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|VOL2 NO 30||...............Catholic Issue Anno Domini 2003|
No Nobel Pizza For Him!
Stick to MacDonalds!
PRIZE FAIL OLD MAN!
SHOCKING NEGLECT OF THE ELDERLY!
By our corr. Bishop Nicholas Good King Wenceslaus of Borella (hiding behind Catholic Press), Colombo SCN 10-10-2003
Today an old man by the name of John Paul the second, living in a rather run down seedy suburb of Rome known as The Vatican, was left to starve when a fast food delivery service by the name of The Nobel Pizza Prize Company failed to deliver a pizza as promised!
The Pope was widely tipped to be the recipient of this prestidigitous prize and placed his order- deep pan with mozerella cheese, pineapple and pepperoni - in good time and well before his imminent retirement.
Schocking! Positively Schocking!
" Schocking! Positively Schocking! Thish (hic!) is sheer neglect of the elderly" said a shabby old bearded man carrying a bottle of Mass Wine and speaking in Hebrew who only identified himself as God.
"Myself and the Vatican were doing our best to see that the Pope got his Pizza but the Americans as usual stuck their dirty fingers in it and insisted on serving some unknown female in Iran first!"
A spokesperson for the Nobel Pizza Prize Delivery Service apologised profusely and offered a voucher for a free meal for two. "What happened was we were told to deliver the Pizza to a John Paul of the Vatican but instead we delivered it to an unknown Muslim woman in Iran! It is as simple as that! She doesn't even like pepperoni! We don't want to lose customers but the Americans pay well...."
Third World Pope A Reality
by our corr. Norman Palliyasekera
(SCN Paiyagala, next to Toddy Tavern and The Church of St. Mary Of The Funny Looks 5-10-2003)
The tiny Crazy Republic of Vatican was thrown into turmoil today when a dark skinned non-catholic woman announced her intention of contesting the Papal Elections.
Mrs Chandrika Kumaratunge St. Bridget, who was educated at the convent school of St. Solomon Bandaranaike in Colombo, said it was about time that the Catholic Church appointed a Third World Pope and a woman Pope.
The Catholic Church has traditionally appointed pasta-eating Italians as Pope even though the first Pope was a Karawe man and a fisherman by the name of Peter.
The Catholic Church doesn't like women priests although their icon Mary is a woman.
Under the influence of the Americans, who get their fingers into everything, on the last occasion they did appoint a Pole by the name of Karol Wajisyourname who went by the alias of John Paul the Second.
JP the second was responsible for causing chaos in his native Poland by helping a radical non-communist Vodka-soak by the name of Leiftright Walescanzska to take over the country. (You are excommunicated! - God)
|VOL 2 NO 29||Maldive Fish Issue|
Gayoom wins all the votes in Maldives
(Daily Mirror 25-09 2003)
Maldives President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom won a sixth five-year term yesterday amid growing criticism of his tight control over a nation better known as the most expensive tourist hotspot in the Indian Ocean.
Strange Going On's In Coral Islands
Same Chap Wins Elections Again! and Again! and Again! and Again!
by our corr R. M . Ballantyne Fish-Market (SCN Madakalapuwa)
There were strange going on's in the paradise, tropical, sultry, tranquil, lover's paradise, Shangri-La, Aloha, Bora Bora (Get on wiv it! - Ed) islands of the Maldives refered to as the "MALL DIVES" by the semi naked white skinned apes who habitat these islands but originallary known as the "MALA DIVINA" becaushe of close resemblance to the pearly necklace of a woman around her neck and the pearls cascading down into her clevages..(Singular! Clevage! - Ed)
A total and utter dictator called Al-Not Haj Abdullaq The Bul-Bul Ameer President for Life Gayoom Boom Boom, who unlike our Glorius...(Sorry Ed!) President Kumaratunga Airport was responsible for the killing of a few people in this Paradise, tropical, (Get on....! - Ed) and then very very quickly held another election!
And Lo and Behold! Who was the Victor of this election but this Gayoom chap himself.
Allah moves in mystery ways his wonders to perform!
Campus shut down in turmoil
By Kelum Bandara
The Sri Jayewardenepura University was shut down yesterday amidst bloody turmoil after some of the worst-ever student clashes left the Vice Chancellor, top officials and scores of students injured. "A blow with a wooden pole that was aimed at my head hit me on the back. If not for the intervention by university employees I may have been killed," Vice Chancellor D.S. Epitawatte said after the violent battles between two student factions.
