VOL 2 NO 37........................................................Annus Horribilis Issue (we said Annus...! Not the terminus of the large bowel!)
SHOCK! God Converted To Buddhism! Holy God we Praise thy haircut........? by our corr J. Christ of SCN, Heaven 26th Dec 2003 There was widespread shock among Archangels, Seraphim and Cherubim when a bearded old man called God shaved his hair off, donned saffron robes and said "Nammo Dhassa Baghavato..etc!". Above: Painting by our staff painter Michaelangelo entitled "Creation Of Man" Decision Time! "It is decision times folks!" as they say on telly. Would you rather be a Christian than a Buddhist or a Muslim? Think carefully before answering folks! (Clue: Christians are allowed Alcohol!) The conversion of God to Buddhism came as a total surprise to Christians who had always assumed that God was a solid Christian... However, God pointed out that he was Almighty God and therefore in charge of his own destiny as well as ours. When challenged that he, God, was the root of all of Mankind's problems, God went into a huff and stormed out of the studio... Michael Aiya, the Archangel, a long time associate of the old geezer, said "We think that the old man is really off the rocker thish time...!" The Sri Lankan Garment, predictably, announced new laws to prevent God from being converted to Buddhism... IS GOD A CATHOLIC? Or is God a Protestant, Church of England, Jehova's Witness, Mormon, Church Of Latter Day Saints, Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, Bannerman's Bar of Cowgate Edinburgh, Trotamundo's of Cusco with that lovely barmaid...?..(You are drunk! - Ed)
24th December 2003 Father Christmas Nearly Assaulted! New Laws To Ban Conversion To Father Christmasism! by our corr. Jehovah's Witnesswardena, SCN Mariakade. Today, a bearded man in a red suit calling himself Santa Claus was nearly assaulted, hung, drawn and quarter-poundered.... (You have used that joke before!- Ed) ....by unruly and ruly (ruly? - Ed) mobs gathered at the funeral of the Independence Square Thero at the Ven. Gangodawila Square in Colombo who died in Russia. Earlier this man had been accused of proselyte...er proteolysis..er proteinlysing...er trying to convert Buddhists to Christianism. Lions Vs Christians "Whilst we have no objection to Christmas and Christians, and we in fact enjoy the drinking and drunken roistering that goes in the name of J. Christ, we object to Buddhists being forced to go to church at midnight" said a spokesman for the United Front for Starting a Riot on any Excuse (UFSRE). Archbishpop Markus Jesuwardena, the Bish. of Borella said "There is absolutely no historical evidence that Jesus Christ was born on the 25th of December. In fact the 25th was a Pagan festival that the Christians hijacked!"
	"Kill the Rabbit! Kill the Wabbit....!" (Elmer Fudd in Warner Bros 'toons) Following the stalemate created by the inability of the Sinhalese Buddhist majority to beat the shit out of the Tamils and the stalemate caused by the infighting between El Presidente Chandrapala and her toy boy Rani, there has been considerable frustration among the masses and no outlet for letting off of venom. Father Christmas, generally considered to be a harmless eccentric who goes "Ho! Ho! Ado!", is an ideal target for the Racist, Nazi, Commie, Pol-pot, Chandrika, Velupillai, Mullah Hakeem, George Bush Global Warmongering Saddam Hussein, unwashed, Stinko, Genghis Khan, Imran Khan, Muralitharan.... (That'sh enough inshults!- Ed) OTHER NEWS Police Arrest Father Christmas Maradana Police today arrested a bearded man in a red suit for attempting to climb down a chimney.. Father Christmas Granted Bail by Maradana Magistrate The low paid Maradana Magistrate granted bail to Santa Claus on reciept of a generous bribe from God.... Garment to Order Inquiry Into Father Christmas's Arrest The Garment which has nothing better to do than to order an inquiry today predictably ordered an inquiry into the events leading up to the arrest and subsequent incineration...incarceration...of Rev. F. Christmas.. God Is Not A Jehova's Witness Shock! Today a bearded gentlemen claiming to be God announced that he was not a Jehova's Witness. POPE IS NOT DEAD SHOCK! Today the Catholic Church was not thrown into schock and awe by the news that the Pope was not yet dead! "We already thought that the Papacy was dead on the grounds that the Catholic Church which still objects to Family Planning...Any organisation that objects to so called Family Planning, which is basically a licence to fornicate, must be dead...!
