|SCN, Srilanka Crazy News and the slogan "We weed out the serious news" are trademarks of the SCN/ MadPage/ McMaluPaan Corp.|
|VOL 2 NO 37........................................................Annus Horribilis Issue (we said Annus...! Not the terminus of the large bowel!)|
God Converted To Buddhism!
Holy God we Praise thy haircut........?
by our corr J. Christ of SCN, Heaven
26th Dec 2003
There was widespread shock among Archangels, Seraphim and Cherubim when a bearded old man called God shaved his hair off, donned saffron robes and said "Nammo Dhassa Baghavato..etc!".
24th December 2003
Father Christmas Nearly Assaulted!
New Laws To Ban Conversion To Father Christmasism!
by our corr. Jehovah's Witnesswardena, SCN Mariakade.
Today, a bearded man in a red suit calling himself Santa Claus was nearly assaulted, hung, drawn and quarter-poundered.... (You have used that joke before!- Ed) ....by unruly and ruly (ruly? - Ed) mobs gathered at the funeral of the Independence Square Thero at the Ven. Gangodawila Square in Colombo who died in Russia.
Earlier this man had been accused of proselyte...er proteolysis..er proteinlysing...er trying to convert Buddhists to Christianism.
Lions Vs Christians
"Whilst we have no objection to Christmas and Christians, and we in fact enjoy the drinking and drunken roistering that goes in the name of J. Christ, we object to Buddhists being forced to go to church at midnight" said a spokesman for the United Front for Starting a Riot on any Excuse (UFSRE).
Archbishpop Markus Jesuwardena, the Bish. of Borella said "There is absolutely no historical evidence that Jesus Christ was born on the 25th of December. In fact the 25th was a Pagan festival that the Christians hijacked!"
|"Kill the Rabbit! Kill the
(Elmer Fudd in Warner Bros 'toons)
Following the stalemate created by the inability of the Sinhalese Buddhist majority to beat the shit out of the Tamils and the stalemate caused by the infighting between El Presidente Chandrapala and her toy boy Rani, there has been considerable frustration among the masses and no outlet for letting off of venom.
Father Christmas, generally considered to be a harmless eccentric who goes "Ho! Ho! Ado!", is an ideal target for the Racist, Nazi, Commie, Pol-pot, Chandrika, Velupillai, Mullah Hakeem, George Bush Global Warmongering Saddam Hussein, unwashed, Stinko, Genghis Khan, Imran Khan, Muralitharan.... (That'sh enough inshults!- Ed)
Maradana Police today arrested a bearded man in a red suit for attempting to climb down a chimney..
Father Christmas Granted Bail by Maradana Magistrate
The low paid Maradana Magistrate granted bail to Santa Claus on reciept of a generous bribe from God....
Garment to Order Inquiry Into Father Christmas's Arrest
The Garment which has nothing better to do than to order an inquiry today predictably ordered an inquiry into the events leading up to the arrest and subsequent incineration...incarceration...of Rev. F. Christmas..
"We already thought that the Papacy was dead on the grounds that the Catholic Church which still objects to Family Planning...Any organisation that objects to so called Family Planning, which is basically a licence to fornicate, must be dead...!
|Boy Born In Stables Named!|
|The Daily Mirror's contribution to religious harmony
(obviously modified by crazylanka)
As the Holy family greets us on this Christmas morning, we need to remember that Christmas is essentially a family festival where the extended family gathers at the table for a meal in a spirit of sharing, caring and forgiveness. (This drawing is by Buddhist artist B. Wimalaratne as his contribution to Christmas and religious harmony)
|VOL 2 NO 36...................................................................HÅGAR visits Mrs Horrible!|
|NØRWEGIANS GET ØUT ØF SRILANKAN
14th of November 2003
Latest news emerging from the People's Democratic Socialist Republic Cesspit of SriLanka indicates that the Norwegians have departed in search of better toilet facilities allowing Presidente Chandrani and Pry Minister Ranoris to swim in the effluent!
|JUST FANCY THAT!|
15th November 2003
Norway suspends facilitation
Norwegian Deputy Foreign Minister Vidar Helgesen said yesterday that Norwegian facilitators would go home and wait until political clarity was established in Sri Lanka, pointing out that peace talks could have resumed immediately if not for the political crisis.
