SCN Features Syndicate Presents....
Ranil's Diary Your's Truly, Ranil Wicks. Vol4
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|14th April 2002
The Pry Minister's New Year Mess...
" Friends, Srilankans and Eelamese lend me your votes! This country has been a great country since King Vijaya landed somewhere with his boistrous friends and single handedly killed Elara, a Tamil chap and a member of the LTTE. Since then we have been fighting Tamils but now we have stopped that and are arguing about who should run the bus services between Omanthai and Yalpanam. Today is the New Year when the Sinhalese, Tamils and Norwegians should be united! I say: Let the Norwegians run the buses! That way you might get a half-decent bus service! In any case buses nor trains run on New Year's Day"
It has suddenly occurred to me: What about the Mullahs? They don't observe the New Year? Shit!
15th April 2002
Today is New Year and the whole country came to a standstill. Since it had already been at a standstill during the Satellite/PA regime there was not much difference.
Another Norwegian chap called Vidar Helgesen came to see me. We call him "Viduliya" because we can't pronounce his name. So far only Norwegian men. No women. Pity!
Meanwhile a mad South Indian woman called Jayalalitha, who once used to act in South Indian B movies, is demanding Prabha's head. I said "Come and get it!...on a white steed....and bring MGR's sword along!"
If we could get his head we would have got it ourselves.... long time ago!
16th April 2002
I had a great time at Bentota with Viduliya Helgesen. It is a long time since I visited Bentota Beach. One day I might move the parliament to Bentota and make Bentota the Capital. "You might have to!" said Mahinda.... "When Prabha takes over everything north of Wellawatte!" he said with a funny look. "People will compare you to King Kavantissa!" he said. I don't know who this Kavantissa chap is. Must ask Manthree.
19th April 2002
I missed two days of writing my diary because of "Viduliya" Hellgarson and my trip to Bentota. That was a fun meeting partly because Manthree wasn't there and Viduliya paid all the drinks bills! Ha! Ha! The Hotel was nice as well.
I was also interviewed by the TIME magazine. When I got home I told Manthree about it! I mean, being interviewed by TIME...not getting drunk with Viduliya.
"I might end up as their 'Man Of The Year'" I said, mostly to myself but the old Ukussa overheard it and said "Only REAL men can be the TIME Magazine Man Of The Year! Chandrika might get there before you!"
That hurt! Still, she is a nice woman.... Manthree that is!
21st April 2002
Everyone is blaming me for allowing the country to go down the drain. My argument is that I only inherited this mess recently and from Satellite and her Smellies of the PA. In any case the country can't go down the drain because the drains are blocked and have been blocked since the British left us. Just smell the Wellawatte Canal! Canal No 5! Ha! Ha!
Meanwhile Prabha and his Jackals are fighting Jayalalitha and her MGR's of Tamil Nadu...verbally at the moment....But just watch this space....!
PS I need to get a new pen. This one is leaking!
The number two crazy Srilankan picture site!
The number one site is The Ceylon Daily Noise.
This feature was first launched on the 23rd of March 2002. Based on "The Diaries of John Major" in Private Eye which itself was based on the Adrian Mole diaries by Sue Townsend. Meant to be humour and satire. Not a vicious attack on my old friend Ranil. Copyright © Gyan Fernando but do copy it and pass it on to your friends...or publish it on your website..it is FREE!
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