VOL2 NO 30	...............Catholic Issue Anno Domini 2003
No Nobel Pizza For Him! Stick to MacDonalds!	NOBEL PIZZA PRIZE FAIL OLD MAN! SHOCKING NEGLECT OF THE ELDERLY! By our corr. Bishop Nicholas Good King Wenceslaus of Borella (hiding behind Catholic Press), Colombo SCN 10-10-2003 Today an old man by the name of John Paul the second, living in a rather run down seedy suburb of Rome known as The Vatican, was left to starve when a fast food delivery service by the name of The Nobel Pizza Prize Company failed to deliver a pizza as promised! The Pope was widely tipped to be the recipient of this prestidigitous prize and placed his order- deep pan with mozerella cheese, pineapple and pepperoni - in good time and well before his imminent retirement.
Schocking! Positively Schocking! " Schocking! Positively Schocking! Thish (hic!) is sheer neglect of the elderly" said a shabby old bearded man carrying a bottle of Mass Wine and speaking in Hebrew who only identified himself as God. "Myself and the Vatican were doing our best to see that the Pope got his Pizza but the Americans as usual stuck their dirty fingers in it and insisted on serving some unknown female in Iran first!" Not Halal! A spokesperson for the Nobel Pizza Prize Delivery Service apologised profusely and offered a voucher for a free meal for two. "What happened was we were told to deliver the Pizza to a John Paul of the Vatican but instead we delivered it to an unknown Muslim woman in Iran! It is as simple as that! She doesn't even like pepperoni! We don't want to lose customers but the Americans pay well...."
ON OTHER PAGES Pope Doesn't Get Nobel Peace Prize! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Iranian woman rejects pizza! "I asked for Domino Pizza! Not Nobel Pizza!" "Is Ranil A Pissa?" asks a mad woman who lives in Rosmead Place, Borella. "Is CrazyLanka Really Really Really Crazy?" we ask ourselves! Or are we just nuts?...Don't answer that last question! Does God drink Mass Wine or Buckfast Tonic Wine? Why Buddhists get drunk but never touch alcohol!  OTHER NEWS: The Nuttiness Goes On! Old Woman Assaults Army Chap With A Coconut! Major General Lohan Gunewardene, Chief of Staff of the Army being blessed by the Swamy of the Captain Gardens Kovil, Maradana in an event to mark the 54th anniversary of the Sri Lanka Army. — (Pic. by D. Banduwardena/The Island 8th Oct 2003) MORE CRAZY PICS
CHANDRIKA NEXT POPE! Third World Pope A Reality by our corr. Norman Palliyasekera (SCN Paiyagala, next to Toddy Tavern and The Church of St. Mary Of The Funny Looks 5-10-2003) The tiny Crazy Republic of Vatican was thrown into turmoil today when a dark skinned non-catholic woman announced her intention of contesting the Papal Elections. Holy God! Mrs Chandrika Kumaratunge St. Bridget, who was educated at the convent school of St. Solomon Bandaranaike in Colombo, said it was about time that the Catholic Church appointed a Third World Pope and a woman Pope. The Catholic Church has traditionally appointed pasta-eating Italians as Pope even though the first Pope was a Karawe man and a fisherman by the name of Peter. The Catholic Church doesn't like women priests although their icon Mary is a woman. Under the influence of the Americans, who get their fingers into everything, on the last occasion they did appoint a Pole by the name of Karol Wajisyourname who went by the alias of John Paul the Second. JP the second was responsible for causing chaos in his native Poland by helping a radical non-communist Vodka-soak by the name of Leiftright Walescanzska to take over the country. (You are excommunicated! - God) PAX CHANDRIKA EXCLUSIVE!: Pope Chandrapala The First A differently-abled Rohan Joseph de Saram warmly greets President Chandrika Kumaratunga with a french-style kiss on her hand when she arrived to declare open an exhibition of paintings, drawings and sculpture by his mother Sita de Saram and friends. Pic by Daminda Harsha Perera THINGSH YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT POPES! First Pope was Peter. He was a fisherman! Peter was married but left his wife to become Pope! Some Popes were married! Some Popes had illegitimate children! There is no record of a Pope ever getting drunk on Arrack! Er..That'sh all! Hard Eka Gihillane! Unfortunately Pope JP the Second has serious failure of his hard drive and his days are numbered. The Americans would ideally like to appoint a third world Pope so they can get involved in "improving the economies of" (Read "Finding oil in...") such backwaters with a view to playing world dominoes..er... domination. Aiyo Sirisena! Opium Of The Masses Chandrani, who proposes to adopt the name Chandrapala The First is no stranger to politics and elections and is generally thought to be the front runner.... Solomon The Not So Wise Her father, the late Solomon Ridgeway Dias Airport, was once a Christian and then became a Buddhist and then got assass... SRI LANKAN SAINTS St. Solomon West Ridgeway Dias Bandaranaike of the church of Horagolla St. Malu Matthias ("Attikukula") St. Pius Karunaratne ("Otuwa") St. Bishop Jeramiah of Paiyagala. St. Vincent of the Alvarez St. Thatsh Enough Saints. - Ed ST. PHIL SPACE is in heaven