15th November 2003
We won't abandon peace process, says Helgesen
by Uditha Kumarasinghe and Asanga Warnakulasuriya
Norway has no intention of abandoning the peace process, Norwegian Deputy Foreign Minister Vidar Helgesen said yesterday
|FÛnny Nåmed Men Return!
by our corr NØßMÅN PåNDØMSSON of SCN Pønchi Børella
13th Nov 2003
Today a bunch of cheap-suited-white-skinned-Johnnies with funny names and funny accents arrived on the island.
WØT? Nø Baila?
The previøus repørted sighting øf these aliens was in ÅD1505 when a bunch øf drunks frøm Lisbøn arrived at Cølømbø and intrøduced Wine, Baila and Røman Cathølicism møre ør less in that ørder. (What wrøng with that? - Ed)
Åt that time the brave bøys øf Sihala Urumaya (led by Harris Hulugalla of The Daily Chrønic) and the LTTE øbjected tø their incursiøn but a silly king by the name of Sri Wickrema Ranillsssøn signed a Maritime Trade Givisuma (MTG! Sri Lankans like Åcrønyms! ør is it Åcrømegaly?)..(Thatsh enøugh fønny characters! - Ed!)
See what happened to the country then? We still have Fernando De Silva types...shtill in the country!? Only Up-Country Kandy Uderatiyans and Hulugalla's only pleease...No Foriginers except when they have Dollars?...
NOW? WØT (I mean What?)
So why are we allowing Norwegians into country? Do they drink wine? Do they sing Baila? ....or are they a bunch of boring farts? NorskNorsk språkråd Norsk språkråd språkråd Also Sparack Zarathustra Richard Strauss Warmonger Ennadah AdØ!
|VOL 2 NO 35 ......................................................Crisis Issue (What crisis?)|
Today there was a dramatic change at the Crazylanka/McMalupaan Corp/SCN (the publishers of The Daily Pol-Thel) when a mad woman called Mrs. Crazylanka refused to cook and nearly hit the Managing Director with a large saucepan....
|New Boss Man At Rival
Our nearest rivals, The Daily News of Beira (readership of 2) was today revamped by their new boss Jayasena Dekatanewila who was appointed by a mad woman called Mrs Chandrani Gothabaya who threatened to hit him with a large saucepan......
The Daily Noise are long term suppliers of toilet tissue to whoever is in charge of the country.
|RETURN OF THE DARK SUIT!
SrilankaCrazyNews, Pettah (Next to Ranjani Tailors, GasPaha Handiya) 8-11-2003
Today Twenty Eight Million Three Hundred Thousand and fifty two people including Maggie Akka of Ihala Gedera lined the Airport Road to see the return of a man in a dark suit who hurriedly changed his suit into a white Nashional Suit at 10,000ft on the approach to Katunayake Airport.
Previously the same man had been seen in his trade mark dark suit in Washington DC in the company of another suit called Bush.
On his arrival at the Wickremesinghe Airport, Sri Lanka, the Dark Suit was mobbed by the people who had spent 12 hours to see him. Several very pretty air hostesses were seen to ....
Pease Pudding Hot!, Pease Pudding Cold!,
Peace Pudding in the Pot Nine Days Old!:
Shome like it Hot, Shome Like it Cold,
Peace Pudding In The Pot Nineteen years Old!
Old Norse Nursery Rhyme composed by Vidar Helgarranillson (circa AD 2003)
(A very, very, very humble apology!)
In common with our rivals, we at the Daily Pol-Thel, may have in the past given our readers the impression that Her Honourable Majesty Glorious Chandrika Supreme Commander Horagolla Bandaranaike Kumaratunga was a spent force ready to be carted off to the old people's home.
Recent turn of events have very, very sheriously frightened us and have made us change this view. We therefore apologise to her profusely especially since we may now lose our jobs or worse be arrested and held incommunicado with violation of our human rights and other orifices, carted off to Bogambara Prison, hauled up before the Chief Justice, hung, drawn and quarter poundered with cheese. We therefore....(Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! - Ed)
|How Rani's Return Was Reported By The World Press|
King SriSanghabo Returns!
Today the famous King of Sri Lanka Ranil Sri Sanghabo Wicks returned to the capital Anuradhapura after an absence of a few days during which time his arch-rival the Gothabaya had tried to take over the country.
People were very very pleased to see that Ranil still had his head on....
Today it rained Dhara-Nipatha in Anuradhapura. There was widespread flooding..