Animals go on rampaging in the Jayawardenepura Zoo
by our corr Corbett Wedithuwakku
There were panic scenes in Colombo the Kapital of The Glo..Sri Lanka not seen since two planes crashed into the Twin Towers of...(You are drunk! - Ed) Pittakotte when Wild Animals of The Jayawardenepura Zoo ran amok urged on by their keepers of the Pol Pot Party.
Aiyo What Blood Shedding!
Never before seen seens...shorry ...scenes of blood letting were ...was..were seen when the Head Zoo Keeper, a chap by the name of Vice Chancellor was hit on the head by a large blunt object ... most recovered in the Accident Service of the Colombo National Mortuary thanks to nurses. An SCN cameraman was hit in his lower regions and he lost a very, very, very, expensive camera costing all of 25 Shillions of Rupees.
The current edition of The Lanka Chronic has got some nice Srilankan birds!
|VOL 2 NO 27||POLICE ISSUE|
|Latest Crazy News: Chairman!|
NEW EELAM POLICE ARREST DAFFY DUCK!
SCN Killinochchi 8-9-2003
by our corr. Prabhakaran "Bugs" Bunnyvelu.
Ranil's Goose Cooked!
Roast Duck is generally served in Peking style or as Crispy Aromatic Duck.
Recipe: Catch one duck, kill and pluck. Marinade in Amoy Soya Sauce with star aniseed. Allow to dry. Fry in sesame seed oil. Meanwhile mix two teaspoonfuls of...( Get on with it or your goose is cooked, mate!! - Ed)
Daffy, the star of a number of Warner Brothers cartoons is a great survivor having been shot, blown up, hung, drawn and quarter pounder-ed by various villains such as Elmer "Madayan" Fudd and Velupillai Coyote at the famous battle of Elephant Dung Pass, just leered in his inimitabubble style and said "WHoo! WHooh! Crack!Cackle! Whoo! Whooo! Whoooo!!"
|VOL 2 NO 26||RED PLANET ISSUE|
EELAM FLAG FLIES ON MARS!
Turmoil over hoisting LTTE flag By Sunimalee Dias (Daily Mirror)
The Vavuniya town was gripped by tension yesterday afternoon when several female LTTE cadres hoisted an LTTE flag in a government-controlled area amidst a gathering at a public building. The Sri Lanka Monitoring Mission rushed to the scene of the incident after being informed by the Army, SLMM spokesperson Agnes Bragadottir told the Daily Mirror yesterday.
Meanwhile the prestigitous SCN SriLanka Crazy News said that there are reports that Eelamese have planted their flag on Mars.
Instead of planting tobacco some women cadres of the LTTE find it more profitable to plant flags. On hearing this and the statement from the Vatican that God actually made Mars when he created the Heaven and Earth, Ven Narampanawe Rathanajothi said that it was about time that the Garment of Ranil planted a Buddhist flag on Mars.
Mulla Hakeem said that muslims intend opening a gem business on Mars.
SLMM spokesperson Helga Ranilsson said that they would investigate this latest violation of the ceasefire as soon as they get transport to Mars in the year 2525.
|Mars, Sri Lanka
Reach Points of Closest Proximity for 60,000 Years Aug. 27 (Bloomberg) -- Mars and Sri Lanka today had
their closest encounter for 60,000 years, allowing amateur astronomers to see
details of the planet's red surface and ice caps using small telescopes or
binoculars. As darkness fell, viewers in Colombo who
had clear skies were the first to glimpse Mars as it reached the position of
closest proximity to Sri Lanka, at 9:51 a.m. Grandpass Mean Time.
The phenomenon hasn't occurred since Neanderthals lived and won't be repeated until Aug. 28, 2287, according to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory of the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Neanderthals still live in Colombo in an area known as The Parliament, Kotte.
| MARS RALLY IN
RED PLANET GETS CLOSEST TO COLOMBO!
by our comrade Perapali Kadakappalsekera (SCN Armour Street)
Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa! Jayawewa!
