|Ranil's Diary Your's Truly, Ranil Wicks. Vol3||Rite to Ranil||ARCHIVES|
Today, I got a new pen to write my diary. This time from Japan! One of our chaps in Tokyo got it for me! I have to keep it hidden from Manthree because it has got a picture of a Japanese schoolgirl doing naughty things! The Japanese are funny people!
7th April 2002
I wonder what's happening to my old-and-now-forgotten-adversary, Satellite!
I am the Pry Minister! She has not been in the news for a few months and that's a lifetime in violent politics! I asked Mahinda what was happening and he said "Time will tell"! This must be a cryptic reference to the fact that old Satellite brought in Daylight Saving Time!...I think....!
I asked Manthree what that meant. "In the Land of The Blind the one-eyed woman is Queen!" said Manthree with a rather Mona Lisa type enigma..enigmat...never mind...smile.
I didn't understand that one...She is a funny woman!
8th April 2002
Today my government opened the A9 without loss of life. This is more than that can be said of my friend Satellite and her Smellies who unsuccesfully tried to open the road with considerable loss of life.
Now that the war is over we have started another one. This time about buses on the A9. Why anyone should want to travel on buses is beyond me. Manthree and myself wouldn't be seen dead in one! I am not sure why anyone would want to travel on that blasted road anyway. There are no McDonalds anywhere in the north! I must remember to mention that to Prabha when I meet him and gloat about it. We have McDonalds in Colombo!
10th April 2002
Today was The Day Of The Jackal. Prabha emerged out of the jungle to face a press conference! If he expected sympathetic whisky-soaks from the London Times and the BBC he was sadly mistaken because my friend Atal "Onion Bahjee" Vajpayee, the Indian Pry Minister had sent a load of reporters to grill him about Rajiv Gandhi's assass..assissas....er... death!
It was nice to see Prabha squirming like a roundworm after worm treatment!
"An unfortunate incident" he had said. Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes! Rather unfortunate! Like wetting your knickers! Ha! Ha! Ha!
"Knickers to you mate!" I shouted. Manthree looked at me in a funny way and asked me who's knickers I was shouting about. I said "Prabha's!". She looked at me in a very nasty manner. She is nice though!
11th April 2002
My friend Prabha had his 15 minutes of fame yesterday and apparently got a bit of column space in the pro-LTTE newspaper "The Times" of London.
Pity he didn't swallow his cyanide capsule. He would have got more column space....In their "Obituary Column"! Ha! Ha!..That would have been fun. Still, he hasn't achieved much.
As predicted, my friend Atal "Onion Bhaji" Vajpayee came to my rescue and said as far as the Indian Government was concerned Prabha was a persona non-grater...I mean a persona non-greater... I mean a non-wanted person! Unlike me! Everyone likes me!.... Except of course the Smellies of the PA who will grasp at anything to discredit me. This is fun considering that they, the Smellies of the PA, haven't got a single fingernail to scratch their arses!..or in Sinhala: "Puka kasagannata niyapoththak né"!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
13th April 2002
Tomorrow is the Sinhala and Tamil New Year. Unfortunately because Aunty Satellite mucked up the auspicious times by bringing in Daylight Saving Time no one is really sure what the auspicious times are. That woman has a lot to answer for!
Meanwhile Sonia Gandhi, the Italian girl wants Prabha extricted..I mean extradirected...er...sent to India as a criminal. "Good girl!" I said. "Who is this good girl?" asked Manthree sharply. I thought quickly and said "You of course!" I don't think she really believed that and she called me a "Nariya". I should phone Sonia but Manthree is watching me like a Ukussa! She is nice though!
14th April 2002
The Pry Minister's New Year Mess...
" Friends, Srilankans and Eelamese lend me your votes! This country has been a great country since King Vijaya landed somewhere with his boistrous friends and single handedly killed Elara, a Tamil chap and a member of the LTTE. Since then we have been fighting Tamils but now we have stopped that and are arguing about who should run the bus services between Omanthai and Yalpanam. Today is the New Year when the Sinhalese, Tamils and Norwegians should be united! I say: Let the Norwegians run the buses! That way you might get a half-decent bus service! In any case buses nor trains run on New Year's Day"
It has suddenly occurred to me: What about the Mullahs? They don't observe the New Year? Shit!
This feature launched on the 23rd of March 2002. Based on "The Diaries of John Major" in Private Eye which itself was based on the Adrian Mole diaries by Sue Townsend. SCN, Srilanka Crazy News and the slogan "We weed out the serious news" are trademarks of the SCN/ MadPage/ McMaluPaan Corp.