VOL 2 NO 29	Maldive Fish Issue
President Gayoom wins all the votes in Maldives (Daily Mirror 25-09 2003) Maldives President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom won a sixth five-year term yesterday amid growing criticism of his tight control over a nation better known as the most expensive tourist hotspot in the Indian Ocean. MALDIVES FISHY! Strange Going On's In Coral Islands Same Chap Wins Elections Again! and Again! and Again! and Again! by our corr R. M . Ballantyne Fish-Market (SCN Madakalapuwa) There were strange going on's in the paradise, tropical, sultry, tranquil, lover's paradise, Shangri-La, Aloha, Bora Bora (Get on wiv it! - Ed) islands of the Maldives refered to as the "MALL DIVES" by the semi naked white skinned apes who habitat these islands but originallary known as the "MALA DIVINA" becaushe of close resemblance to the pearly necklace of a woman around her neck and the pearls cascading down into her clevages..(Singular! Clevage! - Ed) A total and utter dictator called Al-Not Haj Abdullaq The Bul-Bul Ameer President for Life Gayoom Boom Boom, who unlike our Glorius...(Sorry Ed!) President Kumaratunga Airport was responsible for the killing of a few people in this Paradise, tropical, (Get on....! - Ed) and then very very quickly held another election! And Lo and Behold! Who was the Victor of this election but this Gayoom chap himself. Allah moves in mystery ways his wonders to perform! PARADISE LOST! MALDIVES ELECTION RESULTS Male Central Very Small Islands off Male Abdul Gayoom 20,000 Kurumba Kombe 2 Spoilt 1 Total registered voters 2023 Result: Abdul Gayoom wins by majority of 19997 Abdul Gayoom's First Wife 2,000 Kurumba Kombe 0 Spoilt 2,450 Total registered voters 567 Result: Mrs Abdul Gayoom the First wins by majority of 997 Small Coral Reef Very very small piece of Coral (Two degrees north of Equator) Abdul Gayoom's Third Wife 20,001 Sherman Lagoon 2 Dead 1 (Eaten by Sherman) Total registered voters 0 Result: Abdul Gayoom wins by majority of 97 Abdul Gayoom' s Cat 20,000 Dead Crab 2 Spoilt 1 Total registered voters 2 crabs Result: Abdul Gayoom wins by majority of 345277 Other News Campus shut down in turmoil By Kelum Bandara The Sri Jayewardenepura University was shut down yesterday amidst bloody turmoil after some of the worst-ever student clashes left the Vice Chancellor, top officials and scores of students injured. "A blow with a wooden pole that was aimed at my head hit me on the back. If not for the intervention by university employees I may have been killed," Vice Chancellor D.S. Epitawatte said after the violent battles between two student factions. Animals go on rampaging in the Jayawardenepura Zoo by our corr Corbett Wedithuwakku There were panic scenes in Colombo the Kapital of The Glo..Sri Lanka not seen since two planes crashed into the Twin Towers of...(You are drunk! - Ed) Pittakotte when Wild Animals of The Jayawardenepura Zoo ran amok urged on by their keepers of the Pol Pot Party. Aiyo What Blood Shedding! Never before seen seens...shorry ...scenes of blood letting were ...was..were seen when the Head Zoo Keeper, a chap by the name of Vice Chancellor was hit on the head by a large blunt object ... most recovered in the Accident Service of the Colombo National Mortuary thanks to nurses. An SCN cameraman was hit in his lower regions and he lost a very, very, very, expensive camera costing all of 25 Shillions of Rupees.   Vice Chancellor Dr. Epitawatte said that he was badly beaten by the members of the Inter University Student Federation (IUSF) and the Bikkhu Federation. He said some of the Bikkhus carried razor knives hidden in their robes. (Daily Mirror, Thursday, September 25, 2003) According to our search engine stats a large proportion of people visiting Crazylanka appear to be looking for naughty pictures or girls or both! The current edition of The Lanka Chronic has got some nice Srilankan birds!