(Thatsh enough Jayawewa! - Ed)
Today the Glorious People's Republic of Colombo came closest to the Red Planet Janatha Vimukthi Peramuna (JVP) - a phenomenal thing which has not been happening since Dinosaurs like Harris Hulugalla, D.S. Senanayake and Dudley Senanayake roamed the streets of Colombo with their Right Wing Colonial American Neo-Colonial ideologies and downtrodding (downtrodding? - Ed) the poor people of the Glorious capital of Sri Lanka (now named Wijeweerapura).
Poor people were flocking the streets to see this phenomenal thing and even Comrade Arthur C. Clark joined the worshipping of the Red Planet!
Aiyo! What a site! (Shouldn't that be sight? - Ed)
|VOL 2 NO 25|
COUNTRY DOES NOT COME TO A HALT!
By our corr Lanka Gamanagamana sekera of Pettah Bus Station (SCN Punchi Borella 14-8-2003)
Inspite of the very very very tremendous efforts by the Reacshionary anti-garment forces to topple our Glorious Republic governed by our Glorious leader King Ranil Wickremabahu, we at the Daily Pol-Thel are very very pleased to report that everything in the country is now normal.
Trains? What Trains?
There were reports that there was a train strike! There was no train strike it is just that at the moment the Glo..garment is thinking of improving the train services! By selling it off to Masala Vaddai sellers from India. (Who do better job than General Manager of Railways? - Ed)
Others are saying that in the Sri Lanka there is University strike and all Universities close! That is normal!....for all universities...students always liking bit of fun and that sort of thing...
.....even Ranil go on strike when he student of Colombo University!
What wrong with that?
No winters! No winners!
Some people are saying that "This is the winter of our discount...discontent". This is totally wrong because there is no winter in Sri Lanka! So how can there be discontenting in the Winter? You answer that?! Ah?!
(The sun still shines in Sri Lanka, we believe! - Ed)
|Commonest Non-Strikers in Sri Lanka||Commonest Strikers In Sri Lanka|
Doctors and Nurses
Bus and train
Bus, train, doctors and nurses
Army and Police....
(That'sh enough! - Ed)
|An undergraduate writes:|
| I am a third year medical student at the
University of Kotte but this is my sixteenth year in uni.
I am 38 years old, married and have two children.
My wife is an undergraduate at University of Kolonnawa. She is a strike organiser.
Our eldest son has just passed his A-Levels and will enter uni soon..we hope....in about three years.
I hope to study vascular surgery so that when I pass out as a doctor, at the age of 48, and have a heart attack I could do coronary by-pass surgery on myself....(shurely shome mistake? - Ed)
|VOL 2 NO 24||LICE!, LICE! MORE DAMNED LICE!|
|PRY MINISTER DISCOVERS
by our corr Schezuan 'Daffy' Duck of Beijing (open 12 o' crock runch time to thlee a.m.)
Just by sheer ruck...luck the Ply Minister of Sli Ranka, Lanir Wicklemasinghe was fortunate to find himslf in Beijing or Peking... amongst experts on lice...
Pleviously he had thought that Peking was a hotel..
(Yu hav used the same joke befo! - Ed)
Sri Lanka's Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe, left, listens to Chinese President Hu Jintao, during a meeting at the Great Hall of the People in Beijing Tuesday, Aug. 12, 2003. Wickremesinghe is on a five-day visit to China since Saturday to seal agreements aimed at strengthening economic ties between the two nations. (AP Photo/Goh Chai Hin, Pool)
HAPPY PURAPATHI ANDIPURAM (whatever that is!) to all our Tamil readers...
LATEST: Pipe-borne kasippu in Moneragala
PRY MINISTER DISCOVERS RICE
Basmathi is not a Bollywood actress!
By our corrs. Paddy Field-O' Reilly and Condoleeza Rice (SCN Punchi Borella 27-7-2003)
Today the Chairman of Sri Lanka, The Glorious Chairman Ranil Tse Tung visited a Paddy field to identify himself ( in an effort to identify himself? - Ed) with the starving masses.
The PM who has never starved and in fact was born with several silver plated spoons sticking out of his orifices, had not had any previous experience of rice. His family came from a long line of non-paddy cultivators although claiming to be "Govi Gama".
Sri Lanka's Number One....Numero Uno (Cut the Spanish! - Ed) bigot and expert on caste related matters, Harris Chronicle of Lanka Hulugalla was not available for comment...(Thatsh enough bigotry - Ed)