Boy Born In Stables Named!
The Daily Mirror's contribution to religious harmony (obviously modified by crazylanka) As the Holy family greets us on this Christmas morning, we need to remember that Christmas is essentially a family festival where the extended family gathers at the table for a meal in a spirit of sharing, caring and forgiveness. (This drawing is by Buddhist artist B. Wimalaratne as his contribution to Christmas and religious harmony) LITTLE KNOWN FACTS: No 1  SANTA is an anagram of SATAN! No Shock And Disarray! The Christian world was not thrown into shock and disarray today when Professor Buddhadasa Deshapremiya announced the results of his 10 years of Garment funded research into Santa. His announcement was not met by shock by the shillions of Christians who already knew that Santa was an advertising logo for the Coca Cola Corporation. The Coca Cola Corporation which recently acquired the Mc Malupaan Corp of Punchi Borella and the Inca Cola Corporation of Peru is a well known global war mongering george bush saddam hussein privates of jessica who has written a book ...... HAPPY CHRISHMAS FROM CRAZYLANKA

VOL 2 NO 36...................................................................HÅGAR visits Mrs Horrible!
NØRWEGIANS GET ØUT ØF SRILANKAN CESSPIT! 14th of November 2003 Latest news emerging from the People's Democratic Socialist Republic Cesspit of SriLanka indicates that the Norwegians have departed in search of better toilet facilities allowing Presidente Chandrani and Pry Minister Ranoris to swim in the effluent!
JUST FANCY THAT!
15th November 2003 Norway suspends facilitation Norwegian Deputy Foreign Minister Vidar Helgesen said yesterday that Norwegian facilitators would go home and wait until political clarity was established in Sri Lanka, pointing out that peace talks could have resumed immediately if not for the political crisis.	15th November 2003 We won't abandon peace process, says Helgesen by Uditha Kumarasinghe and Asanga Warnakulasuriya Norway has no intention of abandoning the peace process, Norwegian Deputy Foreign Minister Vidar Helgesen said yesterday
FÛnny Nåmed Men Return! by our corr NØßMÅN PåNDØMSSON of SCN Pønchi Børella 13th Nov 2003 Today a bunch of cheap-suited-white-skinned-Johnnies with funny names and funny accents arrived on the island. ***** WØT? Nø Baila? The previøus repørted sighting øf these aliens was in ÅD1505 when a bunch øf drunks frøm Lisbøn arrived at Cølømbø and intrøduced Wine, Baila and Røman Cathølicism møre ør less in that ørder. (What wrøng with that? - Ed) Åt that time the brave bøys øf Sihala Urumaya (led by Harris Hulugalla of The Daily Chrønic) and the LTTE øbjected tø their incursiøn but a silly king by the name of Sri Wickrema Ranillsssøn signed a Maritime Trade Givisuma (MTG! Sri Lankans like Åcrønyms! ør is it Åcrømegaly?)..(Thatsh enøugh fønny characters! - Ed!) See what happened to the country then? We still have Fernando De Silva types...shtill in the country!? Only Up-Country Kandy Uderatiyans and Hulugalla's only pleease...No Foriginers except when they have Dollars?... NOW? WØT (I mean What?) So why are we allowing Norwegians into country? Do they drink wine? Do they sing Baila? ....or are they a bunch of boring farts? NorskNorsk språkråd Norsk språkråd språkråd Also Sparack Zarathustra Richard Strauss Warmonger Ennadah AdØ! EsSpesial Nørwegiån Årrival in Tåprøbane Phøto Feåtûre CLIK PIC> SCENES YOU SELDOM SEE NO 2 Homo Erectus Helps Neanderthal To His Feet! An original inhabitant of Sri Lanka (who was there long before the Buddhists and the Portuguese and in fact even before King Vijaya, the founding father of the Sinhala race) helps a newly evolved Neanderthal to his feet. On the left is Veddah Uruwarigé Wannialagé aththo, a Consultant NeuroSurgeon at the University of Bintenna (Near Mahiyangana) and on the right is an unknown Neanderthal. Note how The Veddha is long necked and stands erect whilst the Neanderthal is slouching, short necked with elongated head resting on collar bones. Also note receding lower jaw of the Neanderthal. The Veddah Neurosurgeon wears an axe whilst the Neanderthal wears a tie. *** ORIGINAL CAPTION (The Island 13th Nov 2003) Consultant neurologist Dr. Geethanjan Mendis and his team recently conducted a clinic for the benefit of the Veddah community. In appreciation of the services rendered to his community, the Veddah chief, Uruwarige Wannilaththo came to Colombo a few days ago and thanked Dr. Mendis. Veddah chief meets Dr. Mendis at his office at Torrington Square.

