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Ducks have a field day Sunday Times 9 Dec 2001 Six independent groups and one recognised political party are in the running for the dubious honour of obtaining the lowest number of votes in Sri Lanka's parliamentary elections. Final results show that the unlucky seven obtained zero votes, indicating that even their own candidates did not vote for themselves at Wednesday's elections which were won by the UNP. Perhaps they were so illiterate that they could not even place an X - Ed

Pop the eyeballs

UK dealers sell 'vacuum bombs' to Sri Lanka 1,000 fuel-air rockets sent to put down Tamil Tigers as delays in passing promised export bill leave deadly loophole in British law Jamie Wilson and Bob Crew Guardian Friday November 23, 2001 British arms dealers have used a loophole in British law secretly to sell fuel-air weapons for use against Tamil Tiger insurgents in Sri Lanka, the Guardian can reveal. Human rights groups have called for such weapons, which are also known as vacuum bombs, to be banned. The force of fuel-air blasts can burst eyeballs out of their sockets and crush other internal organs. (We at SCN can't see what the fuss is about. Bombs are meant to kill. Right? So does it matter that the eyeballs pop out?! - Ed)

Thou shalt not steal thy neighbours coconuts

Falling coconut kills woman (Daily News 26 Nov 2001) A woman from Ballapana in the Galigomuwa area, having seen a coconut falling from a neighbouring tree near her house, walked there in order to pick the fallen nut and coincidentally, another nut fell and it was right on to her head causing her a fatal injury.

OH SH*T!

Contaminated food in school cafeteria (Daily News 20 Nov 2001) Traces of excreta were detected in samples of food sold in the cafeteria of a leading school in Colombo, in a surprise raid conducted by the Health Division of the Colombo Municipal Council. After several samples were tested it was further confirmed that the food had contained E.Coli bacteria related to excreta." It was also revealed that the kitchen of the cafeteria was in very unhygienic condition." officials of the department told the Daily News.

NEW LOCOMOTIVE FOR CGR

Sri Lankan grits teeth for record train tug COLOMBO, Nov. 6 (Reuters) SEE THE PICS A Sri Lankan farmer with an insatiable appetite for records said on Tuesday he was on track for a new world mark after using his teeth to pull a 40-tonne railway carriage more than 25 metres (yards). Burly Gamini Wasantha Kumara caused a few jaws to drop at Colombo's main Fort Railway Station as he bit down on the harness and heaved the massive carriage up and down the tracks several times to meet the criteria set by the Guinness Book of World Records. ''The previous record was to pull the carriage 80 ft (24 metres) in 29 minutes. I pulled it longer in 15 minutes,'' said Kumara, sweating profusely but managing a toothy grin to prove that he was none the worse for his labours. Kumara will have to wait until his bid is ratified by the Guinness Book, but has good reason to be confident he has not bitten off more than he can chew. Kumara has two previous entries in the Guinness Book -- one for a previous train pull and on another occasion for having 50 pound (22 kg) blocks of ice dropped on his stomach. (DEATH WISH! - Ed) His appetite for punishment undiminished, Kumara said he was only cutting his teeth for his next record. ''I am already practising to pull a 270 tonne ship for my next task,'' Wasantha Kumara said. Spotter: Ranil Bibile

Exam Chief to sit exam

Sri Lanka's exams chief a cheat Nov 04 2001 15:45 IST COLOMBO, Nov 4 (AFP) - Sri Lanka's commissioner of examinations is not qualified to hold his post as he has allegedly breached his own regulations by not passing English, a press report said Sunday. Exams boss A. M. R. B. Amarakoon has been asked by the auditor general to explain how he can be holding the top position when he never passed English at the high school level, the Lakbima newspaper said. He had five years ago attempted to sit for the English test paper for the General Certificate of Education, Ordinary Level, as a private candidate, in violation of internal departmental rules, the newspaper said. It also said the exams chief should have retired in 1999 on reaching age 60 but had received extensions of his service from the education ministry. There was no immediate comment from the exams chief or the education ministry. Spotter: Nimal Perera

No Choo-Choo train

Angry rail commuters attack station The Island 3 Nov 2001 Angry railway commuters attacked the Maradana railway station with stones last evening as trains were cancelled due to an ongoing strike by the engine drivers. Maradana station was damaged and a number of railway workers had also suffered injuries due to the attack, the Railway control room said. (SCN cannot see the logic of damaging railway property to improve the service! - Ed)

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