VOL 2 NO 28 ARMY TAKES OVER! Army moves into hospitals as workers strike by Dilanthi Jayamanne (The Island) The Health Services Trade Union Alliance (HSTUA) struck work islandwide yesterday pushing patients into unbearable pain. The Sri Lanka Army moved into cover duties of the minor staff. Fifty four health service trade unions launched a continuous strike action demanding a wage increase. Aiyo Why? Shock Issue! HEAVY ARM(Y) TACTICS! Sri Lanka introduces conscription! "Anney Ridhenawa!" shout patients! SCN Norris Canal Road, Maradana, Colombo 17th Sept. 2003 by our corrs. Saukhayaseva Waidyasekera and Panduwasa PanuBeheth. Today the army of the Glorious republic of Sri Lanka, suffering from their bloody defeat at the hands of "Pink Knickers" Velupillai and of the Sinhala politicians who can't make up their bloody minds resorted to snatching patients from hospitals to join their ranks! (You've used the word "bloody" twice in the same sentence! - Ed) Anney Appoi! Taking advantage of a strike organised by Doctors, Nurses and Touts (Shouldn't that be gatekeepers? - Ed) the Army of the Glo..(Cut it! - Ed) moved in swiftly with AK 47s and hand grenades to recruit patients to join the war...against the evil forces of "Pink Knickers" and anything else we want to fight about and when can I become the next Secretary General of the United Nations when Kofi Annan finishes. Tyronne is the...(Get on with it! - Ed) It's a long way to Killinochchi!... It's a long way to go! (ABOVE)Two Women Army officers ‘man the desk’ to assist in Hospital inquiries and check in Patients as hospital staff, who usually carry out these duties, struck work. - (Picture by Saranapala Pamunuwa) (BELOW) Soldiers help a nurse to push a patient’s trolley at the National Hospital yesterday, in the absence of workers attached to the Health Services Trade Union Alliance. Why The Country Needs A Military Coup by a former Brigadier General (at present under investigation for corruption, thuggery etc) who wishes to remain anonymous COMING SOON! Why Eelam Needs A Military Leader (i.e. Myself!) by V. Prabhakaran (at present not under investigation for corruption, thuggery etc) Divide and Recruit With the overpaid Capitalist Doctors of Sri Lanka and their bits on the side - the Nurses - going on strike the Army moved in swiftly and recruited as many patients as they could. Al Haj Thambi Kade ( Extremist Left) who had just returned from Mecca went into the Colombo OPD to get treatment for Deep Vein Thrombo-flea-bitis (DVT) after sitting too long on a mosque floor and was surprised to be told that he was a corporal now! "I came for prescription not conscription but I am happy! Where else would I get three free meals a day in Sri Lanka except in the Army?" he asked. "I have seven wives!" he said proudly....   NURSE NONA! Cultivator R.J Dinoris Aiya of Wellawaya (left) who suffers from piles turned up at Galle General Hospital for treatment but suffered a massive heart attack when told that he was now a sargeant in the Sri Lankan Army. " Ballana!" he said. " I came here with a Pukké amaruwa (arse complaint) but now I have got a Hard amaruwa! (heart trouble)" He added " Why are they doing thish to us. My idea of a hospital was that of nice nurse nonas with big, big, biiig..." (That'sh enough! - Ed) Shtop Press! Army Recruit Baby Soldiers! Today several... PAIN IN THE PUKA! CLICK IMAGE Sri Lankan soldier with a patient in Colombo hospital(AFP/Sena Vidanagama) LATEST GOVERNMENT NEWS: 700 workers sacked! Health Service Improves! Today the Glo..Government sacked 700 striking hospital workers whose main occupation had been regularly drawing a salary and lounging around hospitals. There was an immediate and dramatic improvement in the Health Services. Meanwhile a number of supporters of the Garment are being recruited