VOL 2 NO 35 ......................................................Crisis Issue (What crisis?)
MAHA HENÉ RIRIYAKA HAUNTS GARMENT! Verbal Battles Dominate Lanka!
Management Change at ! Today there was a dramatic change at the Crazylanka/McMalupaan Corp/SCN (the publishers of The Daily Pol-Thel) when a mad woman called Mrs. Crazylanka refused to cook and nearly hit the Managing Director with a large saucepan....
New Boss Man At Rival ! Our nearest rivals, The Daily News of Beira (readership of 2) was today revamped by their new boss Jayasena Dekatanewila who was appointed by a mad woman called Mrs Chandrani Gothabaya who threatened to hit him with a large saucepan...... The Daily Noise are long term suppliers of toilet tissue to whoever is in charge of the country. Meanwhile..
RETURN OF THE DARK SUIT! SrilankaCrazyNews, Pettah (Next to Ranjani Tailors, GasPaha Handiya) 8-11-2003 Today Twenty Eight Million Three Hundred Thousand and fifty two people including Maggie Akka of Ihala Gedera lined the Airport Road to see the return of a man in a dark suit who hurriedly changed his suit into a white Nashional Suit at 10,000ft on the approach to Katunayake Airport. Previously the same man had been seen in his trade mark dark suit in Washington DC in the company of another suit called Bush. On his arrival at the Wickremesinghe Airport, Sri Lanka, the Dark Suit was mobbed by the people who had spent 12 hours to see him. Several very pretty air hostesses were seen to .... Bush & Wicks, comics. Mrs Grumps, schoolteacher. Wicks & Bush, comics. Thish ish what we call balanced reporting. Look at the pictures above. The image on the left and the image on the right are mirror images. In the middle sits a large stale pudding which/who has been sitting in the fridge too long and is well past the "Best Before Date" . *** Pease Pudding Hot!, Pease Pudding Cold!, Peace Pudding in the Pot Nine Days Old!: Shome like it Hot, Shome Like it Cold, Peace Pudding In The Pot Nineteen years Old! Old Norse Nursery Rhyme composed by Vidar Helgarranillson (circa AD 2003)
An Apology (A very, very, very humble apology!) In common with our rivals, we at the Daily Pol-Thel, may have in the past given our readers the impression that Her Honourable Majesty Glorious Chandrika Supreme Commander Horagolla Bandaranaike Kumaratunga was a spent force ready to be carted off to the old people's home. Recent turn of events have very, very sheriously frightened us and have made us change this view. We therefore apologise to her profusely especially since we may now lose our jobs or worse be arrested and held incommunicado with violation of our human rights and other orifices, carted off to Bogambara Prison, hauled up before the Chief Justice, hung, drawn and quarter poundered with cheese. We therefore....(Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! - Ed)
How Rani's Return Was Reported By The World Press
Daily Mahavamsa King SriSanghabo Returns! Today the famous King of Sri Lanka Ranil Sri Sanghabo Wicks returned to the capital Anuradhapura after an absence of a few days during which time his arch-rival the Gothabaya had tried to take over the country. People were very very pleased to see that Ranil still had his head on.... Other News: Today it rained Dhara-Nipatha in Anuradhapura. There was widespread flooding.. Weather Forecast: More rains predicted. Gloomy future...	No One At Airport! Today hardly anyone was seen along the road from the airport to Colombo. The airport was unusually quiet and no important people passed through the airport. Some anti-Lanka foreign news agencies like Rewters, AFP, Walled Street Journal, The Hindustan and Crazylanka making up false stories about a man called Ranil returning after a trip to a small country called America and thousands of people lining the airport road. This is simply not true. Our reporter Norman Pandamsekera saw only two stray dogs at the airport. The airport is named after our Glorious leader ..... Other news: Today the Sri Lankan Shtock Market Did Not Crash! It actually...