More rains predicted. Gloomy future...
No One At Airport!
Today hardly anyone was seen along the road from the airport to Colombo. The airport was unusually quiet and no important people passed through the airport.
Some anti-Lanka foreign news agencies like Rewters, AFP, Walled Street Journal, The Hindustan and Crazylanka making up false stories about a man called Ranil returning after a trip to a small country called America and thousands of people lining the airport road. This is simply not true.
Our reporter Norman Pandamsekera saw only two stray dogs at the airport.
The airport is named after our Glorious leader .....
Other news: Today the Sri Lankan Shtock Market Did Not Crash! It actually...
Only Udarata people should rule Sri Lanka! Ranil is not fit to run anything. Norwegians are Bastards! I am a Teetotaller! Buy Lion Tea! Read my books!
Ruling classes must be destroyed and peoples mandate upheld. Kill the Imperialist, Foreign, Norwegians, American Running Dogs, anything that moves and UNPers!
Ennadah! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Vannakkam Nerum Moondomani...Yalpanam Poma...
Oi! Anyone for Palmyrah toddy....Yesh shir...come, come, come, come, come, come ...have a sheat..er seat....shit down....Ha! Ranil Madayan! Ennadah Chandrika Velvettithurai Pooneryn Perumkayam Enna Varatham Shapada illeya? Short back and shides shir? If you are asking me thish political shituation....
On the one hand we have the Singhala Muniya and on the other hand there is the Demala Muniya and (yesh we know that this is a very old Sri Lankan Recycled Joke so don't bother writing to us! - al Ed) .....
During the time of the Ramadan we steer clear of bad influences like Ranil and try to get back on the Chandrika bandwagon...or we might get back on the Ranil bandwagon or on the other hand we might even.... provided that we are...but..shabdhi ish a good drink but do not drink too much of it and how about Watalappan?
|VOL 2 NO 34 .......................................................Auctioning the country issue|
|Breaking News: King Sirisanghabowickremesinghe not yet ready to cut off his own head!|
|Today, according to reports
emerging from our source The Mahavamsa of Punchi Borella, the King of
Sri Lanka King Ranil SriSanghabowickremesinghe (AD 2000-AD
2003) (247AD-249AD? Shurely shome
mistake! ? -Ed) was not yet ready to cut his head off and hand it
over to the nasty Mrs Chandrika Gothabaya.
Link to Ancient Idiot Kings of Sri Lanka and Harris Hulugalla
(AFP/Sena Vidanagama) obviously modified and manipulated by crazychandrani.com
HOW WE BROKE THE NEWS!
|by our corr Guthilla Kawaya (SCN Beira
A former Minister of the now-defunct hated Ranil Regime is reduced to selling newspapers and reads about what happened to his Garment. (left)
Clever readers might notice that the Daily Pol-Thel is now the newspaper with the highest circulation anywhere in Borella.
MORE CRAZY PICS ARE ON..er..um..CRAZYPICS!
|We Told You So!
HEADS ROLL AS WOMAN GOES ON RAMPAGE!
Same Film, New Episode!
|By our Pali-mentary Correspondent Moustache M.
Rajapassa (SCN Kotte 4-11-2003)
Today a woman by the name of Chandrani St. Brides ("The Bride") who had been in a coma since the last election got up from her coma and went on the rampage with a sword and cut the heads and other parts of three not-very-well-known Government Ministers whilst their boss "Bill" was in America having tea with an underworld figure known as "The Bush".
Wearing a bright yellow sari with two black stripes and a matching yellow-and-red top she single handedly beheaded three important Garment Ministers.
The nasty pieces of work now running the country were trying to finish off "The Bride" first by impeaching the Chief Justice and then trying to pass various nasty bills in parliament.
(That'sh why we call thish film "Kill Bills"! Very, very simple, no? neda?)
For my own part in this bloody film I will be joining up with a few shifty actors and I hope to be the next Pry Minister of the Glorious Republic of Sri Lanka.
This is much easier than fighting an election. I always wanted to be the Pry Minister!
It is all film acting anyway!
Yesh! We told you so! Just a week ago in our "Black Suspender Belt
Issue" (Vol 2 No 33) we predicted a Kill Bill type scenario.