to replace the sacked workers. The supporters will then be expected to draw their salaries every month and just lounge around hospitals... Advertisement Job Vacancies in Health Service There are upwards of 700 job vacancies in the Health Service currently as a result of strikers being sacked, intimidated and occasionally killed. Apply with letter from your MP. All previous convictions need to be disclosed but will be overlooked. OTHER NEWS: UN SECRETARY GENERAL ESCAPES! No Danger To Public Warns Police...... SCN 17th Sept 2003, Mulleriyawa, Colombo. A patient by the name of Tyronne Appu Fernando escaped from the Muleriyawa Secure Mental Patient's Unit proclaiming to be the Seketry General of The United Nations. Police warned that he was a harmless idiot and may be approached at anytime..Another patient by the name of Chandrakanthi Dias Kumaratunga Airport who also escaped earlier and was said to be suffering from delusions of grandeur is now said to be under the safe control of.... WHY DOCTORS ARE ON STRIKE On other pages: They want: More money More money Even more money.. Even more...(Ish that it? - Ed) Why Nurses are on strike! Why Dentists are on Strike! Why Minor Staff are on strike! Why .....

VOL 2 NO 27	POLICE ISSUE
Latest Crazy News: Chairman!
BREAKING NEWS: NEW EELAM POLICE ARREST DAFFY DUCK! SCN Killinochchi 8-9-2003 by our corr. Prabhakaran "Bugs" Bunnyvelu. Today the newly created Police Force of the People's Tamil Republication of Eelam arrested a... an Army spy by the name of Brigadier General Daffy Duck who was then killed, plucked and made into roast duck with hot chillie sauce. Ranil's Goose Cooked! Roast Duck is generally served in Peking style or as Crispy Aromatic Duck. Recipe: Catch one duck, kill and pluck. Marinade in Amoy Soya Sauce with star aniseed. Allow to dry. Fry in sesame seed oil. Meanwhile mix two teaspoonfuls of...( Get on with it or your goose is cooked, mate!! - Ed) ***** Madayans Daffy, the star of a number of Warner Brothers cartoons is a great survivor having been shot, blown up, hung, drawn and quarter pounder-ed by various villains such as Elmer "Madayan" Fudd and Velupillai Coyote at the famous battle of Elephant Dung Pass, just leered in his inimitabubble style and said "WHoo! WHooh! Crack!Cackle! Whoo! Whooo! Whoooo!!" BELIEVE IT OR NOT! True Stories: No 1 MAN FALLS FROM CHAIR! DIES! Sept 09, Colombo: Angry residents in Okkampitiya, Moneragala, took around a coffin of a villager who was allegedly killed in a police guard room. Police said the man fell from a chair and died From Colombopage 9-9-2003  Left: Brigadier Daffy Duck in the hands of the Eelam Looney Tunes! Note Prabhakaran Bunny (centre, with trademark moustache) Bribery and corruption appears to be rife in the Eelam Police unlike in the Sri Lankan Police! Note large Dollar note. That'sh Not All Folks! With our new policy of recycling old jokes we have included a link to one of our long forgotten features for the benefit of new readers...CLICK LOGO Other News Sudden Demand for Bathtubs in Anticipation of imminent Lankan Bloodbath...... SCN 8-9-2003 Reports emerging from Panchikawatte, the financial capital of the Crazy Republic of Sri Lanka, showed a sudden rise in the sale of bathtubs. Said Gafoor of Maligawatte "With the imminent collapsation of the Piss Torks peoples have realising that a bloodybath is arounding the corner. They are buying the bathtubs" Shtock Market Keels down 25 Lankem down 5 Pol-Thel Corp down 22 Mc Malupaan Corp down 8 Consolidated BloodBathtubs up 45 ON OTHER PAGES: Man walks out of police station alive! SHOCK: Policeman gets award for honesty!SHOCK: Woman Not Raped At Police Station!AHHHgrhh! HOW THE TWO POLICE FORCES COMPARE SRI LANKA POLICE EELAM POLICE Wear Khaki uniforms Wear underpants Sometimes wear moustaches Teetotal Never accept bribes Never throw suspects out of top floor Wear blue uniforms No underpants Always wear moustaches (including the women!) Teetotal Never accept bribes Never throw suspects out of top floor

