SCN Features Syndicate Presents....
Ranil's Diary Your's Truly, Ranil Wicks. Vol8
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Today I am using a free ball point pen with a Panadol logo. As usual I got it from one of the opposition Smellies! Reckitt Colman have a virtual monopoly on the sale of this drug in Sri Lanka...I wonder why...
11th May 2002
I could kill that woman! Not literally! That would be Homicide or rather, Presidenticide!
She is gallivanting around the world while I run the country! Mahinda said I was jealous because she had met all the top people including Bill Gates. I bet she didn't know who he was. Once when hoteliers asked her to allow the import of apples she agreed and phoned Apple MacIntosh! The story goes that she thought that Bill Gates was the famous owner of a soft cotton fabric milling factory called Microsoft. The fact that he makes Windows (janela!) will confuse her further. Bet she makes a fool of herself. She doesn't know her htmlbow from her arse!
I don't give a toss if I don't ever meet Bill Gates but Manthree is very upset. "You should be travelling around the world! Not her!" she sniffed. I maintained a diplomatic silence.
16th May 2002
I am sorry to have missed two days of diary writing or is it five days! You don't realise time is flying when you are Pry Minister and enjoying life. The country came to another standstill. Our cricketers have been doing well! Thanks to me and my government. They beat the shit out of the English. All shows that since I became the Pee Em the country is in better shape! Kiriyeng Paniyeng Ethiray! Flowing with Milk and Honey! "Not if you have recently seen some of the drains of Nugegoda" said Manthree. "You can't have Milk and Honey in drains!" I said pompously.
Back to Cricket: I wonder if Murali will stay with us or join Eelam. That to me is more worrying than anything. Must offer him a portfolio in my government!
"Ministry of Balls" suggested Mahinda my friend in the opposition. "The whole government is a Ministry of Balls!" he said. I wonder what that means.
17th May 2002
Who needs Murali! We managed without him! By the same token who needs Yalpanam! We have our Jayasuriyas and Vazs and Attapattus. Who needs the Eelamese? As long as the cricket is good the country forgets other problems! Cricket is the Ganja of the masses!
19th May 2002
That woman! Who is running the country whilst she turns up at Lord's to watch the cricket!? It is me!
Manthree says "It is I" is more grammatically correct but who cares if it is I or me!
I... or should that be me... should be watching the cricket at Lord's! Not she..or is it her? As I...me...I said before, she is trying to get a job in the UN when we finally kick her out of the country!
She can join up with Tony Blair and his ghastly fixed-smile wife Cherry! Anyway I am now the "Kerum Karaya"! The "El Supremo". The "Ali Oluwa"! The "Veeraya"!
"The Veeraya of what is left of Sri Lanka!" said Mahinda. "Dehiwala is now the border!" he said.
"We still have Moratuwa, Pothupitiya and Wadduwa!" I said smugly.
20th May 2002
Oh yes! We still have Wadduwa. Let Prabha and his Jackals try to take Wadduwa. "We will fight them on the beaches...." as Shakespeare once said. William Shakespeare was the British Pry Minister during the Second World War!
21st May 2002
Today we are wonning...I mean winning another election. Why do we have so many elections in this small country? It keeps peoples' minds off the real problems and it keeps a lot of people employed. Oh yes! It keeps the poster printers employed! Anyway we are nearly winning like our great cricketers nearly didn't!
Anyway, to get on to other matters: Today we had the first dialog..dialogue with Prabha's Jackals!
If they knew what they were doing they should have registered their trademark as SUICIDE BOMBS tm. Then everytime the Palastinians blow up a Jew they could get Royalties..."Pay Per Blast" to use internet langwage..I mean language...Basawa...! BLASTCOUNTER tm!Today you had 22 hits! All from the Gaza Strip except one in Punchi Borella...Ha! Ha! Ha!
"Ranil! Stop talking to yourself and come to bed!"
I nearly forgot about her! That's what politics can do to you....
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This feature was first launched on the 23rd of March 2002. Based on "The Diaries of John Major" in Private Eye which itself was based on the Adrian Mole diaries by Sue Townsend. Meant to be humour and satire. Not a vicious attack on my old friend Ranil. Copyright © Gyan Fernando but do copy it and pass it on to your friends...or publish it on your website..it is FREE!
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