Daily Hulugalla Only Udarata people should rule Sri Lanka! Ranil is not fit to run anything. Norwegians are Bastards! I am a Teetotaller! Buy Lion Tea! Read my books!	Daily Wijeweera Ruling classes must be destroyed and peoples mandate upheld. Kill the Imperialist, Foreign, Norwegians, American Running Dogs, anything that moves and UNPers! Jayawewa!
Eelam Network Ennadah! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Vannakkam Nerum Moondomani...Yalpanam Poma... Oi! Anyone for Palmyrah toddy....Yesh shir...come, come, come, come, come, come ...have a sheat..er seat....shit down....Ha! Ranil Madayan! Ennadah Chandrika Velvettithurai Pooneryn Perumkayam Enna Varatham Shapada illeya? Short back and shides shir? If you are asking me thish political shituation....	Daily al-Srilanka On the one hand we have the Singhala Muniya and on the other hand there is the Demala Muniya and (yesh we know that this is a very old Sri Lankan Recycled Joke so don't bother writing to us! - al Ed) ..... During the time of the Ramadan we steer clear of bad influences like Ranil and try to get back on the Chandrika bandwagon...or we might get back on the Ranil bandwagon or on the other hand we might even.... provided that we are...but..shabdhi ish a good drink but do not drink too much of it and how about Watalappan?

VOL 2 NO 34 .......................................................Auctioning the country issue
Breaking News: King Sirisanghabowickremesinghe not yet ready to cut off his own head!
Today, according to reports emerging from our source The Mahavamsa of Punchi Borella, the King of Sri Lanka King Ranil SriSanghabowickremesinghe (AD 2000-AD 2003) (247AD-249AD? Shurely shome mistake! ? -Ed) was not yet ready to cut his head off and hand it over to the nasty Mrs Chandrika Gothabaya. Link to Ancient Idiot Kings of Sri Lanka and Harris Hulugalla
(AFP/Sena Vidanagama) obviously modified and manipulated by crazychandrani.com		HOW WE BROKE THE NEWS!
		by our corr Guthilla Kawaya (SCN Beira Lake 6-11-2003) A former Minister of the now-defunct hated Ranil Regime is reduced to selling newspapers and reads about what happened to his Garment. (left) Clever readers might notice that the Daily Pol-Thel is now the newspaper with the highest circulation anywhere in Borella. ***** MORE CRAZY PICS ARE ON..er..um..CRAZYPICS!
We Told You So! HEADS ROLL AS WOMAN GOES ON RAMPAGE! Blood Everywhere! Same Film, New Episode!