VOL 2 NO 26	RED PLANET ISSUE
SHOCK HORROR! EELAM FLAG FLIES ON MARS! Turmoil over hoisting LTTE flag By Sunimalee Dias (Daily Mirror) The Vavuniya town was gripped by tension yesterday afternoon when several female LTTE cadres hoisted an LTTE flag in a government-controlled area amidst a gathering at a public building. The Sri Lanka Monitoring Mission rushed to the scene of the incident after being informed by the Army, SLMM spokesperson Agnes Bragadottir told the Daily Mirror yesterday. Meanwhile the prestigitous SCN SriLanka Crazy News said that there are reports that Eelamese have planted their flag on Mars. Instead of planting tobacco some women cadres of the LTTE find it more profitable to plant flags. On hearing this and the statement from the Vatican that God actually made Mars when he created the Heaven and Earth, Ven Narampanawe Rathanajothi said that it was about time that the Garment of Ranil planted a Buddhist flag on Mars. Mulla Hakeem said that muslims intend opening a gem business on Mars. SLMM spokesperson Helga Ranilsson said that they would investigate this latest violation of the ceasefire as soon as they get transport to Mars in the year 2525.
Mars, Sri Lanka Reach Points of Closest Proximity for 60,000 Years Aug. 27 (Bloomberg) -- Mars and Sri Lanka today had their closest encounter for 60,000 years, allowing amateur astronomers to see details of the planet's red surface and ice caps using small telescopes or binoculars. As darkness fell, viewers in Colombo who had clear skies were the first to glimpse Mars as it reached the position of closest proximity to Sri Lanka, at 9:51 a.m. Grandpass Mean Time. The phenomenon hasn't occurred since Neanderthals lived and won't be repeated until Aug. 28, 2287, according to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory of the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Neanderthals still live in Colombo in an area known as The Parliament, Kotte.
MARS RALLY IN COLOMBO! RED PLANET GETS CLOSEST TO COLOMBO! by our comrade Perapali Kadakappalsekera (SCN Armour Street) Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! (Thatsh enough Jayawewa! - Ed) Today the Glorious People's Republic of Colombo came closest to the Red Planet Janatha Vimukthi Peramuna (JVP) - a phenomenal thing which has not been happening since Dinosaurs like Harris Hulugalla, D.S. Senanayake and Dudley Senanayake roamed the streets of Colombo with their Right Wing Colonial American Neo-Colonial ideologies and downtrodding (downtrodding? - Ed) the poor people of the Glorious capital of Sri Lanka (now named Wijeweerapura). Poor people were flocking the streets to see this phenomenal thing and even Comrade Arthur C. Clark joined the worshipping of the Red Planet! Aiyo! What a site! (Shouldn't that be sight? - Ed) (Leftist) The Pol Pots of Sri Lanka, led by their prophets, gather at Lipton Circus to observe The Second Coming of Wijeweera ("The Red Planet") ... THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE JVP Ultra leftist Looney Tunes Responsible for a number of deaths Responsible for a very large number of deaths Responsible for a very, very large number of deaths! Responsible for...(You are dead! - Ed) Clash of the Planets or Henahura Hathé Satellite. Lost in space! Thish girl was once the darling of Shri Lankan politics! Unfortunately now she is.. Both 'toons from the Daily Mirror Mars The Bringer of War (also known as Tylwyn Pol Pot) THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT MARS Has smelly canals like Wellawatta Is Red like the JVP Has no satellite Chandrika No MacDonalds outlet Er..Thtsh it!

