Ranil's Diary Your's Truly, Ranil Wicks. VOL2 Rite to Ranil ARCHIVES{short description of image}
Today I bought a new pen which has got a picture of Brittney Spears. I also got myself a nice new diary from our chap in the UN who sent me a official UN diary for 2001. This might cause some confusion with the dates but here we go...

31st March 2002
The Queen Mother has died. Hurrah! That gives me another chance to visit London. I am a little bit worried that Satellite CBK might try to elbow me out of attending the old woman's funeral on the basis that she is the President. Her's is just a symbolic office. CBK's that is! So was the QM's. I am the Pry Minister!
Apparently she liked Gin. The Queen M, that is! Not CBK. At the time of riting this, Maithree is in bed..so I am unable to tell you what she feels like about QM's death...Another shopping expedition at Marks & Suspenders...Ha! Ha!

1st April 2002
Today is April Fool's Day. This is the day that everybody realises that I haven't ritten my own diary and that this is a spoof! It is written..sorry!... ritten by my advisors! Did you fall for that? Maithree nearly did!
Well actually, I do wright my own diary..So do keep coming back..to SriLanka...and to my dairy...bet you missed that last one!

On a sherious note: The unwashed Pol Pots of the JVP, through their propaganda sheet ( a Kalé Paththaré called "The Bell") have been spreading rumours about a rift between myself and Karu Jayasuriya. This is not true! There is no rift! It is that I just cant stand the B..er..the chap! That's all. Absolutely no rift!

2nd April 2002
Yesterday I phoned my rival Satellite CBK and told her that her Head of Security was going to be arrested. She took this rather seriously 'till I reminded her that it was April Fool's Day. She called me allsorts of names and then we had a good laugh. Today he was arrested! As Bugs Bunny would have said: "Ain't I Stinker?!" Ha! Ha!"What are you laughing at?" demanded Maithree. I call her "Manthree" now because she is more into politics than me. "Ain't I a stinker?" I said. "He who laughs last..." she said. I don't know what she meant.

4th April 2002
Today my wife Manthree, who had been surfing the web came across a nasty, commie, unwashed, stinking, proletariat, anti-me website called SPUR {short description of image}SPURwritten by Srilankans who left our glorious Motherland to wash dishes for the Australians...They were gloating over the news that Prabha might get the Pizza Prize from Nobel.
To tell the truth, I was a bit annoyed about this Pizza Prize business but then as those nasties at SPUR say, and I quote:
"Among those who were in the running for the Nobel peace Prize this year were: President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, Jonas Savimbi, who was assasinated last month, and Osama bin Laden."
Well of course I am a nice guy unlike Bob Mugabe and the late Jonas or even Henry Kissinger! Henry actually got the Pizza Prize for trying to bomb the shit out of the Vietnamese and the Lao. (At that time I was in University! Time flies....)
Anyway Manthree is annoyed because we could have had a nice trip to Sweden. "I will take you to Jaffna" I said. Manthree stuck her tongue out, made a face by sticking her thumbs in her ears and whilst waving the fingers made a sound like an expiring elephant: "PhooOOOOooo00000T! Like that!
She is nice though!

6th April 2002
The LTTE Jackals have apologised to the Mullahs for ethnic cleansing. That's nice! Just like washing clothes in Persil Automatic and then apologising! Meanwhile the Armchair Generals of London, Melbourne and Toronto, who of course fought the war single handed and won, are complaining that the Jackals are charging a visa fee to enter Eelam. So what? We will charge a return fee as well and open our own Duty Free shop. Ha! Ha! Clever me! "Sometimes I am so clever that it frightens me" I said to Manthree. She sniffed. Must be getting a cold.

7th April 2002
I wonder what's happening to my old-and-now-forgotten-adversary, Satellite!
I am the Pry Minister! She has not been in the news for a few months and that's a lifetime in violent politics! I asked Mahinda what was happening and he said "Time will tell"! This must be a cryptic reference to the fact that old Satellite brought in Daylight Saving Time!...I think....!
I asked Manthree what that meant. "In the Land of The Blind the one-eyed woman is Queen!" said Manthree with a rather Mona Lisa type enigma..enigmat...never mind...smile.
I didn't understand that one...She is a funny woman!

8th April 2002
Today my government opened the A9 without loss of life. This is more than that can be said of my friend Satellite and her Smellies who unsuccesfully tried to open the road with considerable loss of life.
Now that the war is over we have started another one. This time about buses on the A9. Why anyone should want to travel on buses is beyond me. Manthree and myself wouldn't be seen dead in one! I am not sure why anyone would want to travel on that blasted road anyway. There are no McDonalds anywhere in the north! I must remember to mention that to Prabha when I meet him and gloat about it. We have McDonalds in Colombo!


Your's Truly,
Ranil Wicks.

This feature launched on the 23rd of March 2002. Based on "The Diaries of John Major" in Private Eye which itself was based on the Adrian Mole diaries by Sue Townsend. SCN, Srilanka Crazy News and the slogan "We weed out the serious news" are trademarks of the SCN/ MadPage/ McMaluPaan Corp.

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