VOLUME 24	SCN SRILANKA CRAZY NEWS
SCN: WE WEED OUT THE SERIOUS NEWS!	INDEX

SCN, Srilanka Crazy News and the slogan "We weed out the serious news" are trademarks of the SCN/ MadPage/ McMaluPaan Corp.

Shocking! Positively Shocking!

Shock death of bus owner Daily News 10 Jan 2002 Eheliyagoda special correspondent A bus owner who heard an unusual sound of the horn of his parked bus at night died due to a shock within several minutes. This extraordinary story was stated at an inquest held at Eheliyagoda District Hospital on the death of Nimal Dharmadasa (33) of Pothdeniya in the Eheliyagoda police area. Sita Wijeratne (wife) testified that her dead husband was a strong UNP supporter and had behaved joyously for the past few days enjoying the victory. On the day of the incident, a group of villagers rushed at night to their house and informed them about an automatic sounding of the horn of the bus that was parked some distance away from the house. My husband and I rushed towards the bus and he asked me to disconnect the wires to stop the horn - sound. Then he went in the direction of the latrine. Soon I heard a sound from the direction of the latrine I ran there. I found him lying on the ground. With the help of some villagers, I took him to the hospital where he was found dead on admission. Eheliyagoda DMO, D.A. Seneviratne held the post-mortem examination. Kuruwiti Korale Palle Pattu, Inquirer into Sudden Deaths, K.B.A. Seneviratne recorded a verdict of natural death due to shock. Eheliyagoda police led evidence. (Spotter: Vinod Moonesinghe)

Forget Precepts, Lose Robe!

Man who disguised as a monk remanded The Island 10 Jan 2002 Kalutara: Kalutara magistrate Amal Rana Rajha ordered a person who disguised as a monk and roaming in Beruwala town arrested by Beruwala police and produced before him. (sic - Ed) The Magistrate ordered him to be remanded till January 30, 2002. Police told court that he appeared as Ven. Jothiratna thero but he could not say the five precepts. The suspect Ratnayaka Mudiyanselage Jothiratna is remanded on the orders of the magistrate. Police told court further that he was arrested on suspicion while he was roaming in Beruwala town and said that he was monk of Sailabimbaramaya temple at Ginigathena and his name was Ven. Jothiratna Thero. When the monks of neighbouring temples questioned him, he could not memorise the five precepts. (sic - Ed) The monk's attire was taken out at Beruwala police station and produced before court. The police told courts that the suspect should be remanded and wanted the police to submit a report regarding the suspect. (Spotter: Vinod Moonesinghe) This is rather worrying because even the Editor of SCN, who has broken all the precepts at one time or another and is not a monk, can still recite all the precepts (as well as the Ten Commandments)!

No news is good news

Only tea, no news Daily Mirror 10.01.02 The new Ministry of Plantations Industries does not seem to have taken proper root still. Journalists invited for minister Lakshman Kiriella's first news conference were pushed around in the main auditorium until Mr. Kiriella arrived more than one hour late. The journalists were first told to sit in the main auditorium and given a cup of tea. Then they were pushed to a corner of the auditorium and finally pushed out. Adding insult to the inconvenience, the journalists were told there would be no news conference but an official statement would be issued later.(At least they got a cup of tea but Arrack might have been better! - Ed) Spotter: Ranil Bibile.

Places not to sleep when drunk: No1 - Under a bus.

Run over while sleeping under bus Daily News 9 Jan 2002 A person was run over by a bus under which he was sleeping at night under the influence of liquor. This was revealed at an inquest held at Eheliyagoda District Hospital by Kuruwiti Korale Palle Pattu Inquirer into Sudden Deaths, K.B.A. Seneviratna on the death of P.K. Premaratna Kaluarachchi of Digogedera in the Eheliyagoda Police area. The driver of the bus, Nimal Tilakaratne (24) said in evidence at the inquest, that on the day of the incident about 6.30 a.m. after the usual checking of the tyres of the bus, he started the engine and drove several feet. All of a sudden, the conductor Wickremasinghe shouted requesting him to stop the bus. When looking under the bus they saw that a person was run over by the bus. They immediately informed police. Indika Nishantha Kaluarachchi (27), the son of Premaratne said that his father was a liquor addict for a long time. He did not suspect any foul play.

When your number's up...

Rare case of an avoidable death Sunday Observer 6 Jan 2002 This is a story which demonstrates how fate was destined to kill a person and how it 'chased' behind that person and completed the deed. Mrs. Doreen Kulandaivelu (40) was the principal of Serikalmunai Maha Vidyalayam in Kalmunai. She was in the habit of riding back and forth from her home at Pandiruppu to her school in her motorcycle. On Thursday afternoon when she was returning home her saree got entangled in the rear wheel of the motorcycle and she fell off the motorcycle and sustained serious injuries. People in the vicinity despatched her to the Kalmunai hospital in a three wheeler. However, half way to the hospital the engine of the three wheeler stalled. She was then transferred to another three wheeler but that too got stalled a few miles from the hospital. By this time considerable time was lost, and her condition became worse. However, she was put in a passing car and admitted to the Kalmunai hospital. As her condition was very bad, Kalmunai hospital authorities despatched her in an ambulance to the Batticaloa general hospital. The ambulance which was travelling at high speed with the sirens on collided with a van coming in the opposite direction. Five persons including the driver of the ambulance and two others who accompanied the injured principal were seriously injured, while the principal's condition took a turn to the worse. All were then transferred in another vehicle to the Batticaloa general hospital. On admission the principal was found dead, while the rest are now warded in a serious condition. Mrs. Kulandaivelu has three children and her husband is employed in London.

Women self-fertilize

Health Goodness of tender coconut water By Dr. D. P. Atukorale writing in The Island 25 Dec 2001 The water of fresh tender coconut (king coconut or "Thembili" and "Weware") which is the liquid endosperm is the most nutritious wholesome beverage that the nature has provided for the people of the tropics to fight the sultry heat. It has a caloric value of 17.4 per 100 gm. According to Ayurveda "it is unctous, sweet, increasing semen, promoting digestion and clearing the urinary path". (We at SCN are rather worried about women who drink coconut water if the above reference to semen production is true. This being a family newspaper we decline to make crude remarks of a s*xual nature. Maybe they could self-fertilize? Can the great Dr Atukorale get in touch with us?....- Ed) MORE

Polis Hora, again!

Police seize 10 kg of heroin — only 6 kg produced in court, 4 kg missing The Island Wednesday 26th Deceember, 2001 Four kilogrammes of heroin out of a haul of ten kilogrammes worth over rupees 20 million seized by a special team of the police last October at Chilaw sea beach had gone missing. The Inspector General of Police has ordered a detailed investigation regarding the missing four kilogrammes, police sources said. (NP) (At least someone got their calculations right! - Ed)

If you can't lick 'em, join 'em!

Soldier with LTTE membership arrested ANAMADUWA – The Island, 25 Dec 2001 A soldier attached to an army camp in the northwestern province was arrested on allegations of having close connections with the LTTE, army sources said. On information received that the particular soldier had obtained membership in the LTTE, his movements had been closely scrutinized before the arrest. As Daffy Duck would have said "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em!" - Ed