SCN Features Syndicate Presents....
Ranil's Diary Your's Truly, Ranil Wicks. Vol7
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I have been riting..writing my diary for a few weeks now and have a very impressive collection of pens including a Parker ballpoint pen printed with a silver coloured logo of "Boeing". Not many people have Boeing pens!
5th May 2002
In case you have noticed, thanks to my efforts, it has been raining "Dhara Nipatha" as we say in Sinhala (and "Cats & Dogs" as they say in English. Why "Cats & Dogs"? No doubt they got killed falling from a height.)
Anyway, it is raining even in the catchment areas and it is all because of me: The Rainmaker.... Ranil The Rainmaker. Nice title for my autobiology...I mean autobiogeography..or is it geography...nevermind.
I am even thinking of ending the power cuts! The Smellies are fuming! During their time there was a severe drought. The proleteriat thought that that was because of a curse ("sapaya") against the PA Smellies. That's why they chose me! They were right.
Must stop the rain though...next minute we might have floods...Unfortunately I have forgotten how to stop the rain. Perhaps "Rain! Rain Go Away, Come again another day, Don't come when we want Peace, Rain rain go ....." might help.
6th May 2002
Yesterday I had an offer from a guy called Ronnie de Mel who is one of the PA Smellies. He said he liked me and my style and asked if could he join the UNP. I was flattered! I told Manthree about it. She made a funny face and a funny fart like noise like "PPPPrrrrppp!" "They always do that" she said pompously. "They change sides when they are on the losing side. Don't trust him!". I don't like women telling me what to do and so to put her down I said " I am going to give him a portfolio!"
Manthree stuck her tongue out and said "Minister of Garbage, Sewers & Canals!". Sharp tongue! But pretty.
Meanwhile, apart from a little target practise by the Navy, everything is quiet on the northern front. The Norwegians are running the country.
The rain is still raining. Manthree sings: " When it's raining it's raining, Tears from my heart!, Can't you see! the country's in a drain! Will somebody help me! Somebody HEEELP!...." Apparently it is a an old song by Fats Domino. That's what she tells me....
9th May 2002
I couldn't be bothered to rite..I mean wright my diary in the last few days because nothing happened! Nobody got killed in the war because there is no war anymore...at least not a "Shooting tooting butt kicking war(an' don' ya ferget it boy!)" as George Bush once said to me when discussing his global war efforts.
Yes! George did phone me! From the White House! Yes, he did call me a BOY but in America calling someone a Boy does not mean you are a boy! Very confucing!
Meanwhile Satellite is orbiting around somewhere around the globe trying to find a safe haven..I mean heaven...or is it haven? when she has to retire...like Idi Amin. Ha! Ha! No doubt Prabha will follow her to exhile or is it exhale?
10th May 2002
Today I got my magic formula write..I mean right. I stopped the rain. Meanwhile the reservoiers the reser.. the hydroelectric things are filled and we will very soon do away with the power cuts!
Bet Satellite is jealous! Ha! Ha! She couldn't start the rain! Ranil, The Rainmaker! That's me!
Manthree is quiet! Must be The Time Of The Month! Usually they get rather aggressive..I mean angry at that time...but then women are funny as I always say!
Yours truly, Ranil Wicks
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This feature was first launched on the 23rd of March 2002. Based on "The Diaries of John Major" in Private Eye which itself was based on the Adrian Mole diaries by Sue Townsend. Meant to be humour and satire. Not a vicious attack on my old friend Ranil. Copyright © Gyan Fernando but do copy it and pass it on to your friends...or publish it on your website..it is FREE!
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