Ranil's Diary Your's Truly, Ranil Wicks. Vol 1 Rite to Ranil
Today I bought a new diary and a new pen and decided to rite i mean write a diary. I used to write a diary but my mother would read it which is very naughty of her. But now I am grown up. Maithree said it was time for my Norwegian lessons but I pretended that I hadn't heard her. She is a good woman.
Your's truly,
Ranil Wicks.

20th March 2002
Today I got back from that strange country Jaffna. I flew in a big aeroplane with four engines! The pilot wouldn't let me fly the plane and I was a bit annoyed. "If Prince Charles can fly a plane why can't I ?" I asked. "Because you haven't had any flying lessons!" shouted someone. "What about Tintin?" I asked. That was a good one. " Has anybody got any parachutes" shouted somebody else. Later the pilot let me sit in his seat and told me not to touch anything. Maithree told me not to eat anything for a few days because because I had been eating and drinking too much in Jaffna. Everybody is telling me things not to do. The palmyrah toddy was nice though and I enjoyed my trip!

21st March 2002
Today we had another election and I won! We had to put up a lot of posters of course with my face on them. People vote for my face! I knew we were going to win and I told so to Maithree but she said "Don't count your chickens before they are hatched"! That is strange because I don't keep any hens. It is the same when I start talking about the Peace Process. They always talk about chickens! Anyway we got a lot of votes and we played the game well although my old classmate Chandrika and her fat brother called "Foul"

22nd March 2002
Today I had to sit in parliament and listen to a boring speech by my friend "Icy" Choksy. Usually I do all the talking and other people listen to me. Most of the time that is. Occasionally, my friend Mahinda shouts from the other side asking me to take my foot out of my mouth...but he is jealous because he is not the Pry Minister. I am the Pry Minister! I get to talk a lot. Anyway, "Icy" Choksy who looks after our drinks fund (which he calls the Budget) suddenly said that there was no money left. Strange! "If there is no money how come you are wearing a nice new suit?" I asked! Clever me! Everybody liked that one and they all laughed including Choksy. So it must have been a very clever rejoinder from me!

23rd March 2002
Today was the 50th death anniversary of our first Pry Minister D.S.Senanayake. If he had lived he would have been a hundred years old but he didn't! He was also the first Pry Minister to fall off a horse. Maithree tells me not to ride high horses but I don't even like horses. Maithree says strange things like that sometimes. Anyway we had a good party and I even invited Mahinda. He is called the Leader of the Opposition and thinks that he should oppose me! He says that it is his job. To oppose me. Strange, because at parties he doesn't oppose me and is good fun! His second name is RAJAPASSA which means the King's Arse! Funny? I thought it was but Maithree didn't! Women are funny.

24th March 2002
Today being Sunday I got up late and read The Island, my favourite newspaper. I was pleased to note that they had written a lot of nice things about me.They said that I was the first Pry Minister to say sorry to the nation. I knew that I will be first in something! I told this to Maithree who made a funny face as if she had just stepped in a large, fresh cowdung. "They say that I am God!" I told her. "God almighty!" said Maithree rolling her eyes upwards. I said "They say that I am a Knight in Shining Armour". Maithree rushed to the toilet. Women are funny.

This is the second week I have been writing this diary and I have bought a new pen filled with gold glitter. When you invert the pen the you get a nice effect...I once used to have a pen with a picture of a naked woman on it but our class teacher confiscated it..

25th March 2002

Today was a bit of a bad day for me and it also happens to be a Monday! A friend of Prabha called Anton from London flew into the Vanni in a seaplane. I have never been in a seaplane and felt very jealous. Tintin can fly seaplanes and crashed one in "The Crab With The Golden Claws". One of my advisors smacked his own forehead and said rather sharply that Tintin was the least of our problems. He sounded a bit irritated but I reminded him that I was the Pry Minister. Some Pol Pots from the JVP who don't like me were protesting about this guy's visit. I couldn't see what the fuss was about. When he gets bitten by the Vanni mosquitos he will get back to London in a hurry! I must ban all mosquito nets in the Vanni.

26th March 2002
The Army has new weapons! That is the good news today! And we got them on the cheap by asking the Tamils if they had any spare weapons. They had and were only too glad to get rid of them. That was a very clever move on my part! It keeps everybody happy. Some people in a club called "Sihala Urumaya" have been complaining that the LTTE have brought in five shiploads of weapons. Good! I said. We will buy some off them!

27th March 2002
Those unwashed Commie Pol Pots of the JVP have been calling me another Puppet King like Don Juan Dharmapala. I was not sure who this guy Don Juan is and I asked Maithree if it was the Italian guy who had a lot of women. She said the Italian chap who had a lot of women was a guy called Cassanova and Don Juan who liked women was a Spaniard and this Dharmapala chap was a puppet king under the British and his speciality was not women! She said this rather sharply. Well I said we are not under the British anymore so I can't be a Puppet King! No but you are under the Norwegians she said! I let that go because I couldn't think of a good rejoinder!
Latterly she has been getting rather mouthy but she is a good woman.

28th March 2002
Yesterday we had a shouting match in parliament. It is called a debate and we had to debate about "Icy's" budget. I used to do a bit of debating in school. As usual the smelly lot on the other side didn't like it and voted against us but I knew that they were wasting their time because we have more votes. In fact I can't see the point of taking a vote because we have more votes than the smellies! Some of the Smelly Cigars of the TULF, PLOTE and EPDP voted for us as well which was very nice of them.

29th March 2002

Today is called "Good Friday" which is strange because it was a bad day for a good guy like me called Jesus who died nearly 2000 years ago. He was apparently beaten up by soldiers and then hung. Mahinda said the same thing could happen to me. But I told him there are no Roman soldiers anymore. They only lived in history. Mahinda rolled his eyes in a funny way.
It looks as if I will get a chance to go to Bangkok because Prabha of the LTTE Jackals wants to go shopping there and the Norwegians are keen to go there as well. Maithree insists on coming along because she says that she doesn't like those slity-eyed easy-come tarty Thai girls.

30th March 2002
Good Friday was a good day for me!
Goody! Goody! The Mullahs of the Eastern Province are farting about complaining about the treatment that they get at the hands of the LTTE Jackals. Good for them! Go on then! What are you waiting for? Fight off the Jackals yourselves!... or ask for help from Tora Bora! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Mullah Rauf Hakeem has gone to the Muddy Lagoon to sort things out! Apparently the Mullahs want a separate state as well! Right! Does anybody else want a separate state as well? Do the Kandy Lamissies want a separate state? What about Balapitiya? Why can't that be a separate state? Ha! Ha!...
"What are you laughing at?" asked Maithree.
"At myself!" I said.
That shut her up a bit!...just a bit!
That was a very clever rejoinder on my part! I must store it for future use.

Your's Truly,
Ranil Wicks.

P.S. Do U like my signature? What does P.S. stand for?

This feature launched on the 23rd of March 2002. Based on "The Diaries of John Major" in Private Eye which itself was based on the Adrian Mole diaries by Sue Townsend. SCN, Srilanka Crazy News and the slogan "We weed out the serious news" are trademarks of the SCN/ MadPage/ McMaluPaan Corp.

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