By our Pali-mentary Correspondent Moustache M. Rajapassa (SCN Kotte 4-11-2003) Today a woman by the name of Chandrani St. Brides ("The Bride") who had been in a coma since the last election got up from her coma and went on the rampage with a sword and cut the heads and other parts of three not-very-well-known Government Ministers whilst their boss "Bill" was in America having tea with an underworld figure known as "The Bush". Wearing a bright yellow sari with two black stripes and a matching yellow-and-red top she single handedly beheaded three important Garment Ministers. Chief Jester The nasty pieces of work now running the country were trying to finish off "The Bride" first by impeaching the Chief Justice and then trying to pass various nasty bills in parliament. (That'sh why we call thish film "Kill Bills"! Very, very simple, no? neda?) For my own part in this bloody film I will be joining up with a few shifty actors and I hope to be the next Pry Minister of the Glorious Republic of Sri Lanka. This is much easier than fighting an election. I always wanted to be the Pry Minister! It is all film acting anyway! And there's more! Once we get a new Garment we will resume Peace Talks with our dark-skinned good bretheren of the North. (Vellupillai "Pran" Prabhakaran and Thamilselvan are good actors as well although they tend to get a little bit type-cast as the "baddies"!) That way we not only get the credit if we pull off this Peace thing but I get to stay in top hotels around the world. I don't mind going to Bangkok for Peace Talks......and Japan..and Singapore and..(That'sh enough drivel! - Ed) ***
Editorial comment: Yesh! We told you so! Just a week ago in our "Black Suspender Belt Issue" (Vol 2 No 33) we predicted a Kill Bill type scenario. LEFT: Chandrani Horagolla in "Kill the parliament Bills" RIGHT: Our corr Moustache Rajapassa: Blind about to lead the blind?
OTHER NEWS
Army Deployed to Guard Crazylanka Press! President Chandrani St.Bridgets today personally instructed the Army to protect The Crazylanka Press which was getting ready to run off the Crazylanka Gazette which was designed to kill bills...........contd Ranil Gets Political Asylum In Hawaii! "Nice girls with nice garlands of flowers! Better than Bataleeya Kaju Girls" said Ranil the former Pry Minister of the Paradise Island of Sri Lanka after he was ousted by a mad woman. Sipping a "Tequila Sunset" in a tall glass and wearing a Lei of Frangipani and a pair of gaudy shorts the hairy-chested former .............contd Velupillai says "Ennadah!" "Adey! With all theesh Singhaleesh idiots fighting amongest themshelves there ish no need for us to do anything!" said a dark skinned swarthy gentleman sipping a pot of palmyrah toddy in Killinochchi. Velupillai Aiyah, a well known drunk in these parts was responding to the latest news to emerge from Colombo......contd
CULTURAL GAMES START OFF AT COLOMBO TOWNHALL! POPE JP 2: Funnyman of the century! Link to The Onion COUNTRY BREAKING-UP NEWS: COUNTRY UP FOR SALE! MONK MAKES COUNTER BID! Aiyo Why? A buddhist monk identified as Ven Rev Narampanawe Rathanajothi makes a bid.... MORE CRAZY PICS By our corr. Norma Palihawadana SCN Eye Hospital Junction 1-11-2003 Today the country was being breaking up and sold at an auction. Earlier the LTTE in NEP and NP asking for ISGA and the SLMM......(Thatsh enough acronyms! - Ed). Boys Named Su The SU...er..Sihala Urumaya was making a desperate counter bid and was trying to buy the Colombo Town Hall. And Aiyo! There were all sorts of wild animals in the Vanni as well as in the Colombo and Aiyo what is thish country coming to etc.. Will that do Editor Sir? ADVERTISEMENT SRI LANKA THE COUNTRY! Now available on e-Bay auctions! add to shopping cart! The following prestigous properties are up for grabs: Maradankadawela (includes old Police Station, no roof) Galenbindunuwewa (with Post Office) Galenbindunuwewa (w/o Post Office) Palugaswewa Omantai West (includes public toilet and cess pit) Paraiyanalankulam Mine Field Gomarankadawela (tin shack with red Coca Cola sign) Oddusudan East (with defoliated Palmyrah trees!) Oddusudan West and bomb crater Paranthan cemetery Padirippu (includes two and a half metric tonnes of rotting Karavadu) Jaffna Town (Army Barracks may be taken at anytime)...................... Pay with the Crazylanka Visa Card! Also available (by tender only): Airbus A-300 aircraft (six items) slightly fire damaged. One careless owner. POL- THEL FEATURES Famous New Old Sri Lankan Sayings No 1 CLICK ON TAIL "Under every tail is an A**hole!" In the year two thousand and three a famous wit by the name of Pragnasekera Pranagochara Pragnaratne of Pragnagammana in the Bintenna District uttered the famous words (in Sinhala) "Hema Valigayak Yatama Pukak Etha!" which when translated to Engrishy means the above i.e "Under each tail is an a**hole". Thish is a rather profound concept in that previously most intellectuals were of the opinion that every a**hole had a tail! By directing his research towards tails instead of a**holes the learned Professor was able to..............to be continued Diagrammatic illustration of the Puka-Valigaya (A**ole-Tail) Theory of Prof. Pragna.. Where are they now? Advertisement FRIENDS REUNITED! Wonder how many of your terrorist chums of the old JVP are active? Wonder what they are doing now? Remember the good old days? Remember how we attacked Police Stations? Remember the training camps? Remember the slaughter? GO TO JVP REUNITED We have a comprehensive database of former JVP terrorists....