LEFT: Chandrani Horagolla in "Kill the parliament Bills" RIGHT: Our corr Moustache Rajapassa: Blind about to lead the blind?
| Army Deployed to Guard Crazylanka
President Chandrani St.Bridgets today personally instructed the Army to protect The Crazylanka Press which was getting ready to run off the Crazylanka Gazette which was designed to kill bills...........contd
Ranil Gets Political Asylum In Hawaii!
"Nice girls with nice garlands of flowers! Better than Bataleeya Kaju Girls" said Ranil the former Pry Minister of the Paradise Island of Sri Lanka after he was ousted by a mad woman.
Sipping a "Tequila Sunset" in a tall glass and wearing a Lei of Frangipani and a pair of gaudy shorts the hairy-chested former .............contd
Velupillai says "Ennadah!"
"Adey! With all theesh Singhaleesh idiots fighting amongest themshelves there ish no need for us to do anything!" said a dark skinned swarthy gentleman sipping a pot of palmyrah toddy in Killinochchi.
Velupillai Aiyah, a well known drunk in these parts was responding to the latest news to emerge from Colombo......contd
CULTURAL GAMES START OFF AT COLOMBO TOWNHALL!
POPE JP 2: Funnyman of the century! Link to The Onion
Today the country was being breaking up and sold at an auction.
Earlier the LTTE in NEP and NP asking for ISGA and the SLMM......(Thatsh enough acronyms! - Ed).
Boys Named Su
The SU...er..Sihala Urumaya was making a desperate counter bid and was trying to buy the Colombo Town Hall.
And Aiyo! There were all sorts of wild animals in the Vanni as well as in the Colombo and Aiyo what is thish country coming to etc.. Will that do Editor Sir?
|SCN, Srilanka Crazy News and the slogan "We weed out the serious news" are trademarks of the SCN/ MadPage/ McMaluPaan Corp.|
|VOL 2 NO 33........................................................... Black Underwear Issue|
"When I am in London I always buy Marks & Spencer underwear"
|KILL BILL KILL
Chandrani Wins Black Suspender Belt!
by our corr. Norman Pandamwadana, SCN Punchi Borella 25-10-2003
"Enu Dushtaya! Ganu Kaduwa"
Famous catchphrase in Sinhala films...
Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill".
Apologies to Ms Thurman!
Millions lining streets of Colombo waving their
Today the top athletic of the Glorious Republic of Sri Lanka Chandrani St. Bridgets (Above right and left) win the prestigious "Black Suspender Belt" Award for armless combat with her male colleagues in a career spanning over 50 years!
In a performance which is putting Quentin Tarantino's film "Kill Bills" in the shade Chandrani is demolishing all her political opposition in spite of very, very, very, bad propaganda against her by people of the UNF who have been trying to take away her keys to the Executive Toilet at Kotte.
Awaking (Awakening? - Ed) from a four year coma she is just now getting up for a bloody fight with her nancy-boy opponents in the UNF.
Viva El Presidente!
The country is needing another war and Aiyo! a lot of people in the army is unemployed. That is bad. Army desserters types holding up banks and throwing the hand grenades!
|VOL2 NO 32 .............................................................Happy Deepavali|
HAPPY DEEPAVALI TO OUR TWO READERS!
MORE DEEPAVALI PICTURES
|VOL 2 NO 31||Big Roll of Toilet Tissue!|
|Lankans Have A Whale Of A Time!
LIFE GETS BETTER AND BETTERER!
Two years ago people were dying now they are living and getting betterer!...
By our corr. in the pink tinted spectacles. (SCN 17-10-2003)
Today a survey commissioned by the Garment and endorsed by the Garment and presented to the people by the Garment showed that the Glorious Island Paradise Serendib, Pearl Of The...(Geton wiv it! - Ed) Sri Lanka was getting better all the time.
For eggshample: Today life expectancy improved dramatically, fish prices dropped dramatically and the Garment dramatically.. (That'sh enough dramatising - Ed)...stopped smoking on the railways! What more you want?
The previous known longest living person was Noah in the Bible who lived for 900 years. These terrorist chaps can now expect to live for 600 years...
One of the terrorists who was unfortunately acquitted was totally disgusted about being acquitted.
" Look Aiyah! All we want is long life.....I don't want to be acquitted!"
Muthulingam Jeewaraja alias Master Sir had to be taken out of court screaming and kicking to be released!
Fish Prices Drop! Dramatically!
Sushi Bars Latest Lankan Hi Spot
By our corr Suranganita Malugenawa of Garment Fishy Corp.