagaratne Ralahami (SCN) Suddenly, the Sri Lankan Police have been galvanised into action and are using any form of transport that they can get their hands on! They have been roaming the streets looking for girls. Bra Search Siriyawathi of Kirillapone said " The streets are not safe anymore. I was stopped by an Inspector who wanted to search my bra for drugs!" "They even searched me!" proudly said 75 year old Babi Aachchi of Babi's Bicycle Bazaar of Panchikawatte Road. "They are that desperate!" she added. "Apart from a pair of old rusty bicycle nuts there was nothing on me!" Left: She could be a man! (Image pinched from Harris Hulugalla's Lanka Chronic a good source of nice pics of Sri Lankan females) Right: Coppers on bikes. Thanks to the usual ideas men...and women! - Ed How To Spot Sri Lankan Policemen Wear Khaki uniforms.. Usually found at Police Stations or taverns.. Never accept bribes.. (Er...Thatsh enough! _Ed)  How To Spot Sri Lankan Drug Dealers Males, but look like females...wear pink knickers and bras.. Operate from Police and Customs premises.. Associate with politicians.. Frequently visit banks... Frequently visit Thailand... Run pharmacies (Are you sure? - Ed) Other stories on transgender: PM Is A Man! President Is A Man!

VOL 2 NO 21	Pinda-patha Issue
Thai Buddhist monk donates 10,000 US dollars to flood victims Daily News Matara Correspondent (Who he?-Ed) (02-07-2003) Dry rations, milk foods, biscuits, Arrack, plastic basins and jugs, school books etc. were recently distributed among 2,600 families in the Matara district. This was done on the basis of priority lists furnished by the Gramaseva Niladaries of the respective areas to whom I am (Who he?-Ed) very very very very much obliged! Gift parcels were distributed at Bauddha Madyastanaya (Buddhists Centre) at Station Road, Matara.  Let Them Eat Bread! "If they haven't got cake, let them eat bread! We keep the cake!" Marie Antoinette in "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charlie Dickman-Aiya. Adverse conditions like floods, drought and war are ideal for politicians...These days politicians include buddhist clergy... It was organised jointly by the incumbent of Thapodanarama, Mt. Lavinia, Anunayake of Amarapura Saddamma Nikaya - Ven. Rajakeeya Panditha Talalle Dhammaloka Thera, and the Head of Matara Buddhists Centre Jothisasthra-Visarada - Ven. Kamburupitiye Wimala (Vimala!?-Ed)Thera. (Wot? No Crazylanka Thera?) Self Publicity Ven. Talalle Dhammaloka Thera said due to the publicity made through print and electronic media, the chief incumbent of International Buddhist Centre Taiwan - Ven. Grand Master Hsing Yun - Nayake Thera of Thailand promptly sought details from me (Who this guy?-Ed) regarding the disaster caused to the people of Sri Lanka by the recent floods. After my (Who this guy?-Ed) response Ven. Hsing Yun remitted 10,000 US dollars to provide relief to the flood stricken people. President Chandrika Bandaranaike Kumaratunga (Who she?-Ed) was informed of the donation and on her request, I undertook to distribute the donation among the most deserved (sic) families. (If you don't believe the above story go to the original shtory on the Daily Noise LINK) FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE! PINDA-PATHA OR BEGGING FOR ALMS Samaneras walk away with a gift of begging bowls (pattaras) received from a Thai Buddhist monk at the Gangaramaya in Colombo yesterday. Buddhist monks traditionally beg for alms carrying a begging bowl and Buddhist temples are moving to revive the practice amid fears of it fading away in recent times. - AFP photo by Sena Vidanagama **** Crazylanka hopes that the Mahanayake Theras will set an example by begging first....preferably on the streets of Colombo or Fort Railway Station....during the rush hour! Get real!  Mass Exodus Of Monks On Way To Bank of Ceyl...shorry Bankock causes Traffic Jam In Colombo Hundreds of Buddhist monks participating at yesterday's protest march in Colombo against the SLMM. Pic by Daminda Harsha Perera. That is of course the official version of events! We were brought up to believe that Buddhist Monks should be preaching peace from their temples. Not marching along the streets of Colombo causing more traffic jams! Disclaimer Crazylanka does not recieve any funding from Norway, Finland, Sweden, Eelam, Turkmenistan, Estonia, Liberia, Sudan, Congo, Upper Volta, Burkina Faso, Lao, Huddersfield, Seychelles, Madagascar, Cape Verde Islands, Vanuatu, Pitcairn Islands or Outer Mongolia... (Thatsh enough disclaiming! _Ed)  LATEST NEWS: Buddhist Monk Wins Lottery! Does not buy a Mercedes Benz!  