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VOL 2 NO 33........................................................... Black Underwear Issue
"When I am in London I always buy Marks & Spencer underwear"	KILL BILL KILL KILL KILL Chandrani Wins Black Suspender Belt! by our corr. Norman Pandamwadana, SCN Punchi Borella 25-10-2003	"Enu Dushtaya! Ganu Kaduwa" Famous catchphrase in Sinhala films... Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill". Apologies to Ms Thurman!
Millions lining streets of Colombo waving their underwear! Today the top athletic of the Glorious Republic of Sri Lanka Chandrani St. Bridgets (Above right and left) win the prestigious "Black Suspender Belt" Award for armless combat with her male colleagues in a career spanning over 50 years! In a performance which is putting Quentin Tarantino's film "Kill Bills" in the shade Chandrani is demolishing all her political opposition in spite of very, very, very, bad propaganda against her by people of the UNF who have been trying to take away her keys to the Executive Toilet at Kotte. Awaking (Awakening? - Ed) from a four year coma she is just now getting up for a bloody fight with her nancy-boy opponents in the UNF. Viva El Presidente! The country is needing another war and Aiyo! a lot of people in the army is unemployed. That is bad. Army desserters types holding up banks and throwing the hand grenades! KILL BILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL POL-THEL FEATURES Tamilnet pic modified by Crazylanka  Vanni Man Provided With Belt by our corr in the Vanni Marie Colvin-Masalavaddai (SCN 24-10-2003) Today a Canada based aid organisation UNIBELTS provided free belts to the poor people of Vanni to stop their trousers or Vetti from falling down. A disastrous civil war had left most people without belts to support their trousers and some were even resorting to suicide in their shame. In view of his self proclaimed importance the chief of the tribe a man by the name of Velupillai Prabhakaran was provided with a specially made calf leather black belt from the people of Toronto. Pink Knickers A colourful character, Velupillai - also known as "Pink Knickers" because of his fondness for feminine underwear- welcomed this initiative. He said "In the last war that I led against the Evil Empire Of The South my trousers often kept falling down. I remember even in school my trousers would fall down and the other boys would laugh at my pink knickers. That'sh why I decided to become a ruthless killer. Who is Ruth by the way?" KILL BILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILLMore Pink Knickers to follow! Ennadah! Not exactly a Marks & Spencer catalogue model but Pink and Naughty!