VOL 2 NO 25
SERVICES NORMAL! COUNTRY DOES NOT COME TO A HALT! By our corr Lanka Gamanagamana sekera of Pettah Bus Station (SCN Punchi Borella 14-8-2003) Inspite of the very very very tremendous efforts by the Reacshionary anti-garment forces to topple our Glorious Republic governed by our Glorious leader King Ranil Wickremabahu, we at the Daily Pol-Thel are very very pleased to report that everything in the country is now normal. Very Very Bad Reporting of Sri Lanka News! Young Peoples Meeting Each Other! Above: Most young people meet each other, fall in love, propose to each other and marry each other on buses...Even childs are born in buses! (shouldn't that be children? - Ed) Some Left-Wing Pol Pot newspapers published nasty pics of a bus strike...There was no bus strike! Sri Lankan buses are like that! The people of the Glo...(Cut it! - Ed) are used to travelling like that and prefer to travel like that. (More pictures of not the bus strike) What Rail strike? There is no strike! Above: Normal view of Fort Railway Station. Large numbers of foreign rail enthusiastic persons gather on the platforms to view our glorious trains and leaving no room for genuwin..genu...real passengers.. Trains? What Trains? There were reports that there was a train strike! There was no train strike it is just that at the moment the Glo..garment is thinking of improving the train services! By selling it off to Masala Vaddai sellers from India. (Who do better job than General Manager of Railways? - Ed) Educashion continuing! Others are saying that in the Sri Lanka there is University strike and all Universities close! That is normal!....for all universities...students always liking bit of fun and that sort of thing... .....even Ranil go on strike when he student of Colombo University! What wrong with that? No winters! No winners! Some people are saying that "This is the winter of our discount...discontent". This is totally wrong because there is no winter in Sri Lanka! So how can there be discontenting in the Winter? You answer that?! Ah?! (The sun still shines in Sri Lanka, we believe! - Ed)
Commonest Non-Strikers in Sri Lanka	Commonest Strikers In Sri Lanka
Electric Bus Train University Doctors Nurses Doctors and Nurses Bus and train Bus, train, doctors and nurses	Army Police Navy Vedamahaththaya Air Force Vaddai sellers Army and Police.... Lawyers Ranil (That'sh enough! - Ed)
An undergraduate writes:
I am a third year medical student at the University of Kotte but this is my sixteenth year in uni. I am 38 years old, married and have two children. My wife is an undergraduate at University of Kolonnawa. She is a strike organiser. Our eldest son has just passed his A-Levels and will enter uni soon..we hope....in about three years. I hope to study vascular surgery so that when I pass out as a doctor, at the age of 48, and have a heart attack I could do coronary by-pass surgery on myself....(shurely shome mistake? - Ed)	SCENES YOU REGULARLY SEE: No 1

VOL 2 NO 24	LICE!, LICE! MORE DAMNED LICE!
PRY MINISTER DISCOVERS FLIED LICE! by our corr Schezuan 'Daffy' Duck of Beijing (open 12 o' crock runch time to thlee a.m.) Just by sheer ruck...luck the Ply Minister of Sli Ranka, Lanir Wicklemasinghe was fortunate to find himslf in Beijing or Peking... amongst experts on lice... Pleviously he had thought that Peking was a hotel.. (Yu hav used the same joke befo! - Ed) Sri Lanka's Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe, left, listens to Chinese President Hu Jintao, during a meeting at the Great Hall of the People in Beijing Tuesday, Aug. 12, 2003. Wickremesinghe is on a five-day visit to China since Saturday to seal agreements aimed at strengthening economic ties between the two nations. (AP Photo/Goh Chai Hin, Pool) HAPPY PURAPATHI ANDIPURAM (whatever that is!) to all our Tamil readers... LATEST: Pipe-borne kasippu in Moneragala PRY MINISTER DISCOVERS RICE Basmathi is not a Bollywood actress! By our corrs. Paddy Field-O' Reilly and Condoleeza Rice (SCN Punchi Borella 27-7-2003) Today the Chairman of Sri Lanka, The Glorious Chairman Ranil Tse Tung visited a Paddy field to identify himself ( in an effort to identify himself? - Ed) with the starving masses. The PM who has never starved and in fact was born with several silver plated spoons sticking out of his orifices, had not had any previous experience of rice. His family came from a long line of non-paddy cultivators although claiming to be "Govi Gama". Sri Lanka's Number One....Numero Uno (Cut the Spanish! - Ed) bigot and expert on caste related matters, Harris Chronicle of Lanka Hulugalla was not available for comment...