LATEST NEWS: Buddhist Monk Wins Lottery! Does not buy a Mercedes Benz! Today a Buddhist Monk by the name of Rev. Narampanawe Rathanajothi of Bulathwelkandura won a Schillion Rupees on the Nashional Lotharaiya and promised not to buy a Mercedes Benz car because he already has two... OTHER NEWS   Long haired and Fungus-faced...Would you like to sit next to a guy like this on an aircraft? Never ever travel on an aircraft like thish! Think of the delay caused to other passengers! A Doctor Writes: There is a risk of transmitting viruses and other nasties on aircraft. Never ever travel with long hair or beards. Eating aircraft meals is no easy task. You don't want your beard dipping into someone else's meal do you? Long hair can harbour lice, mice, malaria, cholera, SARS, politicians and other creepy crawlies.. Ageing Hippy Beardo Wierdo Returns To Island! (by our Airport corr Pagaratna "Anydollars" Kallisamsekera 7-7-2003, SCN) Prof. Sarath "Kota" Kotagama who was awarded the Distinguished Service Award for Environment Education and Journalism 2003 by the International Society for Conservation Biology in USA arrived Sri Lanka on Saturday. Here, Prof. Kotagama on arrival at the BIA. On arrival he was mistaken for Sathya Shri Sai Baba or a Tiger Terrorist and given the works by Immigration and Customs who advised him to get a decent haircut, a shave and a new pinstriped suit if he ever wants to travel again. He was found not to be carrying Heroin or Cannabis. Earlier he had had problems in getting on to an aircraft at JFK New York where over zealous guards arrested him on the suspicion of belonging to Al-Quaeda or to the Baath Party. "It is quite simple! We arrest anybody with a beard!" said a Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane lookalike of the New York Police.... OTHER AWARDS WORTH COLLECTING DSA for Coconut Shell Craft DSA for Beach Boys and their services to Tourism DSA for Three-Wheeler Driver's services and their services to hitmen DSA for Encouraging Decent Haircuts and Shaving Namini Wijedasa Award for Tongue-in-cheek Journalism DSA for Trade Union Activities (You sure?- Ed) CRAZYLANKA TO CLOSE DOWN! not by our corr not from Matara (SCN) The crazy peepol of Srilanka as represented by myself (or should that be me) was..were.. finally and very very definitely pushed out and outmanured...outmanovered...er ...pushed out by this sort of so called serious publications like the Daily Noise who publish utter cowdung. (If you don't believe the above story go to the original shtory on the Daily Noise LINK) Who is this Matara guy? Does he run The Daily Noise? What ish his connection with El Presidente Chandrapala? Why wasnt my Darling friend Rani Wicks-Senanayake not mentioned in thish report? How do Buddhist monks get their hands on 10,0000 US Dollars? Is this a CIA plot? How do Buddhist monks get their hands on 10,0000 US Dollars? How do Buddhist monks get their hands on 10,0000 US Dollars? How do Buddhist monks get their hands on 10,0000 US Dollars? How do Buddhist monks get their hands on 10,0000 US Dollars? How do Buddhist monks get their hands on 10,0000 US Dollars? Didn't Gauthama Buddha say something about not having money?

WORLD EXCLUSIVE! FROM CRAZY AL-JAZEERA STOP PRESS! Other news papers pick up our exclusive Allah be praised! Comical Ali is alive! (By our corr. in Baghdad, Mullah allah uh Akbar Hakeem of Baseline Road, near Dematagoda, Colombo, Sri Lanka) Comical Ali is alive and well in Colombo! Today our comic hero Mohammed "Comical Ali" Whatsisname (see pic left column) was found alive and well in a Buddhist temple in a suburb of Colombo SriLanka known as Borella. Shaven headed and wearing saffron robes...shaffron robes? Shorry wrong shtory... Since the fall of the evil Bush regime in Iraq, (Bush? - Ed) there had been a serious shortage of funny material to fill up the idiotic pages of publications such as Al-Crazylanka. *** "We were sherioushly short (hic!) of news!" shaid...I mean said, the Editor of...(Get on with it! - Ed) It emerged that Ali had been secretly working for the Sri Lankan Ministry of Disinformation ("What drought? There is no drought in Sri Lanka! It is raining Cats and Camels!...I mean Cats and Infidel Dogs!") which should explain a lot about what has been happening lately in that old Banana Republic! "There is no sherious shortage of hair dye in ....and I did not lose my green beret..." "The information was correct, but the interpretations were not," he said. "I did my duty up to the last minute." From the official Comical Ali site STOP PRESS! Other news papers pick up our exclusive We at Crazy Al-Jazeera say: Welcome back Sir! We missed you in your absence! Tell us all about the Peace situation in Sri Lanka!..."What peace there is no peace.. The Infidel Dogs of Buddha/Siva (delete as appropriate) will/will not (delete as appropriate) pay the price of destroying our..."