VOL2 NO 32 .............................................................Happy Deepavali
	Crazylanka Wishes HAPPY DEEPAVALI TO OUR TWO READERS! MORE DEEPAVALI PICTURES
MORE FUN AND GAMES! "MOUSTACHE IS TOP MAN" SHOCK! Tamil girls from Bambalapitiya show their allegience to the PA leader Mahinda Moustache by wearing moustaches.... ADVANTAGES OF A MULTICULTURAL SOCIETY Ethnic food and drink Lots of Public Holidays! Civil wars! (Advantage? - Ed) Er.... Thatsh it! RANIL RECIEVES "BEST CLOWN" AWARD! Most pics above pinched from Tamilnet which Tamilnet pinched from other sources who in turn stole them from other sources...and so on and so forth! We at Crazylanka modified them..as usual! Ennadah! Today the Glorious Leader of the Republic of Crazylanka was given another trophy to add to his vast collection of trophies. This one is of Platinum and Rhodium alloy with inset diamonds and Lapiz Lazuli... Meanwhile the country was flourishing and firing on both cylinders... The railway service is now up and running....Backwards. MORE NEWS FROM CLOWN CONGRESS OF KOTTE! KOFI ANNAN FINDS SUCCESSOR CLOWN! Left: The next Secretary General of the United Nations Weera Tyronne Appu shows off his skills with a view to convince everyone that he is well travelled and a "Man of the World". In reality he is he is a typical "Lindé Inna Mediya" ("The frog who lives at the bottom of the well") He has absolutely no understanding of the world apart from a very badly drawn map of the world which he drew in second grade and where he got North and South completely mixed up... He got a school prize for thish! 23-10-2003 SCN Punchi Borella with a little help from AFP and Sena Widanegama

VOL 2 NO 31	Big Roll of Toilet Tissue!
Lankans Have A Whale Of A Time! LIFE GETS BETTER AND BETTERER! Two years ago people were dying now they are living and getting betterer!... By our corr. in the pink tinted spectacles. (SCN 17-10-2003) *** Today a survey commissioned by the Garment and endorsed by the Garment and presented to the people by the Garment showed that the Glorious Island Paradise Serendib, Pearl Of The...(Geton wiv it! - Ed) Sri Lanka was getting better all the time. For eggshample: Today life expectancy improved dramatically, fish prices dropped dramatically and the Garment dramatically.. (That'sh enough dramatising - Ed)...stopped smoking on the railways! What more you want? HAVE A LONG LIFE! Lanka Life Expectancy Improves Dramatically! Two accused in the Dalada Maligawa bombing case, Muthulingami Dharmallingam and Krishnasamy Ramalingam being led out of the Kandy High Courts premises by police officers after they were sentenced to death. Pic by Shane Seneviratne. In addition to the death sentence, the first accused Ravindran Subramaniam was jailed for 660 years on 34 counts, the third accused Muthulingam Pillai Dharmalingam was jailed for 680 years and the fourth accused Krishnaswamy Ramalingam to 660 years by High Court Judge S.C.Lekamwasam. The second accused Muthulingam Jeewaraja alias Master was acquitted by Court. Yesterday, life expectancy in Sri Lanka improved dramatically when some terrorist chaps who tried to blow up Dalada Maligawa (Buddhist Dental Surgery, Kandy) got 600 year life sentences! The previous known longest living person was Noah in the Bible who lived for 900 years. These terrorist chaps can now expect to live for 600 years... Aiyo Muthulingam! One of the terrorists who was unfortunately acquitted was totally disgusted about being acquitted. " Look Aiyah! All we want is long life.....I don't want to be acquitted!" Muthulingam Jeewaraja alias Master Sir had to be taken out of court screaming and kicking to be released! Fish Prices Drop! Dramatically! Sushi Bars Latest Lankan Hi Spot By our corr Suranganita Malugenawa of Garment Fishy Corp. BREAKING NEWS: GIANT JAPANESE CORPORATION MAKES MILLION YEN BID FOR ROTTING WHALE CARCASS NEAR BAMBALAPITIYA!..............GARMENT WILL SELL ANYTHING TO JAPAN!............GARMENT SETS UP PEOPLES WHALE CORPORATION! ............MINISTER OF WHALES APPOINTED!.... Today at St John's Fish Market in the Pettah fish was selling cheaper than it has been for a long long, long, long, loooooong time! Oh What A Glorious Smell! OTHER STORIES: Strong Schmell Near Passport Office! Very Very Strong Smell Always Near Passport Office! A large seafaring mammal waiting for a visa to be issued collapsed and died near the passport office at Bambalapitiya.