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|Sri Lanka Has Weapons of Mass Destruction!
(By our corr. Ms Patty Cutliss drinking a Manhattan in a nice hotel overlooking Brooklyn Bridge, New York 19-12-2002)
A United Nations weapons inspection team today confirmed that Sri Lanka has developed Weapons of Mass Destruction!
An ashen faced Nod Nordenstrom told the UN sitting that inspite of the bonhomie and the Paradise Island image of the country the despotic ruler Saddam Wickremesinghe has been responsible for a programme of developing the most destructive weapons imaginable to Americankind which could lead to millions of casualties in the near future.
The inspectors found large areas of the country devoted to a government sponsored mosquito breeding programme. These specialised mosquitoes are programmed to carry the deadly diseases Dengue Fever and Malaria.
"Imagine releasing a handful of such mosquitoes in the New York Subway!" said a WHO expert with a Brooklyn accent.
"All Americans should be given Anti-Malaria pills but buggered if we know what anti-malarials are!
For years we have neglected third-world type nasty diseases and our medical services have largely concentrated on cosmetic surgery using Botox!
Say boy? Isn't Botox a Biological nasty?"
The inspectors found a large quantity of an organo-phosphorus compound popularly known as "Folidol".
"This is nerve gas!" said a UN inspector. "Everyone knows that so called Nerve Gas is an organo-phos. This guy Ranil Hussein has some cheek trying to explain it away as an agricultural pesticide!"
In the Southern part of the country the inspectors found a facility described as a distillery which produced an amber coloured liquid labelled as "Arrack".
"This was clearly not fit for human consumption. Our analytical chemists found large amounts of Methanol, Kerosene, Dioxin, 2,6 Di-thio-3triacetyl-diamino-marzipan and other nasties!" said an inspector.
"Saddam Ranil is using this weapon on his own people.
People are forced to line up at government run establishments and are forced to drink the stuff! There is sherious violation of Human Rights here!"
In an establishment called the "Cancer Hospital" in a suburb of Baghdad called Maharagama the inspectors found a quantity of Radium and a Pisitron Accelerator.
"Anyone with basic O Level chemistry knowledge could make a nuclear device with these" said Fermium vonRocketoffsky the UN expert on Nuclear devices.
"I should know that. My late Dad helped the USA develop the Atomic devices which cooked the Japs at Hiroshima!"
Two outlets in Colombo were engaging youngsters on minimum wages to produce dangerous devices known as "MacDonalds" known to cause obesity, diabetes, hypertension and heart disease.
"All this is clear proof of his ambitions. We should go in there now and seize control of all the Coconut Oil reserves of Saddam's country" said Coolin Towers a dark skinned American chap.
Copyright © www.crazylanka.com 2002
First written on the 19th of Dec 2002