(Is thatsh enough Ed?) VOL 2 NO 20 Financial News Special Issue Sri Lanka Weather Forecast: Monday: Torrential rains (dhara nipatha) with floods and landslides. Hydro electric reservoirs overflowing. MPs distribute food parcels..........Tuesday: Severe drought and heatwave. Max. temp. 110 degrees Celsius. No electricity. MPs distribute bottled canal water (Eau de Canal No 5).........Wednesday: Cyclones with heavy rains (mora soorana wessa). Jaffna under six feet of water. Tigers launch new battle ship in Jaffna town..............Thursday: Monsoon fails. Drought. No electricity. MPs distribute candles............Friday: Snow and hail. Max. temp. -2 degrees Celsius. Ice cream sales drop. MPs distribute ice cream...........Saturday and Sunday: Weekend. No weather. ECONOMY IMPROVES! COUNTRY NOT ACTUALLY BANKRUPT! - El Presidente by Namini Tongue-in-cheek Dasa (SCN 18-6-2003) Inspite of Schillions of Rupees going missing from the President's Fund El Presidente insisted all was well with the economy of the Republic. Thousands of MPs now enjoy the credit facilities afforded by the new Janadhipathi Bank (JB) Accessible Card she said. Meanwhile the Pry Minister's men are entitled to the American Express style Green Card issued by the API UNP Bank. All politicians will therefore be able to send their children abroad to study in schools and universities such as Eton, Ascot (Ascot? - Ed), Harrogate (Shouldn't that be Harrow? - Ed), Cambridge, Oxbridge, Wadebridge, Forth Railway Bridge, Menai Straits Bridge, London Bridge and..... (Thatsh enough bridges! - Ed). *** But the proles need not despair! There are plans by the POONACBANKTM to issue bank cards to all women, children and insects....These have a lower credit limit of Rs 5 per day and are virtually useless. The McMalupaan Corporation said that they hope to.. ABOVE: The new Janadhipathi Bank Accessible credit card providing unlimited credit to MPs, Ministers, their families and bodyguards. Don't leave home without it! Now with added AirForce Miles! Apply now! Low APR of 0.01 percent! Lower than Barclaycard! Subject to status. Proles, bus drivers,trishaw drivers, fishermen and farmers do not qualify. No Tamils please! You must own your own house in Bambalapitiya or C7 and your own Mercedes Benz type transport. Letter from President essential! Not regulated by anyone. We are not part of Sampath Bank. LEFT: The new API UNP! Green American Express style card. Zero APR as long as we stay in power! Subject to status. Proles, bus drivers,trishaw drivers, fishermen and farmers do not qualify. No Tamils please! You must own your own house in Bambalapitiya or C7 and your own Mercedes Benz type transport. Letter from Pry Minister essential! Not regulated by anyone. We are not part of Sampath Bank. FINANCIAL NEWS FTSE Up 5, Dow Jones down 24, McMalupaan Up 18, Nikkei down 22, LTTE down since ceasefire, SLArmy ditto, Ranilindex up down, CBK updownupdown..........crazylanka up!....up! and (hic!) away! CRAZYLANKA LAUNCHES BANKING SERVICES! by Sampath Bankuwardena (API-SCN, Colombo, 19-6-2003) Today CRAZYLANKABANKTM of Borella (behind LIDO Cinema) announced the issue of its new Visa credit card (right). The internet based Crazylanka Corporation acquired the banking facilities recently after killing a rival banker by chucking a hand grenade into his Mercedes Benz car and then doing naughty things to his wife....(Cut that! - Ed). "We are very pleased" said a spokesperson for the bank "This gives us the chance to fleece the populace and make loads and loads of money for ourselves! That's what banks are there for!" The new card is available on the net as well. Send an e-mail to CRAZYLANKABANK Shorry! Due to popular demand you need to send 10 dollars (US). No longer free! FINANCIAL MATTERS: Sobering thought "Banker" in Cockney rhyming slang rhymes with something not generally discussed in polite company! COMMODITIES  LATEST!: Poonac prices up as McDonalds slide!.... Arrack sales increase...Coconut oil slips....Cowdung plops!... NATURAL RESOURCES Mineral Sands Corporation sells off large parts of seashore to Russia!............ Coral Reefs Corporation in talks with Arizona millionaire with view to selling reefs................Tokyo Maru takes over Beruwela Fisheries Corp..............Bangkok Gem Corporation buys Ratnapura!...Liptons buy tea plantation to improve tea production..........(Are you sure? - Ed)  MORE BARCLAYS BANKERS! Two top bankers of a well known bank for banking in Sri Lanka decided to join our CRAZYLANKA BANK. There are more Bankers and banking related pics at CRAZY PICS

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