(right) The unnamed whale was on his way to Bora Bora but got stranded at Bambalapitiya where it had to queue up for a visa renewal. "He is not the only one" said Thilanganika Thilakasekera of Homagama "I have been in this queue for three weeks to get my papers to go to Dubai to work as an exotic dancer....now I find myself pregnant. No, I don't know who the father is! There were a lot of men pushing against me in the queue. Don't ask such personal questions!" Advertisement Don't Click Button! Malu! Malu! Malu! This giant whale was found washed ashore on the stretch of beach in Bambalapitiya adjoining the Passport office last morning. Its body was riddled with huge scars and cut wounds inflicted by a ship’s propeller. Here a lone fisherman making a close inspection of the dead mammal. Picture by Chintaka Kumarasinghe/ Daily News 16-10-2003 Railway men make an attempt to lift the whale’s carcass from the shore with a mobile crane but gave up. Picture Kamal Wanniarachchi/The Island 17-10-2003. Original caption: Girls from Holy Family Convent nearby in their white uniforms and ties, and ladies in sarees all clambered to look. (Source: The Island, unknown photographer. ) COUNTRY COMES TO STANDSTILL! NATION PAYS TRIBUTE TO DEAD WHALE! by our corr A. Sirisena (SCN) Aiyo! Today glorious Country coming to standstill and peoples of all walkings of life paying tribute to Divangatha Whale. Even convent schoolgirls are coming! In white uniforms billowing in the wind and...(that'sh enough schoolgirls! - Ed) Sangika Dana were being offered and the ArchBishop holding special Requee-em Mass. Meanwhile in San Joan Market in the Pitakotuwa fish prices were (That'sh enough fishy stories! - Ed) ON OTHER PAGES "Is This Whale Karawe or Govigama?" asks Harris B. Hulugalla. "Is This Whale Sinhala or Tamil?" asks Sihala Urumaya "Is This Whale Catholic or Buddhist or Muslim or Hindu? Can We Eat Whale Meat On A Friday? " Railways Improve Dramatically! Diesel Engines To be Stopped Smoking! Fort and Maradana Railway Stations declared no smoking zones The Fort and the Maradana Railway Stations were declared as Smoke Free Zones by the General Manager (Operations) of the Department of Railway. Mr. Nimal Wijesingbe, General Manager (Operations) at the inauguration ceremony held to declare Fort and Maradana Railway Stations as Smoke Free Zones said "I have received various complaints, especially from females regarding the inconveniences they had to undergo due to tobacco smoke in trains and at railway stations. From today onwards I hope they could travel comfortably. As such I treat this occasion as an historic event". (Daily Mirror 16-10-2003) By our SCN corr. Samudra OfficeWorker (third row window seat second carriage) FAMOUS SRI LANKAN RAILWAY SAYINGS NO 1: "If they have no trains give them non-smoking compartments!" El Presidente Emelda St. Bridgets-Kumaratunga (with a little help from that Ranil Boy!) The Jayawewa type Razzmatazz, Hoorah and other Joyousness that accompanied the announcement by the Glorious General Manager (Operations) of the railway was not shared by one and all. In fact by no one at all! *** " What cigarette smoking!(Thupp! Ugé Ammata!)" said a Watti Amma type big female from Modera carrying a basket of fish and smoking a big Jaffna cigar as most fish women do. "Ugé Amma..*%$ (Thatsh enough expletives! - Ed) If they want to improve railway they must first run trains. There is no smoking at railway stations now because there are no trains!" Most passengers who had been waiting for a regular train service for months were in total agreement that the worst culprits were the badly tuned diesel engines. MORE PIE IN THE SKY! New Police Chief Irradicates Police Corruption Chief Justice Resigns Presidente Turns Up For Appointment Two Minutes Early Drivers Who Don't Stop At Pedestrian Crossings To Be Executed (Thatsh enough Pie In The Sky! - Ed)

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