(Thatsh enough bigotry - Ed) Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe observing a 250-acre of Basmathi rice field at Heelogama in Nikaweratiya on Saturday (26) during his inspection tour of agricultural development activities in the area. Several ministers and officials also participated in the event. - (Pic. Susantha Wijegunasekera) Buth Packet Eka The PM's previous experience of rice was limited to the cooked variety and he was visibly shocked to discover that Basmathi was not an Indian film star and that rice grew in muddy paddy fields! With tears streaming down his glorious face he said "We must stop this type of cultivation! When I finally get power to run this country I will make sure that we no longer have to grow rice in dirty conditions like this." When challenged how he proposes to grow paddy the PM said the simple answer was to import rice...... SCENES YOU SELDOM SEE: No 1 LITTLE KNOWN FOOD FACTS: McDonalds do not contain rice and are not grown in unhygienic muddy paddy fields. Best Places To Eat Rice In Colombo 1. Hotel de Buhari, Maradana. (near Elphinstone Cinema) 2. YMCA Fort. 3. Bloemfontein Medical Student's Hostel, Punchi Borella (free) 4. General Hospital Colombo (free) 5. Peking Hotel, De Soysa Circus....(ask for the vegetarian version)

VOL 2 NO 23 Heartbreak Hotel! HEART BREAKING NEWS! No 1 (Daily Mirror 15-7-2003) Tigers vow to commit suicide over Eelam flag In an apparent show of impatience, nearly one hundred LTTE cadres on Tuesday evening threatened to commit suicide by swallowing cyanide capsules, when the security forces and the SLMM protested against the hoisting of Tamil Eelam flags in the government-controlled area of Vavuniya. The Thala-Thel says Swallow Your Cyanide! Lets get this right! You want to swallow cyanide? Correct? GO AHEAD! and if you haven't got cyanide try Folidol. Same effect but slower! Our science corr writes: Cyanide is a nashty nashty substance employed in Scotland and Bavaria to destroy vermin. It is used in Sri Lanka to keep Tiger numbers down. Take one capsule in the morning...don't call the doctor. There is no need to take the evening dose... HEART BREAKING NEWS! No 2 (Daily Mirror 15-7-2003) Don't drag in my children: CBK President Chandrika Kumaratunga has requested media institutions to refrain from using her children's names for petty political gain.......The news item had claimed that the President's children Vimukthi and Yasodhara were understood to have expressed concern over... The Pol-Thel says Leave The Buggers Alone! We at Crazylanka believe that there is a need for privacy even if the parent goes around the world advertising herself. We at Crazylanka therefore, unlike our rivals in the Sri Lankan media, have decided not to mention the names of El Presidente's little buggers on our site. If they are being educated in Sri Lanka we don't want their classmates to bully them... In fact we had never thought of mentioning them until we were reminded not to mention them...We will therefore never mention the names of the kids Vimukthi and Yasodhara...We will never drag the names of ...er...and...um through our pages! We promise! El Presidente! Sir! Lanka Postal Services Improve! Elephants Deliver Mail New Stamps Issued! A good memory is their forte! by our corr Stanley Gibbons The postal services of the colony of Sri ...Ceylon improved dramatically with the employment of elephants to deliver the mail. Previously, local peons known as "Thapal Booruwo" (Postal Donkeys) were employed with disastrous results. Letters very rarely got to their destination and were often subject to pilferage. Cheques generally disappeared in the post. Bags of foreign mail have been found floating in the Beira Lake (behind the GPO). The elephants are expected to change all this! They may be slow and ponderous but they are generally faster than the average postal donkey and have better manners. "However it is best not to sends coconuts or bananas by post as there is a tendency for such items to get lost. But cheques are perfectly safe!" a spokeselephant for the GPO trumpeted today. It is pure coincidence that the symbol of the ruling party is the elephant. This had nothing to do with the...(You are fired!...for anti-government sentiment! - Ed)

crazylanka.com